A
female
age
51-59,
*adybird5
writes:Ok, I admit i'm not very good at standing up for myself. I try to stay out of trouble and not upset anyone. My daughter 15 is just the opposite. So i have to stand up to her from time to time. If she is rude to me then there is a consequence, such as a refusal to allow her to go/do something she really wanted to do. it usually goes like this: I ask her to please tidy up her room and make her bed.She answers back something like, 'in your dreams, if it bothers you, then you do it. And usually a swear word thrown in.So I let her know that i want it tidied up before her Friday planned stay at her friend's place (they live down the street, i know the parents - and they have similar problems with their daughter). If I have given such a warning I may phone up my neighbor to say there is a 'possibility that she cannot come to visit if her room is not tidied'If it is still not tidied by the time I said then I let her know the visst is not going ahead. Yes I get a mouth of carrying on. But I stand firm. I might add that her father disappeared years ago. But ometimes she says I will find my father and he'll let me do these things. maybe. I don't know.Please any parent who has survived a teenager, what have you done to survive a teenager and have a healthy relationship? I feel like I am in a battle zone. She is difficult to get to school. she feigns illness, but then runs up huge phone bills when i am at work. And her teacher said that disciplining her would be easier if she did not do well at school. But she gets really good marks without hardly trying. I am sorry to say she is arrogant and rude and dismissive to anyone who she thinks is less than her.I never told my mother how bad she was. As I did not want to taint their relationship. But one school holidays she insisted on going to stay with grandmother all summer. In the end my mother told her that she was rude. selfish and impossible to live with. and that she pitied what 'your mother' (me) puts up with. My daughter thought I had said something. But her grandmother said, no. your mother never said a thing. I worked it out for myself.Lately she has been kicking me and hitting me to get things she wants and I am find it frightening. And I am not sure what to do. I love my daughter, but i do not love her behaviour. I got some counselling, and they were very supportive to me but my daughter would not attend it. And told me counselling is only for mad people. Except I do hold down an interesting job and I am sane. But my daughter's behaviour makes me feel horrible. She has always been headstrong. But now she is getting nastier and i feel unable to work out what to do next with her. She is an only child and i do not live with anyone. I just work, look after her and my needs and visit my mother regularly.
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female
reader, Lisa206  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Oh I feel for you, my dear.
I think at the teenager stage, they revert back to being about 3 years old and that causes you to again be at the stage where you want to throw them against the wall or give them up for adoption.
This is a time to be strong and not let her see your weakness. When she hurts your feelings, you have to keep a straight face. Everything she says now, she doesn't mean it, truly. In about 10 years she will come around. This is a long term situation that is not going to turn into a friendship right away.
You are in a battle zone. When she fires a missle, get out of the way. Protect yourself. This is a time to schedule religiously and force yourself to take "you time".
Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Get a massage. Join a women & wine group or create one. Become a stronger feminine woman and demonstrate your strength. Believe me, you need girls around you to commisserate and be strong together. Call them when things are out of hand.
If she doesn't clean her room, then donate her belongings to a charity. If she tried to hit you, leave the house. Lock everything important in your bedroom.
Get a video camera. When she starts screaming and throwing a fit, film her and document it like you were narrating a wild animal video.
"here is the teenager in its natural habitat..."
If she doesn't respect you then she won't obey you.
The thing a teenager hates most is feeling stupid. I'm sure she wouldn't want to watch youtube videos of herself acting this way
When she is in a gentle mood, go shopping for new things at second hand stores. No more free stuff. She needs to earn everything.
Never reward bad behavior. Be ready at all moments to revert into Super Cave Mom. Be ready at all moments to be Best Friend.
Get a grip now, otherwise you might be in the same situation as one of my poor friends who has a restraining order from her daughter against her after her daughter filed untrue charges of abuse.
good luck and be strong
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 February 2011):
 first off I think you are being far too nice to her. And I can't imagine that her absent father would be much help, even if you could find him. And you Mom certainly does not have to put up with abuse.
Teens go through a 're-wiring' of their brains. The result is mayhem for those around them. Yes, it's not nice.
I wonder if you put her first, and you second? Make sure you start putting you first for a change.
Her arrogance may be precisely because you have tried to be nice. And have put her first so often, that she erroneously thinks she is superior to you. It's an easy mistake to make. We love our children so much. But we should never be door mats, no matter how cute and sweet they seem.
The fact that she is starting to be physically abusive is a very bad sign. You may not have been able to convince her to go to counselling. But the school may be able to compel her to do so. Because the consequence, if she is physically abusive to a peer at school, is that the Police may charge her. She will also be shocked that you told the school about her physical abuse of you (though she should be ashamed that she is being physically abusive to you)
Have a talk to the school. Let them know that you are having some problems. And let them know that any detentions for
poor attitudes should be applied.
If she skips school with a feigned illness then let her know that you will not be writing a fake, 'Mary was sick today' note.
And i am sure that you've tried talking to her, and done your darndest to get her to be more co-operative and respectful. But sit her down and let her know how much you love her, but not her actions nor her abusive behavior. Spell out the potential action you will take to address the situation, and mean it.
Don't back down. What you have before you, in your daughter, is a rude abusive bully. No matter how good an act she puts on for those outside your home.
If she is intelligent then the school might want to give her some extension work in a project that results in more mental
challenge than she is getting now.
If she was kinder, more considerate and thoughtful I'd suggest volunteer work. But because she is exhibiting nasty bullying tactics I think she needs a firmer approach.
Try to ensure that nothing used to reshape her focus and direction could be construed as too babyish.
However consequences must be attached to all her abusive actions.
Keep your Mom in the loop about all you are doing to try to fix the deteriorating relationship between you and your mother. Invite your Mom to occasionally have a phone conversation and listen to her grievances. A phone call will be less taxing than an extended visit for your Mom. Your daughter may be more prepared to listen to your mother, and perhaps take on board some of her suggestions.
Find out how you can fix your phone so that no calls out can be made without a code. That should 'fix' the phone bills.
And if your daughter has her own mobile, then removing that after the next bout of physical or verbal abuse from your daughter is a punishment that will really hurt.
also consider calling the Police next time she is physically abusive.
After every time you have explained the consequences, and she has not complied, and you taken action to ensure. Then have a debrief each time, once she has calmed down.
And when she does, ungrudgingly, do the right thing, then praise her to the heavens. And give her a hug, if she will allow it..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): I am a teenager too. I find it so hard to get on with my parents. I hate tidying my room and all that jazz. What woudl work with me is if my mum just sat in my room while I was tidying it and gave me a little help. I am always rude to my Mum and Dad, I don't mean to be it just happens. My mum manages it by having a convosation with me after and explaining that I was rude and how it made her feel.I think the key part in the relationship with my parrents is talking, how it makes you feel how it make me feel ect. I really hope this helps! x
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