A
male
age
36-40,
*mooth86
writes:Hi, so confused and i'm a mess right now with the unbareable thought that my family could end up seporated. I will explain the story of whats led to this, and any constuctive advise i would be really greatful.I first met my girl 4 years ago and when we started we were deeply in love, she became pregnant 6months later and we had the most beautiful daughter together whom we both love v.much. Thing were great, we moved in together a few months before our daughter was born, and we was really really happy.Fast foward 1 year later, and times were becoming hard money wise. So after disscussion, we both decided that we would move back to our own parents houses, save up some money while having no rent to pay, and then move back into our own place once enough money was saved (we shared looking after our daughter, and my girlfriend would stay at mine with me around 3nights a week)About 8 months later (september last year) we moved into a big house we were both really happy with. At this time, i was under a lot of stress through work that i started to take home with me, i work for the nhs and this was when all the job cuts was being made, and i was at high risk of loosing my job. My boss also dididnt like me and made life as difficult as possible. I suppose my way of dealing with it was to switch off when i got home, and this made my girlfriend feel i wasnt paying her much attention. I remember feeling like she wasnt doing much to help me through the stressful time, and she probably didnt because she wasnt feeling much affection from me anymore. But not for 1 minute did i stop loving her, i knew we were going through a bit of a rough patch, but nothing i didnt think would last long, i thought we'd be fine. Then, around a month or so before christmas, she said she didnt know if she loved me or not anymore! This killed me to hear, we talked and she just said she felt confused and didnt know, this made me realise what i could loose here, so i made sure i pulled my finger out, and started doing my fair share around the house, and paying more attention to her. She then around a week later assured me she still loves me, and that we'll be fine. After such a shock, i was really happy again to know were ok, and this made my problems at work a lot easier to deal with.Then, we had a great christmas, dinner at her mums house, then my mums. Me, my girl and my daughter.Had new year, then january came, still in our home, and we was both hit with somthing that was awful, our house got burgled while we was asleep upstairs! Broke threw the window, and stole the car, tv, ps3, handbag and other stuff, oviously this really shook us up, and a time we really needed each other. 4 days later, with us both still off work to recover from this event, she was really stuggling to sleep at night with fear, so i left her in bed in the afternoon to sleep. With us recieving calls from the police, insurance companys ect. i took my partners phone downstairs with me so if it went off, it wouldnt disterb her. Then i had the biggest dagger stabbed into my heart. Her phone buzzed with a facebook message, just a long line of kisses. This killed me, my whole world fell appart. I rushed up stairs, and asked whats this! She came clean, and told me she had been seeing this guy from work. I couldnt believe it, she swore she had only met up with him once the week before, and i know thats true as i tortured myself by reading all the messages. She said all she wanted was me, i told her i would stay with her, call this guy while i'm with you and call it off and she did. As you can imagine i was absolutely devastated. and all felt to much to take in. Later that same night, she did somthing stupid. She pored boiling water over her arm, as a way of punishing herself for what she's done. As u can imagine, this didnt help. In bits, and as sad as it is. All thismade me realise was how much i didnt want to loose her, shes the love of my life and we have a child together, and it would kill me for her to grow up in one of the so many broken familys out there. We decided we would have a fresh start and move on, but this was easier said than done, i couldnt understand why she did it, and she said it was because i wasnt showing her any affection, and he was. I was so gutted and in a real dark place. I was v.depressed. I went to the docs, got signed off for 6 weeks, and given anti depressants (that i stupidly didnt take) it was hard to try and rebuild us, and i told her i was going to need time to move on from it.Times were not to great after this, and it was hard to show her the affection she needed with this still so fresh in my head. I was also stuggling to do my fair share of the housework. (not in regards to our daughter tho, i've always been a great dad). I was finding it hard to pull myself out of bed in a morning.The end of march came, and we moved into another rented address, (bad memorys at the old house) i was still hurting, but felt like i was beginning to get over it slowly. Things started to feel like they was getting better between us. Then it came may, i had a stag do for 4nights in amsterdam. I missed them both like crazy, and it gave me the time to reflect on the whole