A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past 10 years. I recently told him that he might want to consider moving out and becoming more of a responsible grown up- that his fear to act like an adult and his fear of committing to a marriage was enough for me. Having said that and having witnessed his shock and sadness, I also assured him that I love him as much as ever and want to begin seeing a couples therapist. He's been gone a little over a week- staying with a friend. We've both been emotionally drained and very sad. I was secretly hoping that he would fight for staying and actively help find a couples therapist and assure me he will fight to the end to give me the happiness i deserve. That didn't happen. We met for dinner last night and everything was going well until i mentioned going to therapy. he didn't respond. when i asked him if he initially agreed just to placate me, he answered 'yes'. I lost it. I blew up and made things even worse. He said that he's thought about it and that moving out is the right thing for him and at this point in the game, he doesn't know he can or wants to stay committed. Aside from his Peter Pan complex and the gradual dimming of passion in our relationship (both of us are at fault on this one)- We are best friends, adore each other and have no other irreparable issues. I told him if he can't tell me right now that our relationship is worth salvaging- then there's nothing else to talk about. in a confused and emotionally distraught rage, i dumped him downtown and sped away- leaving him with tears in his eyes. after a sleepless and regret filled evening- i called and apologized. We agreed to meet again. I don't know why- I can't bear to let this end this way, but i think we need some time and space. Should I take him up on his offer to placate me and see a therapist? is he too confused to know what he's saying about being unsure it's worth fighting for? I guess if he's willing to go- even if he's not convinced, that's something, right?He has never lived on his own and wants to for his own self-confidence. He doesn't know if he'll ever want to move back. What do I make of that? Three weeks ago, he told me I was his world and we were talking about moving to a bigger house in the next 6 months. What have I done? and what should I do now??
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I agree with Gina, the counselling could have a great effect on you as a couple but not if you push his buttons - you will likely not feel happier by doing so, and neither will he.If he doesn't have self confidence at 40 and he is going about to achieve it like a 18 year old would, by living alone, then so be it, but it is quite strange. I'm sorry that you are stuck in this complicated situation with a person who is so fearful of commiting to you. What I must say is that unless he is willing to create a better balance in his life for himself, he isn't going to change much for your sake. He might go to therapy now to placate you but I fear this wouldn't lead to a real progress if he isn't motivated and doesn't pluck up the courage to look at himself and this relationship from the outside trying to rationalise the entire situation, but then again, maybe he isn't capable now to make this progress and who knows if he ever will? I am sure that there are cases where the commitment phobic does change and I am positive in some cases it is worth trying, preferably earlier into the relationship, the emotional impact is harder to deal with the more time passes by.I am thinking about the nagging person who tells her spouse to quit smoking. Many times we see the smoker actually smoking even heavier than before. This may not be the most fortunate comparison but pushing someone to see things your way could create a progress that is illusory. I am sure that in case of those who do succeed in similar situations, they do not avoid talking over their issues, moreover that is an important element in the problem solving process, PROVIDED that both are motivated and willing to talk and face their fears. I wouldn't insist that he keep his word and go to a therapist, he might do this but if he isn't convinced he should, he will feel constrained and I can only see that growing his fears. What would be more appropriate after you have launched this proposal is to tell him that he shouldn't do it only for your sake and whenever he is decided it is worth to apply this as a solution, he can return to you to pick up from where you left off - provided that you are still available then. In this way, he still has a power of decision, to establish the "when" and he won't feel pushed into counselling without actually seeing the benefits of it. At this point he may not even realise he has a problem. Do you think your relationship could have stepped further in other circumstances? It could also be helpful to see what could have been done differently, just to learn from the past.There is the risk that he doesn't return to you, that is a reality you have to face, unfortunately. It is also possible that you will tire of waiting and waiting and finally face him to say you are coming to his terms instead. That means no marriage. But I presume that this won't make you much content, there is pain either way you look at things, leave or stay - and besides, one problem never comes alone. His being unable to commit I am sure shows in other ways than not seeing you at the altar. How do you cope with those? Maybe he will see how well you are doing on your own and see that you were not much different when you were together; you can hint to him jokingly in your convos about this or joke by saying: you don't know how independent I've become since not being tied to a relationship, I'm ________ (complete with usual things you used to do before, when you were in a relationship). A healthy relationship never takes away from your sense of independency. Nobody can guarantee he will come to his senses or burry himself further into his phobias and complexes though. But I think since you have already separated, why would you take him back without any promise of a better tomorrow and a proof he is willing to at least meet you halfway - for example by accompanying you to couples' counselling, which should better come from his mouth, not yours? Why have you broken up then? To seem unserious, to seem that you don't know what you want, like him? At least take some good time until you can see more clearly what you wish to do next and if you are willing to let go of your values for him. You seem to wish to have never suggested a break, but then you would still feel miserable, wouldn't you?It is normal to hope for him to change during this break, and you can maintain a friendship and see how you both feel as time goes by, but I also think that you should at one point move on. Best wishes.I found this link for you: http://hubpages.com/hub/Committment-Phobia---A-Modern-Malady
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Hi - In a sudccessful relationship I think both partners need to be able to move effortlessley between the 'parent' and 'child' models. Sometimes one just needs to be taken care of and vice versa. If it is all one sided one can quickly get into a habit of parent/child which inevitably breeds resentment. I had exactly this problem 20 years ago. Gorgeous man who undoubtedly loved me and I him but unable to move on in an adult way. Everytime a friend got engaged it would send me into a depression as I was terrified of waking up aged 50 having missed the boat as he would not enter into the 'whats next for us' conversation.
