A
female
age
41-50,
*anry121
writes:Hi:) My dilemma is a bit complicated but here goes! I was on my partner's PC looking for pics of a family holiday we had recently had. While looking for the folder they were in I came across a folder full of poetry and short stories he had written. Among these were poems written for every one of his past girlfriends but nothing for me! The most recent was 3 months before we met. I have been with him for 3 years and we have a 7 month old daughter together and a 14 year old son (mine from a previous relationship). I was hurt that I didn't know this side of him ie: that he wrote, and also that his exes inspired him to immortalise them but there was absolutely no mention of me - the supposed love of his life, soulmate and best friend! I asked him about this and he shrugged it off by saying that he had nothing better to do before I came into his life and that he had 'grown up' since then (some had been written years ago). Also that I was in his heart so why would he need to write it down? Anyway, he said he would delete them but I said no as this was an important part of him that I would have liked to have known about but didn't, that was the hurt. The next day he came and told me that he had deleted everything from his PC that he thought would 'upset' me. I was intrigued by this and confess that I snooped to see what he thought may upset me. I looked at the documents he had viewed most recently and noted that he had deleted the entire poetry folder (this is sad as he had written some good pieces), he had also looked at something else but not deleted them. When I opened it up it was a nude photo of a one-night stand he had when he was in Las Vegas for a friend's wedding, he had also viewed and kept a close-up shot of her face. This had happened before we met but I felt sick when I saw them and for the fact that he had viewed them the previous day and decided to keep them - so much for deleting everything he thought would upset me! I confronted him and told him he had been disrespectful to me and that I couldn't be with a man who would do this to me and that I was leaving. He became very upset and begged me not to leave, that he loved me more than words, that he needed me and the kids as we are the most important things in his life and that it wouldn't be worth anything without us etc. I advised him that the fact he had viewed the nude pic and made the decision to keep it spoke volumes to me. I also reminded him that he has no pics of me like this or even fully clothed for that matter! He has no personal pics of me on his phone, his PC, in his wallet. He said he kept it because it reminded him of the 'wild time' he had in Vegas and that a one night stand wasn't the 'norm' for him. He also said he wouldn't have taken a pic of me like this as it was degrading. He said he wasn't thinking when he decided to keep it. I asked if it turned him on, if he found her more attractive etc. but he swore this was not the case. He also said that he didn't realise that being with me meant getting rid of every aspect of his past. I told him that if it was things like that then yes he did have to get rid of it or no more me. I have tried to convey the hurt I feel but he doesn't seem to fully understand and says he would have forgiven me in an instant if roles were reversed. The trouble is I can't seem to manage to do this and I am starting to obsess over it, wondering why he wanted to keep them, why he never thought me important enough to write about or why he hasn't got any 'special' pics of me (clothed or unclothed!) He had a folder of pics of another ex when we first moved in together but these seem to have disappeared, he said he burnt them. I'm not sure what to make of it all and would love to hear other peoples opinions, even if you do think I'm acting like a fruit loop about it!! Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Danry121 +, writes (24 February 2009):
Danry121 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who took the time to help me. I realised before posting my question that I was perhaps acting unreasonably but sometimes life isn't as clear-cut as 'getting a grip'! It can be necessary to have others put things into perspective for you. I don't have anyone in my life that I trusted enough to talk to about this and it took a lot to post on this site but I'm glad I did. Thanks again, it is much appreciated x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Babes, youre crying because you want the man he was. That man was a young boy who wrote poetry, and loved with a boys heart. This is a man who would have a wild night stand and take pictures of strange women. That's the man he was, not the man he is.Our past makes us what we are. He's done all that crap, it was unfulfilling, it made him smile, but it didn't make him happy like you and the kids do. For you he would walk miles without water. He does everything you ask, you want him to get rid of his memories and this is not possible. Don't you keep things from the past. Old birthday cards, photographs, dresses you never wear. What do these things mean to you, do you look at them everyday and think about them when your feeding the kids. You want to own this man, his thoughts, his memories and get inside his head. But that is not possible. He didn't tell you about those things, because he is too busy with everyday to think about things in the past.Those past memories are not for now. He doesn't think about them, and that's why he didn't remember they were there. Those things are for when he is old and grey. When he is no longer sexy, when his knees hurt and he's on his hospital bed. If you want poems, if you want romance, then ask him for it. Show him romance, take sexy pictures, create new memories for him in the present right now. At the moment, he is giving you 100x more than you are giving him. Because of some old stuff that he hardly remembers, you are willing to destroy his life and the life of your kids.This man loves you, but do you love him? You would leave him because he keeps some pictures and some poetry. What kind of love is that?I suggest you go and apologise on bended knee, and tell him your glad that he is the man he is.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 I personally agree with TalkingHelps, but just not quite as harshly. I don't think that you're a drama queen, per se, but I do think that you overreacted. Personally, I keep all those keepsakes and memories too. It is a shame he deleted that poetry - don't be surprised if you come across copies someday, people can be tricky like that.
Does he love you? Has he given you years of a good, solid relationship? Has he been loyal to you, a good father to your children? These are the things that really matter, not ancient memories of women of the past. It seems to me, that if he wanted them more than you, he would have committed to them...
As for why he doesn't have anything of YOU, well maybe he thinks you're classier than that. Or maybe he hasn't written in a long time (I can sympathize with writers block, it's a killer). There could be lots of reasons, but maybe you should do as KC100 suggests and get some sexy shots of you done, or maybe write HIM some poetry. Or, just tell him that you want him to write you something... he can start a new collection of memories with you.
Good luck, sweetness!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): WOW talkinghelps that was no help what so ever. Please try to refrain from beating people down and actually try to see their point of view and help them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): DRAMA QUEEN. THis dude loves you! and you just threw a fit and said you were leaving. Stop playing with his and ur kids lives like it's a game over sum stupid photo
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 February 2009):
 I can understand why he may have written the poetry and none about you - generally the best poems come when you are young and full of angst, or when there has been heartbreak and pain. So if he is happy with you then there may have been nothing for him to need to express in words (like he said, he has you in his heart).
But the picture thing I cant understand, memories like that should really be in the mind rather than on your PC! But I dont think it is something you should leave him over, you have a child together and it is worth working on the relationship becuase of the children.
While it is not acceptable for him to have pictures like this and you have every right to be upset, I dont think it is worth ending the relationship. You need to sit down and talk to him - explain how it has made you feel. If this doesnt work, try relationship councilling.
Get some nice photos done of yourself and tuck one into his wallet one day, or put them onto his computer. There are ways of putting more reminders of you into his life; but remember, he gets to see you every day and is reminded every day of how lucky he is to have you. These other girls mean nothing to him because you are the one he has chosen to be with!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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