A
female
age
30-35,
*itti_kat123
writes:Im 22 years old and Ive been dating this guy for around 3 weeks, and he is seriously the sweetest, affectionate, caring man i have ever met in my life. But the problem is im not sexually attracted to him. I do fancy him, i think he is hansom but the sexual attraction doesn’t seem to be there. Ive been single for 2 years after ending a very dysfunctional relationship that lasted for 3 years. And since i have been single ive dated men just for "fun" and there has always been a crazy sexual attraction but these relationships were only ever based around sex and nothing more. So im feeling very confused at the moment. This new guy buys me gifts and flowers, cooks for me and would do absolutely anything for me, but for some reason something just doesn’t feel right. I wondering if it is just because im not used to men treating me this way and im not used to being in a "normal" relationship or if he just isnt right for me?? Ive waited ages for a guy like this to come into my life and now he is here im having doubts. From the very first day we meet he has come on very strong and hes always made it clear that he is into me and even saying he feels like he is going to fall in love with me! I dont want to hurt him and carry this on if im not sure... But the last few weeks have been amazing just doing the normal things that couples do which i have never done before. The sex is not that great but i have always had problems enjoying sex with someone so im not really sure if that is down to him or just me. But there is no urge to just rip his cloths off and in the early stages in a relationship couples are usually at it like rabbits right? Any advice would be appreciated xxx
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Don't do it. Sexual attraction is key if you don't have it now, it will not magically appear later. Trust me on this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): If you font fancy him forget it. You will end up breaking this poor guys heart. Don't lead him on if you know the chemistry is not there now. Been there and done that to a really lovely guy. Believe me it gets worse if you try and force the issue.
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (1 May 2011):
 You do need chemistry in a relationship. Give it a go. Maybe you're comparing him to your last relationship. If it dont feel right, keep on walking....
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A
female
reader, AguaSwimGurl  +, writes (1 May 2011):
I am in a similar situation as you so I feel your confusion....I am 23 and just got out of a 1 and a half year relationship with a guy that I had the "rip off your clothes" attraction to. In the beginning everything was perfect, everything was great because we were really into each other but then he became emotionally abusive and controlling. Not to say this is what all guys you are sexually attracted to are like this, but I rushed into the relationship with him and didn't really get to know him. Even after a year of dating him there were things I found out about him that I didn't like. By that time I was invested, but it bothered me because there were so many things that I didn't like about him and that bothered me that I felt like I was stuck!
As for my situation now, I have been really good friends with one of my other ex's since I started college and we are still friends even now as I finish graduate school. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. We were really good friends before we started dating. He like you are saying about your guy is the perfect guy. The guy that any girl would want. He is sweet, caring and really cares and loves me as a person. I know he wants to get back together with me but I am not feeling that much of a sexual attraction with him which is why we had broke up in the first place and are friends now. I am dating around and having a good time but am also confused as to whether I should get back together with my ex because I feel like there aren't as nice and genuine guys as him....
As for you, like me I think it would be wise to take some time and take it slow. You need to sort out your feelings on your own and really think about what is important for you in a relationship. Don't let anyone pressure you into really committing if you don't want to as well. This guy sounds great and a real catch but I think you need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel right now. If you are upfront and honest with him I'm sure he would really appreciate it and grow to care about even more. If he is not willing to take things slow I would think and consider his motives and if he is really interested. If he really cares he will give you time to think. Also, if you are not feeling the physical attraction you are not feeling it and that may be something that will never happen or will happen after you really get to know the guy and find out things you really like about him. There may be some things you find out about him that you don't like or after awhile think maybe you two aren't right for each other. Sometimes chemistry and physical attraction can come after time and that may be the case for you. Just be honest with him, tell him how you feel and take it slow! There is no rush!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): ...I've had the same experience.
I think the urge to "rip somebody's clothes off" comes when you feel a secure with a person. This might sound counter intuitive, but it all depends on what makes you secure.
Perhaps in the past, you derived a sense of security because you knew the relationship was doomed from the start...because you knew at heart it would be temporary... or because you could comfortably resent the person or hold them at an emotional distance. I'm not at all saying these are conscious thoughts...but they can make a person feel secure, because they don't feel like they're at risk.
Perhaps when you knew that the relationship didn't really have a future, you felt permission to cut loose in bed? Perhaps in your past, you associated your sexual feelings with all the emotions of a dysfunctional relationship...insecurity, helplessness, perhaps even resentment?
When someone is genuinely kind, open, and command respect from you, the emotional stakes are higher and it can be harder to relax with the person because you admire them. And...I should say that not all sex has to be fast and furious to be good. It can also be nicer at a slower and more intimate pace...I just think it takes some time to learn how to enjoy it that way. I say give this guy a chance and you could reroute some of your sexual impulses in a positive way.
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