A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner wants to get married and I am afraid of taking that step because I’m so worried about the emotional and financial consequences of being married to someone who is divorced with 2 daughters and loads of responsibilities as far as that is concerned. I get along well with the children but then again I haven’t stayed in the same house with them for longer than 2 days because we don’t live together – we might not get along so well if I lived with their father permanently. His relationship with his ex-wife is not amicable and he always seems to be short of money – he pays his maintenance and then all the inevitable extras for the girls and then he’s got next to nothing left and has to borrow money from me for fuel just so he can get to work and buy food for himself.I try to be understanding and help out as much as I can as far as my salary will allow but it’s the same thing month after month and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I don’t think it’s a good way to start a marriage but his reasoning is that we’ll sort it out as we go along and we will manage because we love each other. You may ask why I’m in the relationship in the first place – well I was younger and more naïve when we met and fell in love and you think you’re capable of anything when you’re young and in love. I thought I would be able to overcome the challenges, I just didn’t realise how hard it would be. Realisation has only come with time.The kids and ex are part of the package. I know this. I play no role there except a supportive one. I love him but I don’t want a marriage that fails because of things that are none of my business and over which I have no influence or control. Marriage is hard enough without starting at a disadvantage. I think we should wait until things get better but he’s not very happy with the idea and says that if I loved him I would want to marry him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): You sound extremely mature and thoughtful. All the reasons you gave for your hesitation sound very reasonable. If I were in your position, I wouldn't take that step either.Beyond your own reasons for hesitation, I might add that divorcees are more likely to divorce again. Statically, that's a fact.The fact that he's saying "if I loved him I would want to marry him" is a bit manipulative. And I fear he might think you are still more naive than you evidently are. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't sign up for the responsibilities of motherhood at this point in your life. It might make his life easier, but at your expense. You're at an age where you owe it to yourself to pursue your own life and future...not fill in somebody else's.Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 His reasonings are crazy. You will sort it out as you go along and because you love one another? What fantasy world does he live in?? That will not go well at all, I can promise you that. No, stick to your guns and follow your instincts on this one. You don't want to be married to him with all this instability and uncertain financial status. Either he sorts that out, fixes it up all by himself, and gives you something to feel secure about, talk it out with you BEFORE a marriage, and have everything settled... or he can forget about a wedding. Im thinking he likes to jump into things too fast, hence why he is already divorced once with a not so clear financial structure. You don't want to be a step-mum who pays for everything only to end up as his second ex-wife. This demands some heavy thinking through, and it seems you are the only sensible person in this relationship.You should marry him if you love him? What a childish statement. How old is he? Emotionally blackmailing you into marrying him? Judging his character so far I'd say you are better off without this man because these are all red flags. Stick to your guns like I said, don't do it when in doubt! This man isn't ready for marriage, HE is the one who needs to prove himself to you as a potential husband, you're not the one who has to prove anything here.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 As far as divorces with children are involved, this situation probably won't get better for a very long time. I can understand the `young and in love' thing but you haven't said anything positive about your relationship with this man. Search deep... do you really love him?It sounds like this belongs in the `too hard basket' and I'm not surprised that you are afraid of marrying him. So don't.
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