A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help me how do I keep my friends when he's turning them against me and how do I stop him controlling my life??Can any one shine some light my way? I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago because iwas unhappy with the way the relationship was going. i would go over his house and stay as long as he wanted me to but most of the time he would be chatting to other people on the net while i would be sitting on my own doing nothing/watching tv. he said it was my fault that we didnt go out and do things. so i tried to fix that but he never tried to help so i slowly gave up. and he then treated me like a child because I apparently wasnt trying hard enough. I couldnt do anything right. my own thoughts and feelings were wrong because he didnt have the same ones. he would tell me i was wrong and that i was making suff up in my head. he would also "tell me off" when i cried because I was upset. he would say I was trying to get my own way..but iwas just upset so i stopped having anyfeelings..it was easier than being told off. I actually thought i was going crazy I started to believe him when he said iwas making stuff up! so I started agreeing with him " yes im wrong im sorry" even when i knew i wasnt. I think this slowly made me empty inside. I would sleep long hours just so I wouldnt have to see him or do anything because i knew I would be "doing it wrong". I was depressed for a long time and decided to go back home to my parents for a while.(my university work was suffering because I had no effort left after being worn down into nothing with the constant "telling off" i got.) so i took some time off. i was at home for about a month when i thought i was ready to face everything again but the next night after i returned to uni I went to see myboyfriend. we ended up arguing and fighting aan he chucked me out.i wasnt ready to be back yet so I "run away" again. my boyfriend told my mates that I didnt want to do the course anymore but when they contacted me i just said I needed a break. so they were confused.he was trying to control every situation he wanted to make sure I knew he was having a great time with our friends without me. ut at the same time he was making sure no one else would contact me. I felt alone.when I came back for the second time it seemed better. I was a little happier because I could be myself and not what he wanted me to be....but then it started again but worse. he told me hes been talking to other girls and they like him etc. but when i get upset he says "im controlling him!" I spoke to one of our friends...just a general chat and when I mentioned it to my ex he rung the friend up to make sure what I said was true. and surprise surprise i was "wrong" i had used the wrong describibg word or something and he had a go at me for lying.he tells me when hes out having fun but hates knowing that ive had a nice time without him and has a go at me assuming ive been sleeping with every boy i meet. he talks to people about me like im mental then "accidently" pastes the entire convosation into my IM window to make sure i know hes talking about me or talkig to another girl or something childish. then says "oops sorry"he says that if we are in the same place he doesnt want to talk to me. but the problem is we both share the same friends. and because he involves them in everything about him and me they are starting to resent talking to me because they know they will have a snotty phone call from my ex cheaking up on whats been said. its not fair on them and its not fair on me.i do only have a small group of friends because i am quite shy so if they wont talk to me because of him i will be lonely just they way he wants me to be.i feel that my ex didnt care about me enough when we were together but now i broke up with him he still wants the control but without the bother of having to "put up" with me.please help me how do i keep my friends when hes turning them against me and how do i stop him controlling my life??
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a break, broke up, depressed, my ex, shy, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll this support and advice makes me well up with tears thankyou. i know its hard now but i know it must get better. thank u
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): hey girl just read ur letter and it was like going back 6 years in mine i had an ex exactly like this guy and he put me through hell girl !! but i found the strength and the courage to get away . i no u dnt wanna loose ur freinds but if they are your true freinds they will stand by you through this ! ur ex obviously has some major issues gonig on that he needs to address . but if there is anything i can say is this is YOUR life and u dnt no how long u r gonna be here 4 dont let a day go by without living it to its full.coz 2day is a day u can never get bk hun
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (19 March 2007):
NO you are NOT the bad one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know im not the easiest person to get along with 100% of the time but who is?lol but i really thought it was my fault he was always annoyed with me and that id caused everything. the reason why i still see him is that we go to the same uni and are based in the same building . at first i thought we could be friends after our break up...but apparently i made it hard for him to be my friend... because i was controlling HIM because i wanted to be friends..i just dont know.. maybe he is right maybe im the bad one.....hes just messed up...ill just keep away the best i can. but at leased i can take comfort in the fact that even total strangers can see he has no right to treat anyone like he does...
but im sure he wold convice u i was the hard one to love... oh well... im better of without him...
thank you kind strangers x
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (18 March 2007):
You have taken a real battering from this guy, and its time for you to stand up to him. Confide in the friend you trust most, tell them what he is like. When you see your friends and you speak to them, dont tell him. When do you see him if youve broken up. You need to block this man out from your life completely. You need to completely cut him off, dont speak to him, dont go near him. If hes out with your friends, just ignore him. Talk to them all you want, even if he is around. The best thing for you to say to him, is that you broke up with him and he needs to bugger off and get over it. Tell him you dont want aything to do with him, because hes really hurt you. Tell him its easier that he just gets out of your life completely, hes killed all the love you may of once had for him. He has NO right to do what he is doing. The only other advice i would give, and i want you to keep it in mind at all times, especially if your alone with him. Is that he has shown some real nastiness, and he could really turn. Be carefull because he could become violent. Please keep that in mind for your own safety, theres no telling what this maniac is capable of. Please dont get yourself into a bad situation concerning him, Message me anytime. Jen xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your advice. its going to be a tough few months until i finish uni especially with HIM EVERYWHERE I TURN but i have to just keep thinkng good thoughts to keep myself happy. thank you to all of u! i knew i wasnt crazy i new it couldnt just be me thank you xxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): I'm not in your shoes, so I can't give you point by point answers, but here is a general ball park of what you should do. but one thing's for sure - you need new friends. 1. Forget this guy. he is definitely not for you. Dating is only worth it if it leads to a long lasting relationship that both parites can benefit from. You definitley did not benefit in anyway.2. As for the friends, they are not your friends if they will choose to take sides with anyone over you. They are just your drinking buddies or people you hang out with. They are not your firends. True friends don't feel uncomfortable when they are put in the middle of realationships. because they know where their loyalties lie and that does not change. If they were truly ur friends, they would ignore your ex and focus on you. Nevertheless, life goes on. Not to worry, leaving yourself open for the right person to come along is the best way to go. try changing your environment. You might find that life is not limited to just college friends. Try church, you might find some good friends there. You will also find that other social events that involve you with community activites also expose you to really good people and the best way to find a good boyfriend is to surround yourself with good people doing positive things. Good people usually hang out with other good people
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): That's really tough. I can't really answer this, but I can say one thing. Try paying them a visit and bring this advice column to them so they understand what's truely going on. Don't try and talk it out until they've read the whole thing. And if they're really your friends, they'll understand and side with you on this and leave your ex to bother someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): You poor wee soul! Listen. You dont need him in your life and it sounds as though you are coming to your senses by yourself. You may be shy at the moment, but some time on your own will really help you become more independant and next time you get into a relationship, you wont get walked over and treated like this again.
Dont worry about your friends as if they are worth keeping, they will stay true to you. If not, you'll get some more.
I'll be your mate! Theres one friend for a start. You dont need anyone to make you happy. You need to start making yourself happy and then everything else will fall into place.
Best wishes.
J
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