A
female
age
41-50,
*123
writes:I have been going out with a 49 yr old man - am 28, things were great with him for the first six months, until he started to break up with me via txt for x, y reason etc - but mainly cos he doubted in me. Its now 7 months and well tonight he tried to accuse me of 'going with' male friends etc - and tried to insinuate that I am taking the piss out of him and them - so I got mad and told him I don't sleep with my male friends that they are just male friends but he still proceeded to switch his phone off etc and hurt me and I could not understand as to why. I told him to stop playing games, trust in me - treat me respectfully etc and grow up or get lost! but then he told me that I had 'broken his heart' - but if that is the case then why did he then proceed to switch his phone off again - did not cry etc. (Irish49 if you read this question - this is part 2, the man who you think is a control freak!!) To make matters worse, this man had told me that he wouldn't stop to have sex with me etc for as long as he was with me etc (in the beginning of the relationship) and then he told me no more sex just like that tonight and obviously I flipped cos I found it so unfair since am faithful to him and love the sex with him. How could a borderline nympho suddenly not want sex with me? all cos perhaps his ex messed his head up in the past and was v cruel to him but doesn't mean all women are the same. I feel pretty low cos have had this bad luck with my former 2 exes, making this injury no.3 where I want more sex than they do, with him I thought I had met my match in that dept. as he wanted it more than I, but now all of a sudden cos one of my male friends is visiting me from abroad he suddenly has no trust in me and doesn't want sex with me anymore. I lost the rag cos obviously I would never ever dream of sleeping with a male friend and his insecurity made me go mad at him on the phone. I want to stay with this man and love his maturity MOST of the time but all of a sudden he has become insecure, v hurtful towards me with no explanation, ignores me as he is not sure how he feels about me, he doubts that I have feelings for him but I do and they are proper so don't know how to display this as he just blanks anything I do present him with. He is so suspicious he thinks that every woman is out to manipulate etc but am not - am just being honest with him and trying to communicate my feelings to him. Any suggestions on what I can do to rectify this problem?! Thanks, B
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female
reader, B123 +, writes (23 February 2009):
B123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey thanks Mrs. Mom - am beginning to wonder!!
Tonight he said he would call via txt - then when 10 pm came - he didn't call - after 10 mins I finally caved in and rang and told him I was annoyed that he hadn't kept his word etc. He gave me some excuse. I said whatever. I was annoyed - felt messed around and told him this - the conversation ended abruptly and not on a good note - when I tried to ring back cos I didn't want the conversation to end badly he had switched the phone off. He is now blowing hot and cold with me - 1 min is interested sexually in me - the next not. I told him I would like to mean more to him than just sex etc and found what he did v disrespectful - but he gave me some excuse again - now I would like an action plan to go about this cos I really like him properly and I hate these games - I had told him in the beginning not to play and he saw how I get emotional and lose weight as I was practically the size of a stick man (underweight from the agony of previous relationship) when he met me. Any ideas on how I can get it back to how it was at the start - it has only started to get a bit crap now? Thanks!
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 I think the cutting sex off is very manipulative. Maybe not controlling per se, but a very unhealthy way of handling a relationship.
Why would he deliberately do something you told him had hurt you in the past? It's very troubling, but I have to guess he's doing it to get your attention and to have some power in he relationship.
He really sounds immature and neurotic. It sounds like his problems have really come to a head, and he's showing it all to you right now. I can't say I think you deserve it.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your baby. I hope this coming year brings you happiness.
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A
female
reader, B123 +, writes (21 February 2009):
B123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who replied to me - here is an update - today he became weird - I presented all your explanations to him - in other words, your bad behaviour must stop or I am leaving you - so he said go ahead and laughed so I said fine I will - he said you won't see me stopping you - but I was upset underneath the surface cos I do actually have proper feelings for him even with the age difference. He thinks I am still in love with my ex - I lost a child through postnatal death and the baby only survived for 27 days so its been a rough year for me - I do still have strong feelings for my ex but that is cos of the child and I cant help the way I feel - I did say that to him and at the start he did understand this and told me he would never ever stop having sex with me but all of a sudden - he is not acting the way I told him I never wanted to see again a) my ex cut off sex before and that REALLY hurt me - the relationship died soon after, so now he did knowing that story - which made me twice more angry cos he did that consciously b) he still wants sex with me and the only time he is nice towards me is when he is hoping for it c) he used to compliment and appreciate me all the time and now he just makes fun out of me and I can't understand why so I told him its disrespectful - am not going to put up with it etc cos I don't have to but then he turned it around and said that I make fun of him - I don't - I say playful things which I would consider as flirting but I guess he wrongly misinterprets me. Tonight he is again copying my ex knowingly and ignoring all my calls so I have finally stopped calling him but am sad cos he knows how I feel and I don't know why a man of that age would do this?? How is he controlling though? I guess he is trying to get a control over me but I told him am too independent and if he was looking for that sort of a co-dependent relationship - he won't find that from me..your updated thoughts as always would be much appreciated!!! thanks..B
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): You say that both of you have had hurtful past experiences but they have influenced you differently, it seems. I don't suggest that you continue to see him. You are young enough to get back on the dating scene and enjoy yourself, why then act like your options are limited and settle for this little? If the change in him ocurred all of a sudden you only have more reason to think you may be surprised in the future when you will least expect it so maybe you just needed this slap in your face to know what you are dealing with therefore I would take it as the red flag that it is and move on. The fact he is denying you the sex seems a form of punishment (undeserved, moreover) and can be an indicator of his controlling ways. If he has not learned to handle his insecurities by this age what do you think you can do to rectify this problem? Trying to change someone proves many times a battle that you lose from the very start so I suggest that you don't even try. He has an enemy within that sabotages his relationships and makes his partners unhappy, let him deal with it as he should, by himself, while taking a break off the dating stage to focus on himself alone, as there is the glitch and not in the relationships.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (17 February 2009):
He sounds like he has some emotional problems, and he does sound controlling. He's definitely playing emotional games with you.
I say have a serious talk with him. Tell him he either has to trust you, or it's over.
By the way, cutting the sex off is very manipulative and immature. You shouldn't put up with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): What are you thinking?! He sounds immature for his age, (but alot of men are) What does he have to base his accusations on....Anything? Have you done/said something that would make him think u would/are cheating on him? What are you doing with a 48yr old man anyway? Find someone ur own age and maybe the insecurities will go away. Maybe he needs to find someone his own age....Other than Sex what do u two have in common?? FYI if ur just looking for soemone to 'keep up with you'- ur looking in the wrong direction.....if you want stamina,19-25 can usually perform...otherwise get a rabbit!(with batteries,not a pet)Personally the whole viagra thing would freak me out....I'm 40 and I like em between 25-35. generally (I may be wrong,but I doubt it) women don't hit their sexual peak until 30's and men at around 18. maybe you like the sugar-daddy thing? Sound insecure tho and tooooo many games! Kick em to the curb!!!!
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