A
female
age
30-35,
*torm08
writes:hi there,im very confused at the moment. my girlfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years, and i love her so much, that i cant imagine my life without her. everything was perfect when we first got together, it was intense and pssionate, everything i could imagine. after around 8 months or so we got our own place and moved in together. That was when the problems started, everything went from perfect to 0 in a matter of 3 months. the romance died, no more spontanous ideas, no romantic gestures, no cuddles, and now no sex. Yet she still wants us to get married next year. i want it to be how it was when we first were together, i have tried talking to her, but she just shrugs, i have tried everything i can think of. i dont want us to end it becuase i love her so much... i just dont see why she would want to marry me when we dont act like a couple just more like " friends"please help methank you xxxx
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (3 December 2009):
 You dont say how old you are, or how old she is, but from your age range 18-21, this is pretty young to be considering getting married in the first place.
I think being "a couple" and dating whilst living apart (maybe at home), seeing each other a every other day, maybe chatting on the phone every day, is a very different ball game to actually living together. Relationships get along very happily while everyone has their own space, the "down time" if you like from their partner. When you do see each other its "wow" and sparks fly and the passion takes over. The is a different dynamic going on. You yearn to see your partner, you miss their company etc etc etc
So, things like romantic gestures, spontaneous dates, etc are great, when you haven't seen someone for a couple of days, or the only chance you will get to see them is at 7pm on friday due to work etc etc etc..... but does this same excitement exist, when you are with someone 24/7? Do you still yearn to see them when you know they will be waiting for you at home?
Moving in together is often the make or break for a relationship, and you have to learn to deal with having your beloved around you all the time. Often this can be too much, and the small things, which you ignored when you could go home away from each other become massive things. Habits about washing up, moodiness, snoring! Little personality traits which you hide subconsciously cannot be hidden 24/7, its just not possible. This is the time when men often realise their GF is not perfect, and has to shave her legs in the bath, fart and go to the toilet. Men seem to blank that kind of thing out! (altho us girls will always be at great pains to hide anything like that while we are dating).
You say she has gone off sex since you moved in together? I take it you now sleep together in the same bed every night? Whereas you may not have before? This can create all sorts of mischief in the mind. Whereas she looked forward to the odd night of nookie, now she may think (and I stress THINK- this maybe completely in her imagination)that you will expect it every night, which may scare her or put her off.
What about general living with someone... has she lived alone before? Or did she move out of home? If the latter, then is she not used to actually having to do stuff about the house? Having to do, the cooking, cleaning, tidying up, washing, shopping can actually be a very big shock to the system! Maybe she isnt used to it, and is pining for home and someone to do it for her?
I think if you have already drifted into "friends" after 3 months, then you either are not ready to live together yet - and not all couples are ready at the same time. OR this has shown you, that maybe long term you are not compatible.
This is where you have to start looking at this relationship in a mature manner. 2 years of dating is one thing, but living together and making a long term relationship out of it is something very different.
You have to really look deep to find the answer, and you need to talk to her and find out what is going through her mind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): and no you should not befre you got your own place how was it,perhap a little ride out to somecoutry lanes may help but u really need to talk and see wants gon wrong remember there is always that honeymoon period where you can not keep your hands off each other.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 December 2009):
Well, you tried talking and she just shrugged. Now you need to be direct. You need to tell her that by not opening up to you, there isn't really any hope in your relationship. Something has happened to make her change, and she needs to open up. Tell her there is no chance of marriage at this moment because she doesn't seem committed enough. If she still won't open up, you need to think about ending it because you'll only end up unhappy. I know you don't want to, but sometimes it's for the best.
...............................
|
