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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for four years. The relationship has, so I thought, been going well, until recently.I discovered that he has been subscribing to X rated porn sites and has disclosed his phone number in order to receive explicit material on his mobile phone.I saw his last bill and a majority of the calls were premium numbers and referred to txts sent to his phone.When I confronted him I was told I was in the wrong and after days of denials that he was doing anything he comes up with the excuse that he didn't want to hurt me. He has now said that it has nothing to do with me and he will do what he wants. If I don't like it then tough!Am I right to be angry and is it right that he has this interest? It makes me feel cold and disgusted. He is not the person I thought he was.Anon
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Sharon, writes (19 January 2005): So what do you want to know?Yes if he won't discuss it, you have a right to be angry, of course you do. If he refuses to discuss it, then how can you resolve whatever the issue is? He could just be lacking something that is missing in your relationship, in which case, if you can get him to talk, then you can help sort it out. Do you know what sort of sites these are? Are they straight porn, dominatrics, ect? If you know, this may give you some insight. However, if he refuses to talk then you have to decide if the relationship is in your best interest. Don't put up with it, if there's no hope. You decide what is best for you.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 January 2005):
 Hi Anon,You're both right. You're entitled to feel disgusted by his porn addiction and disappointed that he's not the man that you believed he was.But it's also his right to indulge in his addiction to the exclusion of all else, including dismissing his girlfriend (and probably family and friends too) until he's so consumed by it that eventually he has nothing else. No telling how long it will be before the fascination with net porn starts affecting his work, or until the expense gets so high that he can't afford to eat, but it's his problem and only he can address it. No one can "fix" it for him.Including you.He's already told you in no uncertain terms what his priorities are. His porn addiction has already "won" his affections from you. Sorry dearie, there isn't any way to compete with 24-hour porn. Leave him to it, and let him realise in his own time what he gave up, just so he could enjoy masturbation in front of his computer.
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