A
female
age
30-35,
*orry
writes:Hello everyone, i am facing an issue and i cant figure exactly whats the underlying cause.I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.And right now we are doing longdistance due to college.I love him a lot and he loves me too;however we are having some problems.First,pictures of him with girls on his lap at parties, and second him planning trips to go to stripper clubs or other states with some girls.I dont have any problem with him having female friends,i am totally okay with it,however they have to be boundaries.And that crew of girls he is planning things with,they are a little wild,they are the kind of girls who will kiss each other at parties,or kiss random people,they dont have very high moral values.I am not a jealous girlfriend and he knows it,however i am totally not okay with what he does with those girls,i feel disrespected,when i saw those pics of him with them all of him.And he doesn't understand how that is an issue,he said he will stop doing it because he doesn't want to hurt me,but he feels like i am taking away his freedom. I am so confused,to me he should be understanding the issue since it looks so simple,especially since i am not controlling.And now i feel as though,he is in prison with me,and i dont like that.He told me that i should try to make him understand what is the issue,but i dont know how too,for me those are things people in relationship should feel and understand.I am the issue?Am i taking this relationship too seriously?Am i being a controlling girlfriend?Please help me understandJust to add something: the pictures incident is happening for the second time,the first time he understood and apologized because the girl on his lap was his ex girlfriend.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 What Honeygirl said.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): OP if he doesn't understand and wants to understand then it's just a matter of communicating that to him. Part of me thinks you don't fully understand how to get your point across either and hence why you'd like it if he just "got this". OP it's a good sign that he's trying to see things your way. That to me says he cares, it says to me he's trying to fix this through communication and empathy. I also think the fact that he's willing to forgo things like this for you even though his male friends see nothing wrong with it is good too. So a compromise that will satisfy your feelings but won't compromise his freedom is what's called for.
OP first you need to get your head around how you really feel about these things and why? You say it's nothing to do with jealousy but perhaps there is a slight hint of that. You know jealousy is a poisonous thing mostly but a little bit of jealousy is a good thing OP. Perhaps seeing a girl on his lap, her ass that close to his crotch and getting that intimate does stir a bit of jealousy in you.
OP as it seems he wants to understand and protect this relationship then I think you need to figure out what is and is not acceptable to you but also what you think you may be going overboard with. Okay, I understand that he likes to get too close to these girls, too physical and a level of intimacy that makes you uncomfortable, so just let him know that's what it is. As for the trip to Amsterdam, I see no problem with that as long as he agrees to those physical boundaries. Just tell him you hate seeing girls like those being all over him and him letting them. That's all, no big deal. You're not demanding he stops having fun, just that he keeps a respectful physical distance with them, nothing else. If he can stop doing that and you know he won't be doing that kind of thing then I think hanging out with them wouldn't really bother you anymore would it?
It's not unreasonable to ask these things OP, and I have a feeling he'd be okay with doing that too. I mean it really doesn't make nights out any less fun to ensure that you don't allow members of the other gender get too close while in a relationship and it's not about them being friends, it's a level of intimacy you want reserved for you. Simple as that, you wouldn't sit on any other guys lap, with his boner rubbing off your ass because you're spoken for, you don't feel comfortable with him being in that kind of situation.
I mean I had a similar issue with an ex, she was used to getting drunk and falling asleep in the same bed as her male friends and stuff and I hated that idea and told her to stop or I'm gone. She couldn't understand why I had a problem with it, all her friends did the same thing and there was nothing to it. I told her that was a right reserved only for me and could she safely say none of them would ever make a move on her while in bed? She said most guys did but it didn't matter because she would stop them because she's with me. You see that to me was completely unacceptable. Why? Because she should not have been putting herself in that position in the first place but she saw nothing wrong with letting other guys try to feel her up etc. To her that was normal ad when she asked her friends they too all said that was normal and fine, that I was the one with issue but I didn't care, it was boundary too far for me to accept.
