A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend been together for over 9 years, only couple of days ago she dropped a bomb shell on me saying she’s been cheating on me with my best friend, my heart sunk, I was heart broken to be hearing this. We met in 2009 till now we still together in 2018. The affair started in 2013-2018 which is over 5 years. I don’t know what to think or to say to her she’s confessed everything to me about the affair such as time, places, when and where like on my birthday or her my house or hers, I asked why she’s doing this to me and what did I do to her to treat me that way, as I have been a loving caring boyfriend always supported her, and she lives with me in my house, no kids, she tells me its all her fault, she didn’t intend to hurt me in any way she’s says she’s remorseful and she couldn’t go on with the lies anymore and it was just sex with him, it didn’t mean anything I can’t tell u guys how I’m feeling right now as I have not drank or ate in 3 days. They even went so far as to involve both my SISTER and MOTHER into aiding them in hiding this 5 year affair with my girlfriend. We have been together for 9 years
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): Code Warrior nailed. Exactly.
This will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. But you must do it.
5 years with your best friend? That is a deal breaker. Never mind if you want to make things work out or not, things cannot work out anymore. If you take her back then you have shown that she can disrespect you in the worst way imaginable and still get taken back. That means you have zero power in the relationship from now on. She does not risk losing you no matter how badly she acts. This is poisonous for a relationship even if neither of you wants it to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): JUST SEX after 5 years???
That's pure bullshit.
She's just trying to minimize the damage.
I don't know of many people who could carry on a relationship for 5 years and have no feelings for the other person.
She's a liar. And she's lying about that too.
As for your mom and sister keeping something like this from you, take it with a grain of salt until you confront them about it.
If it turns out to be true, sorry to say that as accomplices they are just as guilty as your ex GF.
I'm not sure what the hell was in their heads? A few loose screws? A lack of empathy or compassion?
You know what? Yes, the truth hurts. But what hurts even more are lies. And keeping secrets. Being protective would mean telling the truth so that you know what has been going on behind your back without wasting a single minute more on a big, fat cover-up of lies and deception.
Your family seems to have sided with your ex over YOU. This can't make you feel very good.
I don't get why if she was unhappy enough to cheat didn't she just leave? She gave up on you 5 years ago.
I would definitely be cutting contact with my family if they did that to me, right after cutting contact with my sleazy cheating partner.
People need to learn the hard way that there are consequences to their actions.
I'm sorry this happened to you. There are few things worse in this world to ever go through. Hang in there. It will get better in time. And don't ever blame yourself. She made a conscious choice everyday for 5 years to have sex with another man. That is no mistake. Itlo's a premeditated choice that is repeated and reaffirmed time and again. No looking back after that. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): Why would they assist your gf in hiding the affair? What was in it for them? Were they SURE that there was an affair, or did they perhaps hope that it wasn't an actual affair and look the other way?
If it is how you describe it doesn't sound good. Not sure how you can talk to any of them after this. I think this will take some years of therapy especially about your sister and mom, because eventually you will have to try to forgive them to some extent and try to understand what motivated them? Or maybe not forgive them but accept them for what they are, which seems to be cold and unthinking creatures. But perhaps don't address the mom and sister just now. Just focus on YOU, making new friends, getting through this difficult time by any means necessary (within reason). You are strong and you can do it.
Good news is she was just a girlfriend, not a wife, so you dodged a bullet. I believe in karma and she will get hers in life sometime. So will your no-good friend. Keep being a good person and you will find a wonderful woman who will treat you right and raise a family with you. You are still young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just got a rotten diseased fish this pick.
Good things usually come after a spell of terrible events. Just hold on and things will get better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tbought Id clear it up. They assisted her in hiding it from me the whole time it was happening.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Who is it you want to approach?
Your GF and ex-best friend or mom and sister?
If it's the first? I'd only talk to the soon-to-be ex GF to notify her she is out on her ass. I don't think the relationship is salvageable. I think your GF messed that up 5 years ago when she decided that cheating on you was OK. I would not take the time to listen to any more of her excuses. What's the point? Other than to compound the hurt you already feel.
The ex-best friend? Wouldn't talk to him at all. I'd block him on everything and totally cut him off. I'd considering him "dead" to me.
Your mom and sister, it's a bit harder because I DO think your GF is USING the fact that they knew too so make herself look "less bad". Like Aunty BimBim said, talk to your mom, just remember your mom didn't MAKE her do the cheating - you mom was probably hoping she was protecting you. I know that doesn't make logical sense, but just talk to her. And if you need to, express that you would rather she had told you as soon as she found out. But don't take the DRAMA and DECEIT your GF created out on your mom/sister.
One step at the time. One day at the time.
Get it over with so you can start healing.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 hi OP
approach your mother first, if your relationship to date has been okay assume your ex girlfriend has spoken with forked tongue and is possibly misrepresenting your mother and sister.
