A
female
age
51-59,
*jjj
writes:I have been in a relationship with a lebanese guy for over 2 yrs. we met on a dating site for age gap relationships. hes now 25 and im 43. after only a few weeks we knew it was going somewhere and we have been inseparable. hes christian lebanese and im from the uk. hes from unconventional which is why he looked for me and doesnt like women his own age in lebanon or the ways that they act. he wanted someone mature and not plastic or false as he used to say. he loves the european look and always thought he would end up with someone from the uk or europe same as his brother who is married to a european girl. we talked every day and night on cam and on phone using skype. tried to meet once but it fell thru due to our jobs and problems, then after 16 mths we finally had 2 weeks together in turkey and were inseparable from the moment we met. he had always told me about his fear of getting married and having kids which is why he wanted an older woman. he also had illness issues in his family which he didnt want passed on down the line. i knew all of this and still loved him. i also didnt want kids and have nevr been married, so it worked. he always told me due to leb society that there wouldnt be a future for us there cos of the age gap but he would definitley come to the uk for me and we would live toge3ther. marriage would be hard as he had demons to conquer with that issue, but we would have a future and he was strong and would fight for us. told me that he wouldnt let me go no matter what his family decided. after our holiday in turkey 8 mths ago, we tried to meet again 2 mths later but job issues stopped it and we were devastated. we decided to wait another 3 mths and go back to turkey this summer. we said we would get engaged and then go again a few months later and get married. we had to travel each time to turkey due to visa issues, it was the only way we could meet visa free for him. however, after our first holiday in turkey he came back and told his mother about me. not my age but everything else. up until now, he had never told them about me. he always told me that it was cos of the culture in leb and that he needed to be sure of us, before telling them such a thing and meeting me would make him know his true feelings for me. it would be a challenge and he would face an uphill struggle with his family but he would really try for us. i understood this and many times saw his mother and father on cam but they didnt know i was there. so he told them about me and they took it great until 2 weeks after that he told them my age. they went nuts, told him i was too old and couldnt believe he had done this to them and that they would disown him. he argued with thema and fought with them over me for another 3 mths until 6 weeks ago when he rung me and said that he couldnt continue and tht it was over. he has cried and even now as im writing this we have decided to stay friends. actually in 3 days time, my flight was leaving for turkey and i would have been with him and getting engaged so im devastated as you can imagine. he has told me that he has had no choice and that if he had gone with me his family would have never forgiven him. his mother said to stop it and end it and that it was her or me. i just cant believe it, but he said he feels so guilty cos he never kept his promise to me but when it came down to the reality it was so much harder than he ever imagined and that he couldnt do it. i dont know what to think anymore. he said he never stopped loving me and will as long as he lives. he doesnt want to see anyone and has shut himself off from everyone. his mother knows we are over and is happy now. he said he has hurt himself and me and thought he could convince her but in the end she won and i lost. his friends are sad for him and said that circumstances ended it for us. i dont get it, he met me knowing the culture and 2 yrs on, look at us now. i feel like the best person in my life has gone. ive had 6 relationships before and not one has been like this. i can honestly say that there wasnt a single thing about him that i didnt like, but i also know that i didnt know him in his own environment on a daily basis. however, i feel like my chance was taken away from me. i cant believe that a couple who love each other can be separated cos someone wasnt strong enough in the end to stand up to their parents and show them that they loved someone and wanted them. but i can also understand how hard it was for him too. please give me some advice.
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female
reader, Aniwaya  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I have been in the same situation w/my first husband (now divorced) and just recently my fiancee broke all off this past Friday for about the same reasons.
Love is love, and love should be able to conquer all things right? Sadly that isn't the case.
My fiancee went through what your ex has gone through. Threats, banning from family and to never be able to return, physical assaults from older brothers, etc. I was 18 yrs older than my fiancee but we got along great.
I am still in the process of trying to get through to him, we had safepoints scattered throughout the U.S. for him in case he had to leave adruptly.
But no matter how intense or strong the bond between you two is, you also have to keep in mind family is the basis of who he is. That traditions and cultures play a heavy role in what he decides in the long run, not the feelings of his heart. Both have to be extremely strong to face such obstacles. But he's the one that has to live w/them on a daily basis up til he leaves (if ever) and then deal w/the consequences afterwards. The advantage his family has is that he lives w/them more than likely and so they are able to influence him or riddle him w/guilt about his responsibility to his family.
All I can say is follow your heart. If you can't fight for what you believe in, you never truly believed in it from the start.
It can work, but he has to make the biggest decision and the biggest step and you two may have to keep your relationship underwraps. My fiancee (ex atm. lol) kept in touch w/me by using payphones while acting like he was going out, hitting wifi places on his laptop to use chat and then later deleting it, etc.
But it is extremely stressful and my heart does go out to you. Love doesn't restrain itself to a certain race or culture.
Hope all goes well for both of you.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 June 2011):
Hi there. There can often be problems with people from two very different cultures pairing up.
I am assuming that you are anglo-saxon, is that right?
As much as you love him, it does seem like this isn't going to just work itself out over time.
His family is very important to him understandably, so just supposing that you had decided to make it a permanent arrangement and get married and his family did disown him, and then after 2 months, you both realized that it wasn't going to work between you. You both would have lost out.
Then his family might not take him back again.
As devastating as this is for you, it probably is for the highest good of all concerned.
Maybe next time you are looking for an age gap relationship online, you might be better off specifying that you want an anglo-saxon from the UK. Then you will both be from the exact same culture, so no more problems like this current one, ever again.
In the meantime, give yourself some time to get over this relationship first. Say a few months. Then move on.
Good luck and best wishes.
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