A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for 5 years. We met at uni.It's a long distance relationship but we are planning in moving in together this year.We are both each other's first sexual partners. I was in a long term relationship before but never had intercourse. He hadn't dated anyone before me, and had only kissed people.Basically, a few little bits have happened during the years, the first was 2011 where I found out he had been heavily flirting with his best friend (female) via Facebook. We know each other's views and boundaries etc.Recently he went out with work colleagues and visited a strip club. He knew I absolutely hate this. We are both going through a lot of personal stresses... He is very unhappy at work and depressed. And my brother is currently on a psychiatric ward. He tackles his unhappiness by surrounding himself with sexual things or environments as he has told me this calms him down and makes him happy. I've told him I'm not happy with this. He has said he has itches that need scratching, for want of a better term. We have had huge conversations about the idea of compromising but I can't do it. I can't physically or emotionally cope with him having sexual contact at any level with others. I can't cope with him flirting with girls online or discussing fantasies etc. and I'm not ok with him going to strip clubs.He says he loves me and wants to be with forever...marriage kids etc. but that he has these itches where he just wants to sleep with other women. And that it's "just sex". Or visit clubs to just watch. Or discuss fantasies with other ppl online, that he can't necessarily carry out with me etc. He says he doesn't necessarily have to act on them but doesn't know how to make them go away or stop himself resenting me for stopping him. Neither of us want to split up but I can't stay in this relationship knowing he wants or needs more than just me.
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female
reader, kittykatt131313  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 ask him what itches he has exactly and try to fulfill them yourself and if he is hoping to bed another lady, get involved make it a sexy threesome! but lay down ground rules. don't just let him go off and sleep with other ladies without you! make it a rule that you both get to be involved when it comes to an third party in the bedroom and. make sure that you both always get tested. but just ask him what he wants and try your best to give it to him like he has always wanted!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): OK, say you decide to stick with him and allow him to go off and have sex with others to get it out of his sytem, having him come back to you, will raise so much insecurity. You might wonder if his experiences are better or the women hotter etc. Plus if you do end up moving in and marrying, do you think that's going to stop him looking and acting out his fantasies with others? For a while he might be faithful, but if he gets urges and desires again, he's not going to let them pass by without doing something about it. If you allow him to go off and do what he wants, you are on a slippery slope of distrust, insecurity and heartache. He is not ready to settle down, but wants to keep you on the side so when he may be ready, he can come back to you. It doesn't work lime that, you need to let this disrespectful idiot go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 I agree with all the other Aunts and uncles.
I've done LDR with my current husband and we were apart a lot and NEITHER of us wanted to 'scratch that itch' with anyone else.
I come from an open marriage prior to this one. I have no issues with folks having open relationships as long as they both want it for the right reasons.
YOU don't want it. HE does NOT respect you at all. And even though he says "it's just sex" the fact is then it's just sex with you too... you are just another way for him to scratch his self-serving itch.
If he loved you and respected you he would not dismiss your feelings, your needs or your wants. He would do EVERYTHING in his power to make you happy.
SO:
his words say he loves you
his actions say he loves only himself
his words say he respects you
his actions say he does not.
Sadly if he gets away with this now, once you are together full time he will continue to do it as he knows you have accepted it thus far. IF you think once you are together full time this will stop it will NOT.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): Time to split up then.
He's basically told you he has itches you can't scratch, in other words you're not enough for him. He does not want to spend the rest of his life only ever having had you.
I mean seriously, OP, how long do you think he can hold out with just things like porn or strip clubs.
He truly feels he's missing out on life. You deserve better than that and frankly, OP so does he.
He's basically told you being with you is like being in prison, looking out of the window at the things he can't have.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (19 February 2014):
 You have your boundaries and, please, stick to them. He is disrespecting you by trying to push your boundaries again and again, then manipulating you by saying he resents you.
It is sad that your boyfriend claims to have met the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but yet that isn't enough for him.
If he's depressed he should go and talk to a doctor, not seek comfort from sexual release with other women. That really is a very poor excuse.
He's your first love, you've been together a long time, and of course you don't want to split up with him, but what's the alternative?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2014):
 He is promising the "world" to you, saying ALL the things you WANT to HEAR, so that you will agree to him doing what he wants. And what he wants is to have sex with whomever is willing and has a pulse, then go "home" to you.
You say you don't want to break up - so honey that leave you with one option (which is HUGELY unrealistic) and that is to SUCK it up and stay with a guy who isn't willing to be faithful because HIS sexual urges is MORE important to him then being faithful to you.
Sorry, you are fooling yourself if you think YOU loving him will "fix" his urges or make him want to stop. And you are fooling yourself if you think moving in together, marriage will CHANGE how he feels.
If I were you, I'd let him go, set him free to be single and screw around, and YOU to be free to meet a guy who JUST wants you, not every available vagina.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2014):
 P.S. He already resents you. This guy does not want to be monogamous.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 February 2014):
 If he wants to have sex with other people, let him. Tell him not to come back while he's at it.
If this guy wanted to be with you for the rest of his life, thoughts like this wouldn't even cross his mind.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2014):
If he's unhappy and sex with other women is his self-prescribed therapy, then you are in for one miserable life with him. Especially as he's already essentially blamed you for setting him up to resent you. Riiiiighhhttt….. like it's your fault he wants to cheat.
I would say that you deserve better, no?
I seriously would run for this hills, end it, and start the mourning process of a breakup.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): He's being incredibly selfish and manipulative. The problem is now construed as you not being able to compromise when really what he is asking is way beyond the scope of what any committed couple consider. The real problem is that he is unhappy or he is disatisfied but with you as a safety net.
Say no to what you are not comfortable with and I would advise leaving him.
His 'itch' is unlikely to go away without a scratch. If he can't scratch openly, then he'll do it in secret. Or at least you will always wonder if he is secretly scratching. Or if he doesn't scratch, he'll resent you and your relationship for tying him down.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 February 2014):
I am your boyfriend, and I love you and want you forever. But I need to sexually explore the world at the same time. So stick around baby, because after I screw the world, we will get married and have kids…isn’t that awesome??
Let me now more get blunt…You when to Uni so you are a smart woman. What are we missing? Oh yes…A broken heart, all men are dogs, because I saw this coming a miles away, and did what??? If this is your idea of a future husband…then all the best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 What he is doing is cheating, he has simply wrapped it all up in pretty paper and called it something else in an effort to bamboozle you.
Either you will accept his behaviour, or you will not. It is your choice, for me most of his actions would be a deal breaker.
You already know the answer, this is what you said: "I can't stay in this relationship knowing he wants or needs more than just me. "
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