A
female
age
41-50,
*sldgyrl25
writes:I made an original question post on 11/23/2010 trying to decide if I should ask my live in boyfriend of 6 months to leave and if I should end things. Since then, he did move out, but we came to an agreement of things that we both need to work on/accomplish in order for us to consider marriage. We said we would take 6 months and then assess where things are. As time has passed, I still do not feel any more comfortable about the thought of marrying him. He's damaged a door of mine in anger, he's still struggling to pay his bills, and although he is working now, he's mentioned trying to start two new endeavors. Stability eludes me and I see myself having a very hard life with him.I look at his life and feel in my heart that marrying him would be a mistake. He loves me, cares about me, but I do not believe he is mature enough to be a husband. I don't have many friends, and I don't know that we would be able to continue a friendship if things don't work out. When I think about ending things I cry because I don't want to hurt him, I am unhappy, and I don't have enough courage. I used to think it was about me not wanting to be by myself, but I know if I try I can make more friends.He's trying to change, but I don't believe he can. I've waited four months, and he still cannot afford his own apartment, has bad hygiene, and every few weeks will come up with some new revelation of what he is supposed to do with his life.For the past 2.5 years it's been the same "hey, I want to be a realtor... insurance sales person... copy writer... web marketer... illustrator (of which he has real talent)... martial art instructor... a business owner... work for someone else..."I can't take the instability anymore... I find myself drifting off during phone conversations with him because it just seems like simple lip service that never materializes. I am getting older and want to have kids and a family. I was raised in a dysfunctional home and desperately wanted something different for my life. It depresses me to think that I may not be able to find a decent husband or be able to give birth to kids and create that wonderful life I never had. I am also afraid of dating and maybe being rejected, having someone cheat on me, or not being able to find a suitable husband. At least with my current boyfriend I know he's completely faithful, and would do anything for me. We do have fun doing some things together, but more often than not we always end up arguing. Not to mention everything I've seen so far leads me to believe that he has some difficulties overcoming his anxiety, that he has problems sticking to things, that financial troubles always seem to find him, and that he will constantly have health issues, and hygiene issues. My life on my own does not have any of these things.I tried so hard in life and feel like I deserve more.Maybe my question is:1) Have I really given him enough time to get his act together?2) How do I end things?3) Do you have any encouragement for me and my desire to be married, have children, and finally have a happy family?I do love him, but I know love isn't enough, and fear of being alone or a ticking biological clock isn't a reason to stay in a relationship.
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female
reader, Isldgyrl25 +, writes (25 January 2012):
Isldgyrl25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe actually ended things a month ago, and I find myself crying everyday and very lonely. I wonder if I should call him to see if he is okay, but I am afraid it will open up that door again or cause him more pain.
I don't know what to do to not feel like I've thrown someone away or been insensitive to his feelings. I don't have many friends here and who wants to listen to my sob story since we all have issues of our own.
I am going to start trying dating websites, but to be honest I am scared of rejection or wasting my time. How do I overcome my dating fears?
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (13 April 2011):
 You know what, you sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, so I'm going to be very honest. I faced the exact same situation once. It's gut wrenching, I know.
I feel you have given him enough time to address the issues you had with him and he hasn't made enough progress. He's not life partner material. You'd end up being more of a mother than a wife, and resentment would grow. It's much better to let this go now, rather than end up possibly divorced with children somewhere down the road.
You are right. In matters such as these love isn't always enough. Women tend to be practical in making such decisions. I know that doesn't sound very romantic, but problems such as the ones you describe with your boyfriend are a real romance killer anyway.
I know it is scary to end things. You have probably become comfortable with him, but you must end it. If marriage and a family is what you desire, you need to be free to be open to the right person. There is no easy way to tell someone it's over. I would suggest honesty. Just tell him it's not going to work out and you both must move on.
Good luck,
TEM
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): obviously love means loving the person the way he or she is. the moment you start judging and evaluating the person, love is defeated.
so from your posts, it seems, you are practical girl, who is not love with him. so better will be call off. but caution is that you will never find a perfect match in this world for you. marriage will always means adjustments and compromises with the wordly man, who will always have some or other things that you feel is not good.
choice is yours..keep finding unknowns or settle with some one.
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