thing, and i realised what i wanted. To make us work no matter what, and for us to be the family we both want us to be. I came home with a more possitive attitude about us. I still wasnt over it properly tho, knew it would take more time. Then june. Fathers day. Each day feeling better than the last. I get my card off my daughter while in bed. Really happy. Then, my partner went to the bathroom, phone left on the table. It buzzed, so i picked it up for her, and when i saw who the message was from, my world fell appart yet again. It was him. heartbroken, i confronted her with it, and her face said it all. After another long disscussion, she said she was ending it with him, and she doesnt even know who she is anymore to even be doing this. She went to work the next day, and told him to leave her alone for good. (he had been pestering and pestering her for months) we had a huge row a few nights before, and thats what she said made her do it, she regreted it big time, and was tierd of hearing me telling her we'd be fine and i'm over it, only then to ask a 100 questions and knock her down all the time for what she's done ( i dont mean physiclly) she needed to escape, and instead of telling me she felt this way (because she felt she had no right to) she said it was her way of putting the nail in the coffin in our relationship. She was so confused, she said she doesnt even want him, and she's so screwed up she wanted to be on her own, and its almost like her guilt drove her to go n do it again. But, i love the girl, so i said i would give her one last chance, but if it happens again, its over. and by her being on her own, i would call it a day. I said i wouldnt do a break, if thats what she wants its over (i said this out of fear of loosing her, which probably made her feel a bit trapped looking back) we then had the best 3 weeks together than we have had in a long time, and things for us really seemed to be looking up. However, i still had my resentment, not knowing how she could do this again, and things went from bad to worse. I became fixated on it, i made her remove her facebook (i'm not on it), i no longer had any trust, and i constantly wanted answers that she'd already told me a thousand times over, probably daily for a good few months. I would check her phone all the time whenever i could, Reading anything sent/recieved to anyone, and storming over asking her whats this or that about, even if it was somthing n nothing to 1 of her girlfriends. I was so parranoid, that if she's done it a second time, how do i know there wont be a third. A big part of not letting go was the constant reminder of it aswel, as i would always see his car parked up when dripping her off at work evrymorning. I'd have my brain running in overdrive, constantly messeging my partner at work, asking if he's tried talking to her, who did you go on your dinner with? Ect, ect, ect. This happened daily, and my girlfriend said she didnt mind, as she could completly understand why i was feeling this parranoid after what she's done, so i kinda felt it was ok to keep asking her any silly thought that went through my mind as constant re-assurance. I somehow stangely thought it would show her how much i cared. This carried on for months, and she did nothing to suggest there was somthing going on, and constantly proved it and re-assured me. I clearly wasnt over it by any means. She'd prove to me i had nothing to worry about, i'd be ok for a day or 2, then bam back to parronoid questions n still checking her phone. Not once did i find anything ( and nothing had been deleted) Then i got to the point about 6 weeks ago, i would tell her after another argument or me quizzing her again, that its gunna be the end of it now, i'm not gunna trip out over it anymore, and that if she's gunna cheat again, she's gunna do it, me checking n being parroniod wont change that. Saying this to her, it was how i felt, but give it another few days n i'd ask questions or quiz her again, we'd talk n sort it, then few days later i look at her phone. This was getting tedious for the both of us. The amount of times when we'd talk after one of these silly events we'd agree that "this will be are new start" but then i'd get parroniod again and put us back at squire 1. We'd both always feel we were making progress as time would be great again with us, inbetwen all of my actions.Then, last week on thursday. Her grandma had died the week before (she was with her at the time) her funeral was on the wednesday, and we attended together (i helped carry the coffin) and i just wanted to make sure i was there for her, which i was. Then, the next day dropping her off at work, i'd see him leaving his car to walk into work at the same time. And of course, my parraniod thoughts and questioning returned. Again she re-assured me, but i could sence she was loosing paitance with me. This then made me think, i've got to stop doing this now, its getting to much for her. She said we need to talk tonight. I didnt think it was gunna be as bad as it was.We got home that night, i bought her some flowers and made us a nice candle lit dinner as my way of saying sorry for being an idiot. We had a nice time, but when finished she said we still