I think you have a similar issue OP, it's not about what his friends think he's not dating them is he? Just tell him to cut the physical intimacy, establish a set boundary you want him to keep. It's nothing major to not let girls swing off him or sit on his lap and it's a lot safer too because accidents can't happen that way. OP I have some very promiscuous friends, one of them is so bad that we have to keep an eye on her every time we go out because at the end of the night it only takes one word from the first guy who even speaks to her to get her to go home with him and we have to drag her away each time. I've very often had to take her home on my own and she is a very frisky girl when drunk. Does my girlfriend get suspicious of that, yeah I'd say it makes her uncomfortable but I'm not even barely physically affectionate with this friend, I would not let her sit on my lap and if I'm taking her home after a night out I always give my girlfriend a call or message to say what's going on (she usually will collect us and take us back to her place anyway) My girlfriend doesn't have to worry about an accidental kiss because I haven't once in 7 years gotten that close to a girl who may have tried that, especially not when drunk. I don't bump ad grind girls on the dancefloor, I don't get touchy feely with girls or anything like that. This is how I behave and it makes my girlfriend feel secure and it's nothing to do with freedom, it's about protection. I'm sure if you communicate this properly to him he'll understand and pretty easily comply.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Try and ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. What if... YOU posted pictures of great parties and hot dudes with hard bodies and you draped on their laps? How would he feel?
I don't think it just comes down to trust, though in order for a relationship to work you HAVE to have trust.
It's not like you expect him to lock himself in his room at college, but he needs to realize that when you are in a relationship there are boundaries you BOTH need to respect.
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A
female
reader, Lorry +, writes (14 March 2012):
Lorry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie,you just made me laugh! Yes,indeed thats how it looks like but he doesnt realize it.At first i thought its the age,but i am younger and i can still see it as wrong,but they say women mature faster,but i don't want to use that as an excuse for his wrong doings,if you can see it and Cerberus can,and other people can too,it means i am not crazy.If his friends think he is not doing anything wrong,then maybe he needs someone from that kind of world,not mine.
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Lorry +, writes (14 March 2012):
Lorry is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie thanks a lot for your input.That is exactly how i feel;however him he cant get that.For him he says as long as i trust him,i should understand that he is not doing anything wrong. I told him its not about trust but rather respect towards me,himself,and the relationship. He still doesn't get it,he said he wont do it again but he doesn't understand it,and relationships shouldn't be prison.And i am afraid now that he will do it and hide it from me,or he will end up resenting me.
Cerberus,that was very helpful.Just to make something clear,i am a sophomore in college and he is senior, he is two years older than me,he is just not someone who just got to college and is blinded by whats going on there,but that one group of girls i find wild they are freshman.He is a very smart guy,and we have a lot of things in common,but lately i realized i had to reconsider this relationship,because i was feeling that we were in two different places.
I asked him how he would feel if i was the one on these pictures,he told me the first one where he had his ex (if it was my ex),he would have been upset and thats why he apologized for the pictures,but for the one where he had the other girls he said if it was me with my guy friends he wouldn't have a problem at all. And i dont know if he really wouldn't mind or if its because he knows i wouldn't do it .
Like you,he has another group of guy friends with whom he hangs out,go to stripper clubs with i dont mind at all,and he has other female friends that i dont mind either.I told him,i dont mind if you meet those girls lets call them the wild crew,at some party and party together, but the fact that you even plan to go with them to Amsterdam ( the craziest city in the world),and you think its just okay isn't right. But like you said for him,thats prison.I should let him hang out with whoever he wants,how he wants as long as he doesn't cheat on me.
The problem i have know,even though he said he wont do it again,it doesn't feel right for me,because in my heart i know thats what he wants to do,and i don't want to be the person to stand in his way,i wish he could see it himself and understand,but the fact that he doesn't proves me that we see this relationship through two very different eyes, He also told me that he asked his friends and they told him that nothing was wrong with those pictures,that i didnt have the right to be upset.I guess his friends think like him
He said that if it was jealous then he would understand,and i replied that this is not even close to a jealous issue,and he knows i am not the jealous type.But if he doesnt realize those small issues himself,its normal that he will feel like he is being in prison,because he wont be doing anything out of his own will but rather because i asked him too,and that in the end can end up being a burden for him,and i dont want to be a burden for anyone. I want someone who can see these things for himself.
