A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,For the whole of last year I was fighting cancer... It was horrid and took all my resources to beat it, but I got there! When the news of remission came in I was overjoyed, but also had a cold hard slap of reality and realised that my fiancée at the time did not have my best interests at heart and was very self involved so I painfully ended it.I told myself that I deserve better and that I should stay single for a good year and work on myself... I developed goals and conquered them, now I am working on more.. I am double the person I started out and every aspect of my life (apart from love) is flourishing!This new me has oddly proven quite attractive to a few girls, and they have been trying to initiate relationships with me.. I am not used to being pursued and confidence is not the best but its on the way up :)I met someone who on paper is the near perfect girl for me.. She chased me and I relented, so we have been dating and intimate for the last month... I have told her everything about me and she has fallen for me big time! Sadly this is unrequited so far.Why don't I love her? Am I broken? I can see no reason why I should not be in love with this girl as we get each other on so many levels, and it devastates me that I cannot return her love.I have been upfront and honest about EVERYTHING and even told her honestly (although it pained me) that I am not sure of my readiness for a relationship.. but she is pushing quite hard.The only thing that has put me off so far has been that when we are having sex she purposely prevents herself from reaching orgasm... She states that she will not allow herself to orgasm for a guy unless he is in love with her and says so during sex.... This seems like a red flag to me? I know that I am doing everything rightSighToday I told her that we should stop having sex as its confusing for me, and I do not want her to feel used or lead on.. and that I would be happy doing everything else to build our connection and prove our friendship.Unlike alot guys I do not feel a need to be intimate, but rather I enjoy it to build a connection with a kindred spirit... She has been upset by my suggesting this but bargains that we should at-least have foreplay.I am worried that if we do break it off fully that Ill no longer get to keep my new best friend, or worse realise that later on down the line I have made the mistake of my life.Please help, any advice would be greatly appreciatedKind regards
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best friend, confidence, foreplay, orgasm Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Is she the "perfect" girl that you just don't love, so you have sex with her instead, or is she a rapist who you try to fend off but who wont leave you alone?
You need to make up your mind about this. The no sex before a relationship is not my standard, it's not a standard at all, it's just a rule of thumb if you a) want a relationship and b) don't want drama and the kind of situation you find yourself in right now.
A relationship is built on trust, respect, and friendship. Not sex. So if you want a relationship, if you want to get to know a person, if you want to fall in love.. then you got to wait with the sex. Sex just colours everything and takes away what the real focus should be on: getting to know one another.
I've seen so many girls use sex as a way to get into a relationship with a guy, and so many guys who have sex with whomever offers, that I can't really view sex before a relationship as anyones way of "dating". It's just a booty call, I've never ever seen such a booty call turn into a long lasting relationship. At most, people in such affairs cling to each other for about 3-4 months, and that's just for the sex. Sorry if that bursts anyones bubble, it isn't something I just say, it's the way it works.
And, unless she actually raped you, you can't call the rape-card. Really. Rape is serious. If you found her to be pushy about sex then THAT was your red flag. If you found her unable to take no for an answer, then clearly she isn't perfect, and she isn't the one for you. Again, a relationship is built on trust, friendship and respect. If she does not take no for an answer and push for sex, then she does not respect you. So a relationship with her was unattainable, right from the beginning.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 April 2014):
I don't get where chigirl is coming from either, there's a lot of assuming going on there, don't know why she's trying to impose her ideals on you...
"You need to learn, as well as this woman need to learn, that SEX is for when you are already in a committed and exclusive and official relationship. Sex is NOT for when you're just dating."
That's absolute bs! If that's YOUR rule for YOU, that's fine. But there's no reason that you need to act like that's some kind of rule that needs to apply to everyone. Sex is for when YOU feel like having sex and you have a willing partner.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong here, I've been in your situation before and time will reveal if she's right for you. 4 weeks is nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies all, some good info there.. still not too sure what to do :/
Chigirl.. I appreciate the time you have taken to respond, but your right it is harsh.. not because of your bluntness but because of your wildly inaccurate assumptions of me.
I have never initiated sex with this woman, and have advised her on many occasions that we should wait.. hell on our first date she insisted on staying at my house, to which I told her that there is to be no sex... then in the middle of the night I get jumped.
I take great offence to being labelled as a user when I have been practically raped by this woman.. Ill not go on to list more examples
Thank you
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 April 2014):
This woman is thinking she can buy a relationship with sex. She holds back her orgasm (or so she says) because she feels the need to hold back something.. anything. She's giving the milk away for free, so I really don't get the deal with holding back on.. what? The bubbles on top of the cream? Or something?
You've dated, you're having sex = you are in a relationship. If you cut out the sex she needs to realize that, oh no, you're not in a relationship, you're just dating. So she kicks and screams and fights for the sex to continue.
She's got a strange view on what constitutes a relationship.
And you, who wants to not take advantage of her? Excuse me? She's deeply in love and you think having sex with her is NOT taking advantage?
You need to learn, as well as this woman need to learn, that SEX is for when you are already in a committed and exclusive and official relationship. Sex is NOT for when you're just dating.
She's your booty call, by now. Yes, you have taken advantage of her affection for you. And she was lacking the self respect needed to not be used.
Maybe this seems harsh to you, but it's how it is. You can formulate it in other words, make it look nicer, but the truth is that she's crazy about you, you don't like her back the same way, yet you have no problem jumping to bed with her.
Set a certain standard for yourself. Sex is for when you're already in a relationship. Period. Anything else is a booty call. You will not get to know the woman if you mix sex into it too early. And women in general DO BELIEVE that if they have sex with a man they are in a relationship with him, and they fall even harder for him. So even she was the one who started falling for you, you certainly did your part to make the sparks fly.
So what to do now? Simple: if you are not ready to enter a relationship then you can not keep having sex with her, kiss her, or anything else that is intimate and reserved for a relationship. You can date, hang out, but not have sex. However, if you're not feeling anything for her by this time, then I don't think you ever will, and it is best you let her go rather than string her along.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): First of all, fantastic news that you are well and flourishing.
Secondly, your girlfriend might be the perfect for somebody else, but she's definitely not perfect for you.
You shouldn't be trying so hard to connect in the first couple of months. It comes effortlessly.
Staying in a relationship with her will only increase the heartbreak she'll feel when you do eventually break up with her.
If you end it now, you have a better chance of staying friends than if you broke up after a year and it is then too painful for her to keep in touch.
As for the sex bargaining... That's ridiculous.
Neither of you really want the other. If there was any attraction she wouldn't be holding back orgasms and you wouldn't be suggesting stopping sex completely.
She's not for you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 April 2014):
Your problem is that it's only Ben a month. Case closed. People are all different, but I think true love (vs infatuation) takes more time than that.
The orgasm denial is strange though... Not really a red flag for me, just unusual.
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