A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:I have asked this question a couple of times. Why do I keep going back to a guy who has been an abuser, physically and verbally and who has cheated on me..Every time, I try to leave him, I end up with him..I've been with him for 4 years off and on and when he's not mad he's ok..I used to have high self esteem and know I feel like he's brainwashed me to believe that there are no good men out there..and he's like the best cuz he does everything for me..which I really don't need him to cuz I work and have my own apt..How can a strong woman like me, which I was, allow a man who has a jail record and is still doing stuff allow him to treat me like that..I also have two boys ages 15 and 8 who thank god haven't witnessed anything but I get worried if my oldest son was to ever witness anything what would happen..Please give me some input how can I leave this loser..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Been there, done that. Guys like him are cling-ons and are really hard to get rid of. They usually start by isolating you from your own circle of friends, and next thing you know, you feel like they're the only person you have to lean on, and we all need someone to lean on so it's scary breaking away from what we perceive as some sort of support network even it's a crappy one. You want to end it but you know that there's going to be big trouble when you do, and it's terrifying placing yourself in a position where you know you might get beaten up, so you put it off hoping it will somehow go away. It wont. You have to start getting angry about what he's doing to you, see the situation for what it actually is. He's a bully and a coward, and he knows it, and that makes him angry, and he needs to unload that anger on a target. That target is you. If you start to see him for the weak loser that he is, you will soon find that you are sickened by him and your desire to get rid of him will overcome your fear of what will happen when you end it. You might even find that when you stand up to him and get really angry he'll back off with the bullying. Most bullies do tend to crap themselves when their target stands up to them because it takes away their power and that throws them off balance.
You have a job, you have your own place, you have two kids that you take care of, so obviously you don't need some weak jerk to "do everything" for you, you're doing all by yourself honey.
Try standing up to him, regardless of what the consequences are. You might find that if you can overcome your fear of him two things will happen. One is that you will no longer be attracted to him, and the other is that he will fade out of your life and find himself a new target to dump his crap on.
Best of luck. You deserve better and so do your kids. :)
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (27 August 2009):
 It often takes us many times before we can go through with the actual act.But I can only say that there is only one way you can do it and that is by making him INSIGNIFICANT.Your post belies the fact that you will take this abuse because you allow it. You do so becuase as you pointed out in your post that " he does everything" for you.You have to decide whether the devil you know (him) is better than the devil you dont know(fear of the unknown i.e. can you find someone else that does "everything" for you?)That is in effect what you are scared of. Read your post over a few times...it sticks out like a sore thumb.So with that in mind decide for yourself how good a tradeoff is it to have somebody do "everything" for you versus cheating, and abusing you emotionally and physically.If you make him insignificant, even by degrees, you can build your own self esteem back.Best of Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): Kiddo, it's easy to post this question here once, twice, maybe three times. It's *hard* to take charge of your life, and more importantly to set a good example for your children.
Put yourself in a place where you have no contact with him. Work your way back into the world the way you were before him -- strong and independent. When you're back being independent, you'll meet new people. Only let people into your new life who help you build on the best within yourself.
The fact that you're asking says that you *know* this guy is bad news -- not just for you, but for your children. The only way you'll help them and you is to suck it up and get the hell out, and never look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): i was in the same situation. all i gotta say is get yourself away. i'm not gonna lie to you it will be very hard in the beginning and you'll think about him a lot. you'll also want to go back to him and feel like it'll be easier to go back. when that happens just think about everything that he did and what would happen if those kids saw it. that should help. eventually you'll start thinking about him less and less. also it'll get easier to stay away. i can tell you that. i did that but instead of kids it was sister brother and all of my close friends and yeah. so don't worry. it'll be ok eventually.
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