Yesterday we talked,and he asked me to try and make him understand whats so wrong with him taking pictures with female friends on his lap,or why is so wrong for him to plan trips with them?To be honest with you,for me thats THE REAL ISSUE,the fact that he has to ask me those questions,for me it shows me how his mindset works.I am really torn and confused.
This might sound crazy,but i feel like,i would rather have him keep doing things the way he understand them rather than doing it because i asked so,and then maybe one day he will finally come to his senses and understand,but i wont be with him waiting for him,but at this point,it feels like whatever he will do,it will be because i asked soo,and it doesn't feel right.
Cerberus,you helped me a lot with your post,you made some very good points.And with your friend's story i can relate to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2012):
Sounds like he wants to do EVERYTHING a single guy can do, but have you as his GF and you.. of course should just swallow the whole "singles act".
Seems to me your BF is having a bit of "out of sight out of mind" attitude towards you. And that, is disrespectful.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 This guy wants to be single as well as have a faithful gf waiting at home for him.
NO WAY!!!
You dont need this in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): OP the situation is easy to understand. He wants to act single, this freedom he talks about is not something you're denying him but that your relationship is denying him.
You're not controlling OP, you're just being a reasonable girlfriend who doesn't want her boyfriend fooling around with other girls, something which he is doing and from his "freedom" comments thinks he should be allowed to do. Well screw him, is he wants to have the freedom of a single guy then he shouldn't be in a relationship, he can't have the best of both worlds as he's disrespecting you and the normal boundaries of being in a relationship.
Nothing you're saying is unreasonable nor controlling so don't for one second think that. OP my girlfriend is fine with me going to strip clubs as long as I'm in a group and I was invited. She'd have a problem with it if it was a regular thing or I went on my own so I don't do it. She would not be okay with me letting promiscuous girls sit on my lap or me getting too close to them physically, so I don't, it's nothing about freedom OP, it's the normal boundary. For me and a lot of the guys I hang out with having a girlfriend gives us more freedom in those respects because we can be in those situations and not have to chase, nor do anything but talk, dance and enjoy ourselves. There is no pressure on us to hook up, there is no competition for women and we can enjoy our night without having any of that crap on our minds knowing full well we have a lover waiting at home or that we'll see soon.
The thing with your boyfriend is his age and his situation. He's living in a different city and now just after going to college. I'm a mature student in college and have many friends your age and one of the biggest pressures on them is not exams, nor assignments but the pressure to party, to socialize and experience all the fun that we're supposed to in college. All around us in college there are keggers, parties, there are free and easy girls, single guys hunting girls, girls boasting with pride about guys they kissed on nights out etc. it's a rite of passage and one he is enveloped in and feels compelled to join in.
I have one female friend in college who is only looking for a long term relationship and doesn't like the idea of being with lots of guys but all her college friends keep score and try and get with as many guys as possible because that's what all the girls do in college, it's the thing they all discuss and it's the first thing they ask when asking about nights out. So she is torn then between her own needs and moral foundations and the need to feel like she's living her life to fullest, so she ends up with guys on nights out too, because she can't help but feel too bad about missing out if she doesn't even though it goes against everything she believes in, she's too worried about looking back and feeling she's missed out on life. The point is OP he's at the age now where to him "freedom" is being able to join in with what his peers are doing, what you and he don't understand is that's not freedom, that's the real prison. You don't have to get with lots of people in college just because everyone else is and says it's fun and that's the tradition, that mindset is in itself a prison and it's a pressure that's needless. You don't have to flirt with, dance with or get cozy with girls every time you go out just because that's what the herd are doing but it's a very strong compulsion to do so. Everything in society tells us that at your age that's what your supposed to do and he's in the middle of all that now.
It's simple though OP, he's in a relationship, he has to respect the boundaries of that and respect you. If he can't and he feels he wants more freedom then you have to make the choice of letting him have that and being hurt, letting him be free and single to do those things or ask him to respect you. Basically OP ask him if he would be okay with you doing all those things, if you're not the kind of person that would make sure he factors that into his answer. He may well say he'd be fine with it safely knowing you never would, so take that into account.
Finally you're not being controlling, you're being intelligent. You cannot allow your boyfriend of 2 years to hurt you or to continue to hurt you this way, it's not controlling to want to protect yourself and your relationship, it's intelligent.
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