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anonymous
writes:When I get hurt by him which is not intentional he tends to look at only his side of the story. I usually dont even get a chance to explain. He justs gets upset and goes into the cave sometimes for weeks which really hurts me. Then we get back and we dont discuss it. I try but he would just rather forget about it - buyt does he really forget about it. Why cant he admit that perhpas his behavior was not appropriate. It seems that he never wants to admit he was wrong. Is he just a big baby and wants his way and wants to only see things his way. What can I do with a pig-headed man? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a note to thank all of you who responded to my questions. Your advice was fantastic. Now that I have taken a step back I realize that I can not be in a one-sided relationship. His behavior has been one sided, probably control issues involved. If one does not accept apologizes and does not communicate how can a realtionship ever work. It is sad because I loved him and he loved me. But there is no going back unless he sees how his actions hurt a person. Funny because what he gets upset about things normal people would not even think twice about. Perhaps it is passive-agressive beahvior or fear. But whatever it is I can never go back unless he had a willingness to get therapy or to change and this I know will never happen. Thank you all again for listening and for the great advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. yes I shoud have listen to you. I should not have been a crazy idiot and called and text him and pleaded and begged. But I did not. So now have dug a deeper hole. what will happen I dont know. But I wont bother him again. I am sure he will cool down and we will get together again - at least as friends - and maybe I can get him back by keeping things light that is what I did the last time. The ball is in his court. I will give him his space and his time. I should have listened to you and to him but I did obssess. Time will tell what happens. I just hope he can see that perhaps he was overracting. Who knows. Yes I am in pain but will get thru this. thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you for the advice. Yes I should have listened but I just couldn't help the calls, texts etc. But he knows that it is me. It does make him think but I also know it drives him crazy. I know I have pushed him away but don't if it for good. I called him this am and asked if he was 100% sure. He said yes and he is working. I thought it was over before (2 months) but somehow we had light contact and then I had a problem and he helped me as a friend and when we saw each other he eventually pushed it to the next level. He still has not given up that tie to help which gives me hope. We were back for two months but then I got upset about something and he got hurt and I guess it just brought up this one issue in the past he never really worked thru. What he said this time is the same as the last time. I don't know if you can get back together for a 3rd time. I just know he does love me more than a friend but I dont know if that is enough. Just as you all advised his friend said keep it light and it worked but can it work again. I really never felt love like this plus we have this great attraction amazing. He never even sleeps through the night unless I am with him. i guess the hardest is part is if the situation is reversed I can forgive but he on the other hand is so tough to forgive. I know let it go for a while and next time keep it light. Man I really miss him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you I should have listened. Yes this happened before and I played it light and we become friends again and then he took it to the next level again. I dont know why I didnot listen to the advice but I guess this time I really think that I have lost him forever and I know I have. I just really loved him everything was great we actually never fought when we were together only when we were apart and the attraction was unbelivable oh my. I never felt attraction like this. I have never loved someone like this. If we had better communication perhaps it would be different but he always went to his cave. I just cant understand how someone cant forgive another for a misunderstanding. but he looks at it that he was just hurt again and can't take. He never has been mean but this morning he yelled at me when he called. he will be there for me as a friend infact that is why we got back together. He did something for me and still is doing it - i guess to keep ties. Maybe there will be a chance down the road I dont know I hope. I know before his friend told me to keep it light with him and see what happens and I did and we got back together. But now I know I have pushed him too far with my calls. Who knows what will happend down the road. Probably I will be with someone else and he will be alone as he has been for most of his life. We even bought household things toghether so how could he just end it.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Hi, sorry to hear that. I have to ask why you didn't take damluvaam's advice to just let it lie for the time being. Keep yourself distracted with other activities. I think you are too emotionally close and raw to really be able to analyze things at the moment, so you're just piling hurt on top of injury.
Stop calling him, don't text him, don't email him. He may or may not ever find a way to talk about things with you, but it's clear he has a lot of work to do on himself. And so do you, if you are getting so emotionally tied up in knots that you keep repeating behavior that has proven to be counterproductive. You know that trying to make him talk just pushes him away! You knew that! So why are you banging your head against that wall? Sheer persistence and constant analysis are not the answer for you right now.
Right now, you need distance and space. Go do some exercising, eat right, lay off the alcohol for the time being and try to get a good night's sleep. Keep your health balanced, to help your mind reach some kind of equilibrium where you can think about it without a whole lot of anger or emotion. That's a little while off, it seems to me.