need to talk. She sat me down, and told me she's at breaking point, and at the cliff edge of leaving me, as she cant carry on like this, she said her grandma dieing, has had a big impact on her and made her realise that lifes to short, this isnt healthy for me, her or our daughter in the long run (our child never saw us arguing tho). This shuck me to my bones, as i realised i've been worrying about the wrong thing all along. Instead of worrying about this obsession that somthing is, or going to happen again, i should of been worrying that all this behaviour was doing nothing but push her away. and that was my wakeup call. It was the kick up the arse i needed to get over it, which i feel it has, i just wish i'd have had that a lot sooner before all this damage was caused. I can now honestly say that i am now over it, and i've told her this but she doesnt believe me with how many hickups theres been. I've attempted to show her exactly what she means to me, by sending her flowers to work ect which she loves, (that was last friday) i realised i needed to show her exactly what i want in life, and to do what i've wanted to do for so long but havnt with all the problems going on, i called my mum, and asked her to help me get an engadgement ring. Booked us a 5star hotel in the lakes for our 4 year annaversery (oct 17th) and planned a romantic midnight walk along the lake and then pop the question! I was so exited, as i knew that now my head was over all the events thats happened, now was the time for me to concentrate on getting her head sorted, and i thought by doing this, she would see that i'm truly over our bad times, and that i'm fully commited to us and our future together. I was counting down the days with joy, and was happy for the first time in a long time that this heavy cloud that hung over me for so long had gone. We was also starting to look around for a new house last sunday as we were getting fed up wirh the lack of room in our current house. Things looking up!Then Tuesday, and she told me she couldnt do it anymore, as she doesnt know if we have a future as to much has happened. Knife in the heart for me, as i've only put myself through all this hell for the last 9 months coz i love her so much and wanted to get through it together. She feels that the spark has gone between us (hardly suppising with how the last 9+ months have been) she doesnt think i will ever get over what she did, and i always slip into old ways in regards to doing things round the house, and its clear theres no trust. I've pleaded with her to believe me that i am over it, and that the effect her grandma's death had on her, the same has happened to me wirh the realisation that i could actually loose her over this, that i've never had before. She wants us to have a break, but because from previous disscussions and i said i wouldnt do that, she felt she had to call it a day. I never want to loose my family, so i told her i'll do what ever it takes to sort us out so i've agreed. She said that she's felt she needed to be on her own for ages now, she still wrapped up with guilt from what she did, (hardly supprising with me being the way i have reminding her all the time) and is stuggling to move on from it, so needs time apart to sort out her head, re-evalutate us and doesnt know if that spark between us can return. This whole thing has made the both of us ill, we've both lost weight and she has a anxity rash all up her back. She says we are not over yet, just needs time to concentrate on herself, our daughter, her studys and friends for a bit to help clear her mind. She is adoment n i believe her that this has nothing to do with anyone else, n nothing to do with going out and meeting someone new, shes not intrested in that at all. We'll still see eachother regularly, and remain boyfriend and girlfriend threwout this until a decison is made, i've told her what my plan was for our annaversery but this has prob screwed her head up more. I love her so much and i'm terrified i may end up loosing her over this, we havnt arranged which one of us is going to leave yet, as i dont know what to do? Do i leave her in the family home, n i can move back to my mums for a bit? Or do i make her go, as she's the 1 that wants space. She cannot go to her mums, so this would mean renting another house for herself and our daughter when she has her, but obviously this is gunna have even more pressure on the whole thing due to the strain on money. I cant help but also fear, that this will make less chance of us being together again, as it will be like HER new house and new start, n may put the writing on the wall. She'll be in her place thinking of all the negatives, and not what we could have with our new start. Also a big part, is Whoever leaves our daughter is going to think that that person is the one thats left us, and this is going to break her heart as she loves her mummy n daddy dearly. I've asked how long she thinks she will need and she really doesnt know. Could be a few weeks, or a few months, but would like to think she would know before christmas. As we'll still see each other most days of the week, were not gunna let our daughter know any different during this until we know for definate