A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:Had enough of my in laws. None of them seem to understand what the word NO means. When my husband and I moved out, I thought they would stop. Still have my father in law dictating when we have my toddler daughter over. My husband is working afternoon and nights- when my FIL is free. I'm left to deal with this myself and my father is autocratic and my mother is passive- I never learnt how to be assertive.I've tried seeing my uni counsellor and have to wait weeks just to see one of them. On top of that I have my lying, control freak sister in law, who likes to threaten to have my daughter taken away. And constantly takes over. My in laws always have an excuse for her being a huge Ahole.Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): See a solicitor so that you can start calling the shots.Mention the threatening sister-in-law and the bullying fil. Get back-up and clarification about your parenting, and their role in your daughter's life.Being legally assertive will stand you in good stead for the future when you may want to move to another town where you cannot be bossed about so much. Keep good links with the uni'.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (1 December 2015):
What did your husband say when you discussed it with him before? And what did you actually say to him.
And are you relying on your in-laws for babysitting on a regular basis? If your daughter is living with you I can't see why you want to keep taking her over there if you hate the in-laws that much. Your husband can do it when he visits. You don't have to go.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (1 December 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTalking to my husband doesn't work either.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (30 November 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo they don't have custody of her. My sister in law has a personality disorder and her parents always give into her.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (30 November 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have nothing wrong with me at all. They are Christian and my family isnt religious. And they dont have cusdity of my child
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2015): My dear, if most sources you've found so far consistently advises you to talk to your husband; that should register that is what you must do.
It doesn't matter if your husband is at work when this is going on. He expects you to be adult enough to deal with things. Why wouldn't he believe you if you told him you're being bulled by his family, if you've told him?
You've left out many details as to what type of marriage you have? Is their a cultural, ethnic, or religious difference between you and his family? If you suffer from some sort of medical or mental disability? If your child is in the custody of your in-laws, and why they don't like you so much? You barely scrape the surface of what's going on in your life; so your advice is going to be as simple as the question you've posed to us. All we gather is they don't like you.
No one can tell you how to grow a backbone. That is created by time, circumstance, the will to survive, the desire to have some say in your own life, and control over your own destiny. Sometimes peace doesn't come without a battle, and life doesn't come without some struggle. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as they say.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (26 November 2015):
Why doesn't your daughter live with you?
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (26 November 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionProblem is everything online says for the husband to talk with his parents, but he's at work, when my in laws are available. I've tried searching for books on in laws, and as usual nothing is available in the library and bookstores.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2015): Your in-laws are the same people you met and got to know while you and your husband were in courtship. You had a head's-up on what these people were like.
Often, being in a hurry to get married, or under the pressure of family to marry and have children; people rush into situations they can't handle. Just to shut everybody up. You're passive, and it seems pretty much that's the case here.
Your problem is the lack of assertiveness and taking some control over your home. Your husband won't help; because it's totally convenient for him that you're timid; and it gives him authority and control over you.
You'll tire of the weight everyone puts on you, and one or the other thing will happen.
You will tell everyone you've had it and you're not putting up with it anymore. You will not respond to their calls and knocks at your door. Or, you can leave your husband who obviously doesn't care how you're treated and probably treats you the same way.
My guess is that you were probably not accepted by the family to begin with. So their primary objective is to drive you crazy; or out of the family, and take your child from you in the process.
You're bullied. Unless you're afraid of them; because you are entirely dependent on them financially, and they do have some control over whether or not you keep your child.
In any case, you'll figure it out on your own. Your instinct to survive is as strong as anyone else's.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (25 November 2015):
When you say that you father-in-law dictates when you daughter visits, do you mean that he dictates when you can take your daughter to visit your in-laws? Or do you mean that your daughter is not living with you and he dictates when she can visit you? Are you financially dependent on his family or do you depend on them for childcare?
If they're as bad as you say - why bother trying to have a relationship with them at all? Leave it to your husband...
Don't go to visit without your husband and if your daughter isn't allowed to accompany you - you don't go and see them.
Don't talk to them on the phone - get caller display or an answering machine so you can call screen.
I know it would be nice if they were great in-laws and everyone got along but at some point you have accept that they're not and just take that step back.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (25 November 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have already gone to my husband, but nothing has changed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): There is no way to deal with your in-laws until you grow a backbone and insist your husband help you deal with his folks.
The pressure is going to destroy your marriage, and the one you should have gone to before coming here is...your husband.
Perhaps it is cultural to allow your family to dump all over your wife; but this doesn't happen to women who stand-up for themselves. You say you never learned to be assertive? Well, my dear, necessity dictates what we have to do to survive.
You have a home to maintain and a child to raise. Take control of your house, or be everyone's doormat. That includes your spineless husband who leaves his wife at the mercy of his horrible family. If you have to become somewhat of a "bitch", it's not your fault! If that's what it takes, so be it.
It's either be crushed, or push back! Only the strong survive. That's the law of nature. You're the lioness of your household. What people do and don't do in your house is entirely up to you. The door swings both ways! It also locks; and you don't have to let anyone in you don't want to.
Sweetie, my heart goes out to you!
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