A
female
age
41-50,
*orceedea
writes:So I have been depressed and heart broken for the past two weeks and a half now. I was engaged to be married and he recently broke up with me saying that he gave up on me a long time ago because I wasn't as affectionate to him as I use to be. The problem is that we had postponed or canceled the wedding twice. And the second time he began to change on me slowly. According to him, he say's we have grown too far apart to continue together in the relationship. I still love him and don't feel the same and I have tried talking to him about our issues in the past to get it resolved with no success. Now I am feeling as if he just never loved me period. But he is very confusing. After the breakup he asked me if I will wait for him until he gets his life together so that we can try to fix things. After saying that, he basically said he just said that in the spur of the moment and thinks it's best if I find somebody else. Then he went on by saying we can be friends. But then unfriend me from facebook and said that he changed his mind. Now he is saying we can be friends again. The thing that hurts the most is that when we were together we never really argued. We got along perfectly. We did have some minor issues but these were issues that I feel could have been fixed and we would have been fine. I don't understand what went wrong? Am I right to think he never loved me? He took all of my things and placed them outside for me to pick it up. I am still hurt especially since I bought the wedding dress and the wedding accessories and can't seem to sell it in craigslist. What do you guys think is wrong with him? Should I move on and forget about him? Or do you think he might be confused? I don't know what's wrong. That day we were fine talking about the wedding laughing and we did have a slight argument about my mom and our search for a vehicle and that only lasted for like 5 seconds or so. Then out of the blue he said we should split up. Any ideas and advice? I will greatly appreciate it thanks!
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broke up, depressed, engaged, facebook, move on, period, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 October 2011):
 Sounds like you what you are experiencing is normal. Yes, from the sounds of it, your ex is trying to forget about you. I am sure you and him had put in some significant time together and while it has been 3 months, the wounds are still healing.
Sometimes people move on best by cutting all ties. I wouldn't think that he loved you any less -- as you certainly did spend time with one another and had even talked about marriage.
The right guy will come along for you and will make all this drama ancient history. Just be patient and make your available for that opportunity to happen.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, sorceedea +, writes (23 October 2011):
sorceedea is verified as being by the original poster of the question So it's been 3 1/2 months since the breakup and we have not spoken or seen each other at all. I have text him to get the rest of my things but am not sure why he refuses to talk to me and at times he completely ignores me. It's like if he wants to completely forget I ever exist and is this whole new person I have never seen. It still affects me and hurts in some ways but I am doing so much better from the day he broke it off. Sometimes I wonder if he ever did love me or if he was just with me for the hell of it. Any opinion would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for all of your advice. It has helped me feel better and am well on my way to recovering.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 September 2011):
My first instinct on this is that your fiancee has either serious commitment issues or has a deep fear of actually tying the knot. Has he ever been married before or did he have a short marriage that ended horribly? If the answer is no, then I think that is likely your answer.
While I know it hurts, it sounds like he is afraid of something not working out and winding up having to get a divorce. Your minor arguments, either stoke this fear, or they weren't resolved to his satisfaction and he fears that you really don't get along after all.
There aren't many good answers for this type of man. He is looking for perfection and lacks the "guts" to commit 100% to a woman. If marriage is important to you, I think you need to accept that this relationship is likely over and find someone who is willing to sign on the dotted line, so to speak. You've given him multiple chances to get married and each time he has broken them off. This type of man will only marry you if his back is against the wall or you force an ultimatum on him -- and do you really want to go that route?
Do accept my sympathies...
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 September 2011):
It sounds like there was a massive lack of communication in your relationship and conflict avoidance. He was with holding true thoughts and feelings and intentions on major issues (like what he thinks of you), for a long time and as a recurring pattern. There was no arguing, but that's only because he was keeping things to himself and stewing about them without you knowing. This was never a healthy relationship.
Conflict avoidance is a killer of relationships, as much as high-conflict is. They're two sides of the same coin. Some times people who had past bad experiences with high-conflict relationships may swing the opposite extreme in their next relationship and try to avoid any potential unpleasantness. But that means that important differences of opinion and values don't get discussed or shared, problems don't get resolved because they are not allowed to be acknowledged because the most important thing is to keep the illusion of peace. so he could have been with holding true thoughts and feelings because he's afraid of conflict. Or you could have contributed to him with holding his thoughts and feelings, IF in the past you had made him feel highly uncomfortable for having shared his thoughts with you or talked about problems.
Either way, conflict avoidance means ultimately that the relationship isn't genuine. One person is living in his own head, and the other is clueless that this is even happening. This is a really unhealthy relationship, even though there's hardly any arguing. At best, it's just a superficial relationship. But usually it's worse than that and filled with untold resentments and disappointments which makes people withdraw from each other without saying why.
Whether the relationship was this way because he has really bad interpersonal relationship skills (such as being unable to deal with conflict and so avoids it at the expense of being fake), or because you contributed in some way to making him want to avoid sharing his true thoughts and feelings with you, it's unclear from your post. Also since the wedding was canceled twice, and he's now the one who wants to end the relationship but you say you don't feel the same way... it sounds like this pattern has been going on a long time so the end of the relationship now, isn't actually sudden but was a long time coming.
Since he obviously had a lot of ambivalence about this relationship for a long time, and he also is not saying why, this to me is reason enough to stay broken up with him and not try to convince him to get back together because this is a pretty miserable way to be in a relationship. he has basically shut down towards you.
His erratic behavior post-breakup seems like just a more intensified version of his behavior when you were still together (i.e. being ambivalent about you but not saying why). now he could be trying to play games with you, or he could sincerely be just very confused but not intending to hurt you. or maybe he has some cognitive dysfunction or personality disorder which makes him have wide mood swings and inconsistent behavior.
but either way, since you're broken up, it sounds like it's best to stay that way. You could try talking with him to get some answers if you think that will help you to heal and move on, but I wouldn't try to persuade him to get back together.
It might be best for you to just cut off all contact with him, for now at least, so that you don't have to keep wondering why he has friended or unfriended you on facebook, and what it means and why he's doing it.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Leave this guy alone and stop communicating with him. This guy is playing mind games with you and doesn't know what he wants. You have better things to do than to get caught up in these games. If he wanted to really be with you, then you would still be engaged right now. And if he wanted to be friends, then he would've been honest with you. This guy isn't worth your time.
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A
female
reader, nnifer75 +, writes (4 September 2011):
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think you should stop asking yourself if he ever loved you and what went wrong and instead ... think of something else when those questions creep inside your head. How to make your favorite meal .... What shows are on TV tonight .... call a friend. I don't know him but I know this... he's not worth any more tears or heartache. You and your time are worth more than that. Whatever his issue is he has to deal with it - not you. You have to move on and leave him behind - you can do it!
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