A
male
age
36-40,
*ustaGuy
writes:hey all,Me and my ex dated before the summer, she broke up with me before she went home. The breakup was very sudden and out of the blue for me, she told me she didnt want to be in a relationship and needed space. So she returned the other day and we got chatting on msn. We had'nt spoken for about 3 months and it was nice to hear from her again. She asked if she could visit me and i agreed. On the surface I was playing it cool, but deep down I was hoping that this might be a chance at us getting back together. So we met up at the staion and went to mine, we had a few drinks and we started taking about 'us'. She asked if i had been with anyone over the summer and truthfully I replied no, she then told me of her 2 one night stands, she said it so casually it really hurt. SHe told me she does'nt want any kind of relationship and enjoys be able to sleep with who she chooses - fair enough I said. So the evening wore on and we had a few drinks and ended up kissing and she stayed the night. To cut a weird conversation short she ended up saying she wanted to remain friends and be able to have 'fun' whenever we meet. Now I feel crushed, right back to square one, truthfully i was never fully over her during the summer months and was hoping she would realise her mistake and come back to me. I told her its hard for me to remain friends, and for the moment i still see her as more. She says she still loves me and that I'm special, but I feel a bit used really, how can she say that but yet be willing to sleep around. She even said it would'nt bother her if she saw me kissing another girl, which just makes me think that i could'nt have meant that much in the first place. I'm so confused, she says i'm welcome to vist her on a 'friends only' basis whenever i want. I feel angry that she is so casuall about hurting my feelings but i also miss her and it hurts me to think of her with other men. I told her that it would probably be easier to cut her out of my life and move on but she told me not to be selfish! I'm not sure i could bring myself to do it anyway. Part of me thinks that i could do the casual relationship thing, but i fear that I would be stuck in a loop of heartbreak everytime I 'left in the morning'.I've just had to say goodbye a second time and although it hurts less i still miss her and feel lonely. I dont know what to do, I still love her and she says the same, thats whats kills me! I not sure what i should be feeling right now, or what to do?
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broke up, crush, kissing, move on, msn, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Oh, I know, it does hurt so much to love someone that doesn’t seem to love you back. I understand how hurtful it must be for you that she seems to just want you as a casual fling now. It is actually rather weird she is doing that. To me it even sounds rather heartless to not leave you be. Maybe she has gone through something and she is confused too, there could be other explanations to this than that you didn’t mean anything to her in the past, I’m sure you did and that you two had a very good relationship back then.
What matters now though, is not what it was like then. What matters is what it is like now. Even if it was a good relationship, the fact is that she decided to end it and she decided that it would be a good idea to just have a casual fling with you now. I don’t think that is what you want to have with her? And no, it is NOT better to have a casual relationship with her than nothing at all. You know this. Actually you answer all your own questions in your original poster. It will be exactly as you write there: you will have your heart broken over and over again. And sticking around to just be near her, letting her have you when and how she feels like without any considerations of how you feel, will only make you into a ghost. Don’t let that happen to you. Think of what is now, not what was in past, the past is gone. Be strong!
A
male
reader, JustaGuy +, writes (16 September 2007):
JustaGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice bitterblue and Oblivia.
As much as I know I should break free I cant, the hurt is still raw and I miss her to much to break contact completly.
We had a good relationship (well from my perspective anyway)in the past and my heart wont let go of that, I cant help thinking perhaps seeing her casually is better then nothing at all.
How can she turn me into a causal fling with minimial contact after having a full on relationship with me, this just brings tears to my eyes, i though i meant so much more.
My feelings keep switching between anger and sadness and its really draining me.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (16 September 2007):
You had your heart broken not only once by her, but twice! No, you are not being selfish if you cut her out of your life. Not at all! You would be strong and taking care of your heart if you do, which would be the absolute right thing for you to do.It sounds to me that she is a very messed up person, which is sad, but you are doing the right thing to stop seeing her now, she will only mess with your head and your heart and keep breaking it over and over again, just as you say. And that is selfish of HER to do! You don’t need that and you don’t deserve it. Keep away from her and keep looking for the future girl who will give you real love and want to commit to you!Wish you luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): She tells you randomly of her two night stands, then kisses you and opens the door to casual visiting. Perhaps too clear what to do. You're not the type that can carry on with a casual relation, wouldn't be the appropriate climate for you. You want exclusiveness and committment, blocking the perspectives by accepting her part of the treaty you're only postponing your chance for happiness. I assure you you'd feel more fortunate and happier to find someone that can give what you as well have unselfishly and exclusively to give. I think you're reducing purposely your own chances, obstructing the right to find what fully pleases you and respects your limits. She's obviously in the stage of "variation," and you deserve better. It would be a pity to waste the time knowing there's no future in negociation, to say so.
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