A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone offer me some advice?I was dating a guy for 4 months after being single for a year (by choice). This person came out of an 8 year relationship which was acrimonious and they are currently trying to sell thier house. A few days ago we split up again (we have split up about 3-4 times- lost count to be honest) over firstly his jealousy and secondly over his moods. Jealousy has been a real problem for us. I am a professional 27 year old living in London and I have a few male friends (around 3). My (now) ex boyfriend found this very hard to accept and we split up over it previously. I told him that I appreciate that he is jealous and this is who he is (I am not a jealous person myself) and that I will try and accomodate that by not going over to my male friends' houses etc for dinner (something that I used to do every couple of months for a catch up) but that I will not go so far as to lose my male friends as I have had some of them for near on 10 years! My ex seemed to accept this, admitted that he had treated me badly and admitted his insecurity (he got funny about my past also and became quite nasty about it. Dont ask if you dont want to know, I say!). He said that it is no longer an issue and asked me to give him a chance to prove it. We gave it another go. Recently I bumped into an old school friend in the street who I haven't seen for 11 years and with whom I went to school 200 odd miles away, so it was a bit of a conicidence. This person is male and we exchanged numbers planning to catch up on the last 11 years. I told my ex about this and described this person (who is not particularly attractive- I did this so as to assure him that this person is not a threat).My ex asked me how close we were at school. I informed him that he was someone who was in my group of friends and was friends mainly with mine but we definitly knew each other and hung out (we were both school geeks you see). My ex's response to this was that if he met someone in the street who he hadn't seen in 11 years he wouldn't want to catch up with them, so why do I? I informed him that I am different from him then, to which he mimicked me in a child like manner. We argued about it and it became clear that he wouldn't have had this problem if the person I bumped into was a girl. Do you think that someone who is jealous and behaves in this way can ever change?Our second issue was his moods. I understand that he is trying to sell his house and that gets him down but rather than be proactive about it (put the house on with more than one agent, try and sell it indepently, ensure that the agent lowers the price when his ex instrcuted them to some 4 weeks ago), he just goes into a mood about it. He recently told me that he was bored in the evenings because he does not have things to do at my flat (he has his things at a friends with a spare room). When I offered for him to bring some stuff to mine, there was some reason why that wouldn't work, so I suggested that he split his time between my place and his friends to make him happier and his response to this was "fine, I will do that then!".I couldn't win. He has been moaning about this situation for over a month and yet anything that I suggest is blown out of the water and yet nothing will be done by him and yet he will still moan. It really got me down (I kept getting colds and the flu, which is not like me) and I told him how I felt which lead to us braking up. He appears to be the type of person who moans about thier life but does nothing to change it. I am not like this at all. I appreciate we all have hard times but to not change things to make yourself happier whether it be in the short term or long term just wears me down. He is now contacting me to see if I am ok. And I am not.I miss the good times and just wish he could be happier so that we are happier. However we go round and round in this cycle of us being ok for a week or two and it being great and then him having an issue with something, whether it be jealousy, moods, being unhappy with my past, overreacting to things (like when I said that I fancied seeing a burlesque show, apparently this means that I am gay!). My friend thinks that he is depressed (he drinks quite a bit). Any suggestions?Just writing this is helping I think.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): It sounds like your have some concerns and the first thing that comes to mind is that you have a bit of a toxic relationship or boyfriend. The hallmark of an unhealthy relationship is frequent on again off again bouts....by now you ought to have worked some of these issues of trust out....it could be that you have too different or incompatible personality types and there isn't anything you can do to change him or vice versa. If you are this unhappy that it is making you sick and you can't see your way out of this relationship and stay out, you have to ask yourself is this guy WORTH IT.
If he is, try getting some individual counseling and then go together. I don't like the sounds of frequent drinking or drinking a lot, it could be that he is self medicating because he is depressed or he could be a sullen drunk and this would be a complete deal breaker....you can't have a relationship of any kind with a drunk, his first and only love is alchohol and you are getting in the way of him having a good buzz if you don't coddle him and love everything about him including his drinking. Drunks need enablers in order to keep drinking....is that what role you want for yourself? I think not.....get out or get help.
Take care.
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