A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:Hello.I am having issues with my parents. I am 23 years old, chinese, female, and the youngest in my family, as well as my generation. I understand there is a degree of overprotectiveness, but ive had enough of it. I graduated from college (which i financed on my own with help from loans, also to try to show them that I can be independent) in june with my bachelors degree in nursing, took my board exam in july, and have just received a job offer at kaiser permanente. The hospital is about 20 minutes from my house, but i still want to move out. My parents, of course, are against it, and are trying everything possible to keep me at home. My mom does not work so she has nothing but time to micromanage everything i do 'You're so lazy. You should work more. Work work work. Make lots of money!! You're young, you can handle it.' 'You're eating again" You're already soo fat. Stop eating.' 'You're going out" Who are you going with" Do i know them" What time will you be back"' She's also guilt tripping me to try to convince me to stay home. 'I cook and clean and do everything for you at home, and you still want to move out" You are so ungrateful! You don't know how good you have it. I can't believe you're being so stupid about this. ' I cant stand it. My father is a little more relaxed because hes working all the time, but he still treats me like I'm 5. He is reluctant to leave me home alone. 'It's not safe for you to stay home by yourself' (even though I've done it numerous times). He is also using financial strains to try to keep me home. 'My business is not doing so well, so I need you to help me with the mortgage and bills' (which I am more than happy to do and can still do while living away from home) My mom has left the country to visit family, and i have found a really nice place to live. I want to move out while she's away, that way when she comes back, ill be gone. My older brother (10 years) fully supports me moving out, so I've been going to him a lot about this process. He dealt with this too when he was my age. But my parents were not as strict with him as they were with me, which i understand has to do with me being the youngest and a girl. My parents never let me apply to colleges an hour away from home, yet they let my brother attend UC Berkeley. (we live in LA) How should i handle this situation" I love and appreciate everything my parents have done, but I want my freedom and I am seriously fed up at home! My parents do nothing but fight every day, and i get dragged in the middle.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 Hi again,i also forgot to mention, that if your mother is calling you 'lazy' and asking you to work, work, work, then this is your time to show her that this is exactly what you want to do and you can actually get more done, when you're out on your own, doing what you want, where you want and when you want.Also, your parents constant bickering, cannot be healthy, nor a good environment for you either, so moving out is definitely the best option.You will find that you are able to breathe again and that you'll feel an overall peace in your life, which will do you much good.Again, all the best! :-)
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 September 2015):
Hi,you are over 18, so you have the right to make self-informed decisions, as a young adult, regardless of what your parents say and regardless of how they feel.Always be respectful toward your parents and let them know that you love them and always will, however, you have completed your Bachelors Degree in Nursing, (which btw, i congratulate you!!) and now you wish to move out. I too, am a nurse and i love my job! You've picked a truly interesting and rewarding field of work!You are proving to be very reliable, mature, goal orientated, independant, very focused and you will surely gain employment ( although you already have a great job offer) with your new skill set and your new credentials, so i cannot see why, you shouldn't be able to move out on your own and live independantly.Your parents must understsnd that this is what 'YOU' want and this is what makes 'YOU HAPPY'.It's not as though you're doing anything wrong, nor disrespectful.When a young adult decides to move out of home, this has no connection with you being ungrateful, nor disrespectful.Your parents feel this way, because for them, it's more of an old fashioned cultural thing. It stems back from their own upbringing/youth, so don't allow their seemingly negative comments, to affect you or your decisions.What i would encourage you to do, however, is 'NOT' to move out whilst your mother is away, because this would be the wrong way to go about moving out and perhaps she will see your sudden disappearance, as being quite disrespectful and even cunning.This type of move, will definitely upset your parents greatly and their relationship with you, even if not permanently.Wait for her to return, sit her down, face her with courage and inform her that you are going to move out at some point in the very near future, because it's what you want. You want to be able to stand on your own two feet, as they won't be around forever to support you in every way, which btw, you've proven that you can take care of your own finances.Your parents love you, they want what's best for you, so i can understand where they are coming from too, but your mothers seemingly 'picky' and over-protective attitude isn't healthy. You must make it clear to her, in a respectful and calm tone of voice, that you won't be made to feel guilty, when all you wish to do is to move out and get on with your life, go to work and make a decent and stable flow of income.Let them know too, that you'll always be there for them, to the best of your ability and that you'll always be in touch, this way they won't feel too neglected.Be realistic and honest too though and let them know that sometimes you'll be very busy, as you're just starting out, so if they don't hear from you, for an extended period of time, this doesn't mean that you've forgotten about them, or that you won't soon make contact.It's a positive way of using Psychology and whichever way you look at it, you are going to move out and they will simply have to accept this and get used to it.I can relate to you, as i went through the exact same thing, when i was even younger than you, but i did move out and today, i actually have a better relationship with my parents.They certainly don't hold grudges for my past actions and my parents were quite strict, especially my father.My father has always maintained, that i'm very capable in every way, because i have proven to be.I would strongly advise you though, to sit down with pen/paper and work out all of your impending finances and work out if you can afford everything on your own, because if you tell your parents that you wish to move out and be fully independant, then you'll want to stand by you've said, be able to verify/prove this and they'll be expecting you to display that you are very capable of looking after yourself financially.If you find that at present, you cannot afford everything, continue to remain at home and save a bit more, until you know for sure, that you can cope and are quite capable.I know you really wish to move out fast, but sometimes we must be realistic and if we cannot currently afford the big move, then we wait a bit longer, until we definitely know we can manage on our own.I thought to also mention, that when you do finally move out, you will have the greater advantage of deciding where you truly wish to work, not just work locally, because it's what your parents want and expect of you.Your parents are restricting your growth and if you do as they alone say, some day, you'll come to resent them and you may not have been able to reach your fullest potential, so don't allow this to happen.You have enough foresight right now, to make that positive difference for your future.I wish you every success and future happiness and please let me know how you get on. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, priaz +, writes (21 September 2015):
priaz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm worried they are gonna freak out. My mom used to show up unannounced at my former residences, and i have no doubt she will do that too.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 September 2015):
 At first I thought student loan, your parents' mortgage and your LA rent would be too much but after I did the math I think it's doable. They can't stop you from moving out. Stop letting their opinions get in your head. Wanting to live independently has nothing to do with being ungrateful. It's part of growing up. You already made arrangements. You just need to do the former paper work, and it's done.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2015): So? What's keeping you? At your age there is nothing your parents can say or do to keep you from getting your own place.
Find a place. Move out. Why do you need their permission or blessing? You go on about wanting to show independence. Well, show them.
Move out. Just find a place and up and move without telling them ubtil you are qctually moving.
...............................
|