what the final decision is.Its clear to me shes really confused, as she wants this break, tells me she does still love me, just that the spark has gone, she doesnt know if i will change, and if i will ever truely trust her again. Like i say we still havnt sorted who's leaving, or how, so any advise on that would be great. Also were going out on a date tonight, and we have a wedding to go to next week that today she booked us a hotel for the weekend. We are also going to the trafford centre on sunday. So i'm confused, because also, and i know people wont agree with this, but ever since the end of last year we said we would have another child at some point, she's on the injection, thats due next week, and we planned a while back that she wouldnt have it when it was due in october. If she wasnt to take it, it could still take months for it to clear from her system until she was able to become pregnant again. But i asked her this morning if she was going to have it, and she said she didnt think so. So all these things makes me think she can see us with a future, and is all this maybe a big kick up the bum she thinks i need for us to be happy? I dont know, all i do know is, that i love every hair on that girls body, and this week with whats going on has been 10x more painful than anything thats happened between us in the past. I want to marry, and spend the rest of our lifes together happy with everything behind us, whats happened in the past, stays in the past, never to be gone over again, a true fresh clean start, clean slate. and a happy life as a family. She's said herself that she does think this is fixable, but only with this break to clear her head. I'm despoate for this not to happen, as i feel it may do more harm than good, and i just dont want to loose her! For mine and our daughters sake!Please help me, i've never been so desporate about anything, i'm not religous, but i've been praying every night that she'l ether change her mind, or we will be together after our break. Please advise me what i should do, as i honesly dont know how i'll be able to go on without her, and i cant be that way because i need to be there for my daughter, but its the truth n i know this will distroy me. Any constuctive advise would be really appriciated.Thankyou.
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move on, a break, at work, christmas, facebook, flowers, heartbroken, her ex, money, move on, moved in, my boss, spark, stag , trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): What a lot of text!To summarise, you've been with your partner for 4 years. You have a child with her. You've had ups and downs throughout your time together. In January this year you found out that she'd been seeing someone from work. You fought about it, agreed to move past it, but you couldn't let it go. In June you found out that she was still involved with him. You fought again and now she wants time apart.My advice, you are never going to trust her again. You will continue to snoop. Every time she gets a call/text or leaves the house you will wonder what she's up to. If there is no trust there is no relationship. However much you both try to hide it, your daughter will pick up on what's going on around her. I think too much has happened and it's time for you both to move on on your own.
A
male
reader, lost cartographer  +, writes (2 October 2012):
You may be praying but I am affraid you are praying for the wrong thing.I would be praying that you have the strength and fortitude to be your own person and move on. Think back and recognise what advice you would give someone in your situation. You cant fix trust issues. You can either undergo a huge amount of pain upfront, or have years of slightly less pain in the future. I was in a similar position and I took the later. Please do not make my mistake. Mistrust and suspicion can become a part of you if you let it. Instead realise that the past should not govern your future and there is a redemptive power in letting go moving on and making that decision.Believe me your daughter is the important one in this, and although you dont argue while she is around she will pick up on it. Be the man you would be proud of being to be and move on. Do not listen to the voices in your head making excuses for your wife. These will only lead you down the garden path. You are not the first and you are not the last that this has happened to. Do not be embarrassed and do not feel like you have to sell your soul to keep this relationship alive.In a year or two you will wonder why you found this decision so hard.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): #1. Nobody is going to read that entire book you wrote.
#2. There are two kinds of breaks, the ones where you are allowed to see other people and the ones where you are still exclusive to each other. DO NOT assume she won't see others just because you don't intend to. You aren't the one who wants the break in the first place. Whatever the boundaries of the break are, they need to be spelled out loud to each other before it starts. If she wants the option of seeing other people then you had better assume she will do exactly that.
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