Just leave him be and take care of yourself!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have lost him completely and there is no getting him back. I just have to accept that he has dumped me for good and I just have to be so upset again. the messages I have left him have just pushed him further away forever. I called him this am and asked him if he was 100% sure he said yes and that he is working. I just don't understand how you could be with a man all weekend and then there is a misunderstanding and he dumps you completely. It makes no sense to me or any of my friends or family. I always thought he was tough but I think he was just a softy and that I have hurt him so deeply. He once told me my mother that he has given his heart and soul to me and he tried and he can't do it anymore. but yet was the one who wanted to go back. I just don't understand how he could dump me flat of my face. In my heart I know he loves me but his head is very very tough. I should have just left him alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you once again. Stayed in all day depressed feeling better now. After all is said and done as much as I love this man I have to walk away. No one gets mad and harbors a grudge like that, acting like nothing is wrong and then dropping you like a hot potato. He hasn't been in a relationship for a reason. You aren;t with a man on valentines day and then the next day and he buys you gifts, you have great days and then when you leave he is fine and then he gets mad at you because you got jealous and apologized. and act like nothing is wrong for days and then drops you like a hot potato. Either he has a fear of commitment or anger or passive-aggressive. I am groping at straws. Even yesterday A man doesn't tell you how great you are and how you look. He never was defensive before. I cant handle this it is sad, but he mad me become someone I am not text him like I was begging and then telling him to look at his own behavior. I look and feel like an ass. In the short term I am hurt in the long term he will be. I am not being mean but there is some underlying problem with hime and I just can't pinpoint it. this is crazy but he hangs out with all older women - could he possibly be hiding something? Or is he just mean. What he did to me is cruel. I am not young men I have dated have never done anything like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for yor advice. It was really GREAT! One thing he said to me - I wrapped my life around you and cant do it again because I am hurt. I will do anything for you, whatever you need, I will never let anyone hurt you, but i just cant do it again. Well I never knew the intensity of his feelings for me but I guess he assumed I did. So I think he felt that maybe that it was not enough for me. Well if I had known I wouldnt have gotten upset. I love him dearly and he now he knows that. Is there any advice on what to do? I told him I was afraid of being hurt again too but that I have never loved anyone like this and I have never! I see know that he was so sensitive but yet he hid it. I said I guess I should have moved in with you and said it is too late now. I know I can call him and keep it light and he will be nice but he wont reconsider. He almost did ...but i know time will tell. is there anything I can do
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice. You are really great. One thing he said to me was I wrapped my life around you and cant do it again becuase of being hurt. I guess I never realized the intensity of his love for me. I think he assumed i knew but I did not. For if I did.... Yes I am totally devastated really can not function at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso one thing he did say i will not have my life wrapped around you again and put everything into this. I can not go thru this. the thing is i always thought he loved me but I never knew that he was that in love I guess i really blew it. We really r great together his friends all tell him that. They were happy him met someone nice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think it was productive I think it is completely over on his part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is so emotional but I never knew how much hurt he was feeling until today because he never talked just kept it inside. Is there anything I can do telling how I feel just pushes him away maybe he needed more time. Should I just let this go. I know in my heart and my head that he loves me but yet i dont think he will ever let us be together. My friends and mother don't understand him either says no one acts this way. They dont is he just afraid of commitment or so afraid that I will really hurt him or is this respect thing blown out of proportion. HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him that I would tell him how I feel and he doesnt have to say anything. But this time he did telling me that I was jeaslous. I told him I love him and I am sorry. He said he was very sad that we put in alot of time. I explained that we just got back together and did not know were we stood. he said why would have bought me all those gifts. i was just stupid and insecure and if we had defined things it would not have happened, since there was never jealousy before. he just stared at me as though he was going to reconsider but then he went inside upset. Said I hurt him and he cant go thru this and then I went into idiot begging woman mode and pushed him away. Then of course I texted him this am saying how can he throw this love away, it does not come often and why not give it a chance. Why cant you forgive me for a misunderstanding. I should not have gone into crazy woman mode but I did. Do you think there is any hope. If he was not so stubborn we would not even have an issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you for your help. You were right he likes to not think about things and just take time to forget about them. I told him how I felt but he says I was jealous and insecure (never was jealous with him before). I told him it was a misunderstanding and I aplogized. He says he was hurt too many times. But it really stems back to an incident 9 months ago and which he hever forgave me. I was briefly engaged to a man, broke it off. Man did not want ring back tried many times to give it back he would not take it. guess he thought if I had it he could get me back. should have mailed it. But anyway man turned into stalker bf punched rightfully so. bf told me to get restraining order I thought it would make things worse. Told stalker to leave and my mother alone. This then caused stalker to press charges. bf was always upset saying if I had order it would not have happened. cops even said to wait. This really hurt bf I thought we had worked thru it but I guess he never could. It is so sad because I have never felt like this before and i know he loves me. I did get upset with him and say why is he throwing his away. he says he just cant be hurt any more but he almost caved in but I think I pushed to hard. I dont think there is any more I can do except be devastated. Why did he even agree to meet. He said he will do anything for me, even let me have cds to copy. He is in such pain by letting me go but yet still wants to have ties. Should I buy him a book on forgiving or is it a mute point. I told him love does not come often so why throw it away. he is very stubborn. We never eveer fought just about stalker and how I disrespected him because I did not get order. And then when I wsas jealous in resturant - he was w all women - and did not say goodbye I was disrespectful again.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2009):
Hey, good luck! Remember that you are a team; you're not on opposing sides. Go in with that attitude, 'we're in this together,' and loads of patience, and you'll be fine. Let us know how it goes, I know I'd like to hear about it!