I was determined that he was 'the one' and having left him - to try to spur him into action (he just went very quiet and sad) I found us a couples therapist and off we went for a year. It all unfolded fairly predictably - his parents had a bad marriage - rows and little love etc. He declared his love for me so often that after a year I bit the bullet and proposed to him. BIG MISTAKE! I have never got over the fact that I 'bullied' him into our marriage. I will stop rambling as this one can go on and on. Suffice to say we have spent a fortune on therapy over the years but the real issue is that he has never been able to be an adult in his parents eyes. He has low self esteem and lacks confidence. If any of this seems similar to your partners issues I really suggest you tread carefully. Try to work out the cause of his low self esteem and lack of confidence. In my experience this must be examined or you will end up looking after a 'child'. After 20 years of this we are at our final crossroads now. I am on the verge of leaving as I feel his inability to act as a responsible adult is impacting on my health. He is having some good results with an NLP practitioner but the real nub of the matter is whether he will ever be able to be a grownup with his mother. You are right in that its a tragic situation - you both love eachother and are brilliant friends - as we are - but as an adult relationship - the balance is all out of kilter. good luck
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 That's a hard one. I can understand his point about gaining independence by living by himself (as he never has before) but going by your age - and guessing he's of similar age - you want something permanent and are desparing of him for not wanting this too.
I had something similar in that (I'm 31 and so is my partner) and feel I'm too old to 'flat' anymore (my partner lives with his brother and brother's girlfriend) and want to buy a house with him. He says he's not ready, so I said I'd live by myself first and wait until he's ready. He has now changed his mind and said he IS ready (go figure!)...I'll never really understand men...lol
By saying you're willing to compromise and let him make his mind up when he's ready, you're showing him that you aren't totally unbending when it comes to being flexible.
Basically, it's more about how long you're willing to wait until he's ready to move back in with you? If you're prepared for the long haul and think the relationship is worth saving, I'd say give him the time he needs to make a decision. Too much pressure at the wrong time and he'll run like a deer! Maybe some subtle suggestions about it's time that Peter Pan hung up his tights and stays away from the Lost Boys (Bachelors!) and see what he says.
All you can really do is talk to him one on one when you're both calm and relaxed, or alternatively, you could write your feelings down first to get your structured point across.
Wishing you luck in resolving the situation, AK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): For one thing, you are going to be hurting, confused, and emotional because 10 years is a long time to be with someone. From what I gather from your post, your b/f is going to continue to drag his feet. The both of you have been living together for a decade and he is perfectly content with the living arrangements. He may not be too inclined to marry you. On the flip side, (which may be a small possibility) he may get the wake up call and decide to get his act together.
It has been to my experience that a man is not going to really mature and learn the true meaning of responsibility until he has lived on his own ALONE. You stated that he has never been on his own before, so there in lies the reason for his immaturity. As long as he knows that he has you there to "fix" everything from making important decisions, the final financial decisions, or even the color to paint the walls, he is not going to understand where you are coming from. It isn't until he has the full meal deal and no one to completely depend on, will he ever begin to mature.
My suggestion is if you want to continue the relationship, then I think that you and your b/f should live in seperate houses. If you can afford to pay all the bills, then let him go and get an apartment on his own. Sign a six months lease so that he can understand what it truly is to stand on his own two feet. If your relationship survives that time frame, then the two of you can sit down and have a rational discussion on how the two you want things to be.
Hope that this helps, best of luck to you
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