A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my boyfriend for 3years and we have two kids. he always yells at me, he calls me names like bitch, whore , dumb ass, etc .he hits me and pushes me, but i love him and he says he loves me, but im not to sure. he always calls to see where im at, who im with and what im doing. i cant even go somewhere with my family without being accused of messing with someone. im scared to leave him, cuz we have two beautiful daughters together, and i dont know what he would do.so can someone please tell me what should i do?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I feel so sorry for you, the reason I found this is because I to am searching for a way out. I've been with my bf for 8 years, we have 3 kids and he does the same thing to me. it hurts so much, love should not feel this way. Why I'm still with him is out of the question. He is crazy and I'm really scared to leave him. He always says for me to leave, but I have no where to go, and he says I can't take my kids, which are all his also. I want to leave him with the kids so I can get on my feet but I am so scared of the impression it will leave on me and I don' twant my kids to think I dont love them. I am so hurt and depressed right now over it all. I would leave him while you can, you are so young. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that?
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 September 2008):
 Okay, I am a stranger to you. If I walked up to you, sayed that I cared about you and then punched you in the face, what would your reaction be?
Would you believe that I cared for you?
More drastic, say that I told you I loved kids, then I beat your kid to death. Would you believe that I loved kids?
Simpler. Your husband says he loves you, but then beats you. Would you believe that he loves you?
I would expect any sane human being to say NO to all three questions, I presume you would say NO to the first two, but for some reason say YES to the last one.
What makes you think that a person who loves you calls you names and hits you? Is that how your family life was when you grew up? It is just a random guess but often when people are in abusive relationships later it is because they as childeren grew up seeing such relationships as normal.
Even if you are 21 (you say 18-21) then being married for three years with two kids doesn't exactly give a me a lot of confidence in your emotional stability. Am I wrong in presuming you got married straight out school, never lived on your own and this is pretty much the first guy you dated?
Just wild speculation, but did you exchange a abusive or absent father for an abusive husband? Never having learned what proper relationships are supposed to be like?
What you must do is learn that what you are experiencing is NOT right, not normal and NOT something you should accept.
If not for yourself, then for your daughters or they too will grow up seeing this as normal and seek out abusive husbands when they grow up as well. That is of course assuming the abuse by your husband doesn't turn to them.
Once you accept that this is NOT right and that you do NOT have to accept this for any reason then you need to seek out aid. Tisha has already provided links but the simplest would the emergency number.
The law has a LOT of experience with these kind of cases, it won't be easy but you can get away from him and start over again, on yourself without abuse for either you or your childeren.
You don't know what he'd do if you leave him. That is right, you don't. You do know what he does when you are with him and you know it is only going to get worse.
Get out, as soon as possible and stay out. If not for yourself, then for your kids. They deserve better then be another statistic.
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A
female
reader, kle7 +, writes (25 September 2008):
You should take up Tisha-1 on her advice on that hot line. You have to remember that it's not just you in this relationship but your children as well. Do you want them to grow up and treat others or get treated the way that you've been treated or the way that your bf treats you?You have to put your kids 1st!!!!!You're in my prayers!God BLess!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 September 2008):
 Hi, this sounds like an awful relationship. I know that you said you love him, but he is very bad for you. He hits you, calls you names and is very controlling. I'm sorry, but I don't have any magic way to make a man like that change his ways. You're going to have to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life, because if you stay with him, that is how it's going to be.
Please read this article by Ask oldersister.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
It has some eye opening items that you might find apply to you.
I also strongly advise that you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Phone 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
Website http://www.ndvh.org.
You can speak to someone there and see what resources they might have to offer you.
Please make sure that your family know how he is treating you and that you might need their help. If you stay silent about his treatment of you, he wins. Please ask for help soon.
Take care, and remember that your daughters deserve a mother who is safe, well-treated and respected. If they grow up in a house like the one you've described, they may have problems in their future relationships.
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