And damluvaam made a great point about my little scenario; it may indeed confuse him if you suddenly change up on him. Tell him that you're going to change how you approach things, and maybe that will give him the heads up.
Relax, release the anxiety, breathe. You'll be fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey you guys were great with your advice. I will see him tonight and I am going to do the talking. If he wants to talk which I hope he does then I will listen. If he doesn't then I will let it go. I hope it goes well becuase I love him. i guess I am a bit pig-headed too and also a bit scared because of my feelings for him and I don't want to get hurt. Funny because if I didnt care none of this would have even bothered me.
Thank you again!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2009):
Good answer by damluvaam! He very nicely gave a male POV that explains what's happening in your guy's head.
So, you've discovered that the way things have been handled make both of you miserable. He goes in to the cave, you build up resentment.
So, much as you don't want to hear this, you are going to have to change your approach. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right? What you're doing now isn't working, therefore, you need to change your tack.
And I hate to say this, but one could make the argument that you are being a big baby and want your way and want only to see things your way. I say that because I don't see any attempt on your part to look at it from his perspective. So maybe you're both pig-headed? Think about it.
Right, let's look at this step-by-step. He hurts you. It's unintentional. You are upset and want to express this hurt and anger to him.
He probably thinks to himself, "I didn't mean to hurt her, why is she blaming me for this? I don't get any slack from her, she seems to react to the smallest perceived slight with overkill. I just don't want to deal with it. I'm outta here." Cave time.
He emerges, "is the coast clear?" You want to talk about it. He's thinking, "Oh lord, didn't we just go through this? It's a stupid misunderstanding but we have to hash it out over and over again. Why can't she realize that I didn't mean it. I get that she's upset, why does she have to LIVE on the misery? Let's move on!" He's not listening to you because he thinks you're being shrill and unreasonable.
I don't know here what inappropriate behavior he's guilty of, you didn't explain.
So how to change this?
Right. He engages in inappropriate behavior. (It really would help to know what he's doing that so irritates you.) You (calmly): George, I need to address this incident. You did x and y. I find it disrespectful/hurtful/mean/gross (fill in the blank) because it makes me look idiotic for being with you/I lose respect for you/my feelings are deeply hurt.
George: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, I just was drunk/not thinking/distracted/stressed/stupid.
You: I appreciate you telling me that you didn't mean it. That means a lot to me, to know that you didn't intend to hurt me. I know I have harped on about this in the past, so I don't think we have anything to gain by spending ages discussing it. I just want to let you know that what you did was hurtful. I hope you can recognize that and understand. I know you don't like to talk about this too much, so I'm going to assume that you do understand my point of view. And as what happened wasn't intentional, I totally forgive you. Let's hug and make up.
George: Thank you (hugs).
You: (pulling back and in a joking manner smiling) Of course, if it happens again, I'm going to remove your internal organs with a blunt spoon. But I know you understand, so I don't have to worry any more about this. I love you!
(This only works if he has a sense of humor. If he doesn't, skip that previous bit. Try this instead.)
You: (serious) You know, I care about you so much and I want us to be good together. Can I have your assurance that we will work out our problems with open hearts and open minds?
And then of course, you have to be willig to work on things with an open heart and an open mind. And a willingness to see his side too, even if he doesn't see yours.
Now again, this all is dependent on him not doing deliberately cruel things. Then all bets are off.
Change your attitude, change your approach. That's what I'm proposing to you. You can't change him, you can only change you. It might work, it might not. What do you have to lose?
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for an your answer. yes i am angry but my anger really stems from...I feel that is such a waste of time and energy to dwell on stupid things. why not deal with them get passed them and get back to enjoying each other. I can see him being mad for a day or two but for 2 weeks - come on grow up. Will be trying to discuss this with him tonight, hope he will be open - he usually is not. For instance I will have to go to his house to talk otherwise he will prob just jump in his car and drive off - never resolving anything. Any suggestions+
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