They may have been concerned about talking about the affair for a number of reasons, the first one that comes to my mind is that we often shoot the messenger if they bring a message we don't like.
Tell your mother you and the girlfriend have split up, due to her ongoing 5 year relationship with your friend. Give your mother a chance to speak, or not. Its possibly she will be so relieved to hear the news that she might not want to make it worse by telling of her knowledge or suspicions. Then you can insert into the conversation that your ex girlfriend said she (your mother) and your sister knew and helped hide the affair. This will give your mother a chance to talk, hopefully your relationship with family members will survive. Not knowing the dynamics of your family, or how you usually relate to each other I think that once you've opened up the conversation you should play it by ear.
Let us know how you go
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 Jeez, that's rough man, I'm really sorry to hear you've got so many sleazy backstabbing people in your life.
First things first, kick the GF out, block her contact on everything. Same with the ex best friend and I'd be having serious words with my mother and sister letting them know exactly how disappointed you are in them for betraying your trust.
It will be hard to get over something like this there's no denying that, you may possibly need to seek help from a therapist, but you willl get there. Keep yourself busy and look forwards to the future. Be glad to drop this dead weight from your life and know in the back of your mind that an honest and good woman is out there for you that you will find one day.
Don't let these people worm their way back into your life, they have betrayed you in the biggest possible way and are absolutely no good for your wellbeing.
Good luck for the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow to approach them
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2018):
I agree with Auntie BimBim,
If it was ONLY sex, then why did it last 5 years and WHY is she telling you this NOW? What is her reasoning for that? Because if she tells you that she no longer could do this to you, she is full of crap.
She didn't tell you for YOUR sake. Either to assuage her OWN guilt or because the other guy dumped her or someone threatened to tell you. She probably thought by telling you you would put the blame on your friend (whom I might add is a scumbag too.) And she is also SPREADING the guilt to your mom and sister... Classy lady!
OP, you have to decide if this is OK or not. I wouldn't really CARE if she felt remorse or not. 5 years of lies and deceit would be a total deal breaker and I'd kick her out on her bum in 3 seconds flat. If someone is capable of this for 5!!! years, what else is she lying about and when will she do it again? (that would be my line of thinking).
Sorry, there is NO way I'd continue with someone who did this to me. I'd TAKE the pain and work through it but WITHOUT her in my life. Being cheated on, lied to and disrespected hurts, a lot - but over time it will bade to a bad memory.
And then you get your ducks in a row, like Auntie BIMBIM advised. SEPARATE any bills, and shared finances. If she has had access to your bank info, make sure she is removed, REDO ALL passwords as well, from Netflix to bank accounts/pin numbers etc. Make sure you have ALL your important documents (passport/birth certificate/degrees and whatever else and keep them in a safe place away from the home until she is OUT. That way she can't use them. Also make sure to have her removed from the address in the postal system. Have her Fill out a moving card.
Where she goes is NOT your problem. I'd tell her to just GTFO. Unfortunately in some states IF she has received MAIL at your address it is her "official" residence you HAVE to actually file to evict her. So, talk to city hall before telling her to get out. Make sure you do it all legally.
Do get some moving boxes and have her pack her crap.
And DO talk to your sister and mom. While they MAY have "helped" her in hopes it was a passing fancy or because THEY didn't want to be the messenger (you know, the term "don't shoot the messenger") I'd would tell them this is unacceptable but BOTTOM LINE the CULPRIT here is your (hopefully) soon-to-be ex GF. (and scumbag "friend")
I think, and I speak for experience, that the SOONER you get RID of her, the sooner you can start working through the emotions, the grief and moving on.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
Chin up, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 January 2018):
Why tell you now, after five years? Did your former friend dump her? How did your mother and sister help them cover up the affair .... that seems a little odd.
You need to decide what you want .... it will be very hard to trust her again after five years of lies and deceit, personally I wouldn't want to lay eyes on either of the ever again.
Your first port of call needs to be to protect yourself legally, if you share any ban accounts, credit cards or other assets close them down immediately or put a hold on them. Seek legal advise with regard to any claim she may make on your house.
Then get in some packing cases/boxes so she can pack up her stuff to move out, if she asks where to tell her that's not your problem, if you feel charitable you could pay for a truck to take her stuff to your former best friend's house.
Go no contact with your former best friend, whatever the reasons for her confession or him being such a bad friend you no longer matter, but after five years of sex she can be his problem now.
Sort out the practical stuff and then deal with the emotional fall out ... including having a serious chat with your mother and sister about their alleged involvement in covering up. Remind yourself your (now ex) girlfriend may be stretching the truth with regards to your family in an effort to get you to focus on the family's betrayal rather than hers.
You are going to be hurt for some time to come, just work through the pain, one foot in front of the other until you come out the other side.
It does get better eventually.
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