A
female
age
,
*umble
writes:I have been divorced for 6 years and my partner widowed for 15 months. We have been friends for about 30 years and are very much in love. He has taken me to meet his siblings and I have done the same.They are all so happy for us. My sons think he is great. We care and look after each other. The problem is that his 38 year old son still lives with him. He is always friendly and polite but he is not happy about his Dad having a relationship. I was in a similar situation when my father died but was much younger and feel he should want his Dad to be happy but not sure what to do. I do not want to come between Father and son.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): So what if his son isn't happy about the relationship? He will just have to be a man and accept that he has no right to hold back his father from finding happiness. it's normal for his son to be feeling uncomfortable at the sight of his dad with a woman other than his mother. But he has no right to try to control his dad in anyway. He should be dealing with his discomfort on his own and trying to accept it and get used to it, not trying to control others' relationships so he doesn't have to experience that discomfort.in the meantime, I suggest that you just don't care what the son thinks. Be polite and extend the hand of friendship to him, but don't allow him determine the course of your romantic relationship. Don't tiptoe around him, don't cancel plans just because of him. He has to learn that his father's romantic life doesn't revolve around his wishes. And he's 38 for goodness sake, he's not a child he's perfectly capable of understanding this.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 February 2012):
 I'm wrong as you say, sorry for adding any suggestions. You now know what the problem is, you will be able to fix it. As has been said, it can only be because the son is still grieving. I should have followed my instincts and not answered this question.
...............................
A
female
reader, Rumble +, writes (16 February 2012):
Rumble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for their advice most of which I agree with especially why is his son still at home. Miamine is the only one who has got it wrong! My partner was devoted to his wife for over 40 years and they were together constantly during her last months.Living at home, his son is very aware of this. My partner was lonely and I have taken that away from him. I have more patience and sympathy with his son and hope he will accept me and want his Dad to be happy. I would never try to take the place of his lovely Mum and deep down he knows that. It is a shame though that my partner, if he stays over, leaves early so his son won't know he has stayed with me! By the way, he does have his own living quarters (less a kitchen) in the loft.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2012):
I wasn't going to answer this one, but there is something I think the aunts have missed.You've known your partner for 30years and he now after 15months he is in a romantic relationship with you. That means you probably knew his wife before and the son or if you didn't they would have known about you, if you were a friend as you say.This is more than a case of a 38year old missing his mother. He is suspicious about you and his father, and is wondering how long you two have been romantic. Or if he isn't thinking that, he's wondering about the motives of a family friend who has got romantically involved so quickly. He may feel your taking advantage of his father's vulnerability.I'm not saying you or he have done anything wrong. But I think this may be his problem. My friend who is of a similar age but doesn't live at home has a father in the same situation. The children hate the woman and are convinced she and the father were having an affair, and this is what drove the mother to her death.You could try and reassure the son and explain that you have his father's best interest at heart and the romantic thing has just developed in a way that surprised you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I lost my Mom last year, and my biggest hope is that my Dad finds himself a new love. They were together for 50 years, but I don't want him to be alone.
I know he will always love my mom.
I think you should talk to your date and see what's up with it.
One thing that makes me wonder, why does a 38 year old person live with his parent?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2012):
 I was 35 when my mother died and my father met a woman shortly after and went on a date... 16 years later they are a couple and have been for the entire time. IT WAS HARD ON ME as it was only 3 months later... but it is a sociological fact that men that loved their wives deeply don't really know how to be alone and find new partners rather quickly... It took me a long time to be accepting of this woman but I took comfort in the fact that my father finding a new partner was a tribute to the love he felt for my mother...
I wonder why at 38 the son lives with the dad... is he not able to support himself? (I have an adult child in a group home due to mental disabilities).
I'm sorry to say that DAD has to take the bull by the horns here and tell son that it's NOT his choice if dad dates or has a life... he's very entitled to this.
Son will have to learn to get over it.
congrats on finding love.... I hope the son can get on board with everyone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Give him time to get over his loss, its a huge thing losing your Mum.15 months isn't a great deal of time.
I don't think its personal, its just how he would be with any new woman.If he's not causing direct problems with a bad attitude then just bide your time.Your partner and you are very much in love and your family are happy for you both, this will have to do for now.
As others have said, why is a 38 year old man still living at home...is there a specific reason?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Part of the son's issue is valid, he likely misses his mother and he probably feels your relationship with his father disrespects her memory.
But what stands out to me is that he's resentful of you for your shear presence, not of his father for dating you. That sounds slightly immature to me. And he lives at home at the age of 38?
Not that judging him will make you feel better, but it sounds like this is 90% his personal issue and not something you've done wrong.
As long as he's not acting out, I think you should try to let his problem not become your problem...let it roll off your back as much as possible.
...............................
A
male
reader, Pingu22 +, writes (15 February 2012):
I don't think you're doing anything wrong by carrying on with this relationship despite the son's feelings.
This man obviously wants to be with you. His son is 38 years old, and he shouldn't have to take his feelings into account anymore when deciding to be in a relationship. For a grown man to still be so emotionally dependent on his father is definitely not normal and probably not very healthy.
You say he's always friendly and polite? So you're saying he doesn't outright cause conflict and try to come between the two of you? Then I would just carry on exactly as things are. Eventually he'll simply have to accept that you're a part of his father's life now. Who knows, it may even be the prompt he needs to help him start living his own.
Again, you're doing nothing wrong, and whilst it's sweet of you to be concerned you shouldn't let that get in the way of your happiness. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life with this man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Ok, the son has lost him mother, he would not like ANYONE dating his Dad at this moment in tim (15 months) everything is still quite raw.
I too was in a similar situation to you (as in my Dad died but I was quite young) so I know how you felt there!
I don't think you need to do anything really, (his son is polite/friendly to you, he's just missing his mum probably, and seeing another female at the house is probably hard for him.
Just give him time and try to encourage Dad and son to go out together also, ya know like do they enjoy football or something? Maybe you could offer to take and collect them on a night out, so they could both bond again, have a few drinks together. Also if your sons are similar age and have any similar interests you could bring that up in conversation.
Just remember that probably one day the son will leave home and leave his Dad all alone (may his Dad could say that to him)
I would just be courteous to his son, and also have some dates/nights together at your house to and try not to be overly affectionate in front of his son for the time being. He has know you as a family friend presumably for 30 years... now you're the potential stepmother (probably step monster in his eyes at the min)-through no fault of your own!
I'm sure if your treat his Dad with love and respect, over time he will accept you and grow to like you too.
Remember the saying where there's a will, there's a way? Just take it slowly and I'm sure he'll come round eventually.
...............................
|
