A
male
age
30-35,
*phex
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 2 weeks. Nothing has escalated from kissing yet let alone sex.None of us are in a rush but the problem i face is. My GF's mum is away for a week, obviously my GF wants me to sleep over. My mum and dad dont want me to though because they believe the temptation of sex is too great and hormones take over blah blah... and i wont be able to resist. Basically they dont want me having sex. Is this right? i swear i could resist, is it my parents having trust issues? or what? Please help, thanks
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male
reader, Stickman435  +, writes (25 January 2011):
they r right u shouldn't not even protected sex is not 100% safe maybe wen u get older and move out
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Well, there is also the factor that it could happen in the day time, BUT if you are out, or doing things during the day you are not so consumed by the feelings. Generally during the day you have things to do - like school im guessing! (As her mum is away for a week, surely you will be at school every day anyway? Or are you on half term?) At night, you naturally want to go to bed, snuggle up etc.... this is what makes it more difficult. You are more in tune with how your body is feeling, and more relaxed.
The lights are turned down low, curtains shut, the outside world totally locked out. Its just the two of you. Its very easy to forget that anyone else exists other than you and your partner. The atmosphere is complete different and far more intimate. Just the idea of sleeping and going to bed that will be hanging in the air. She will probably shower - that means getting undressed, washed, in a towel, getting into her bedclothes etc. She will probably prance about in her PJs/nightdress. When do you say goodnight? Do you have a normal time you go to bed? How do you say goodnight, then does she then just go and leaves you on the sofa?
Being with someone during the day, or going out with friends at night is a very different concept, because when you are done with them, you go home to your parents, where you have your own routine and you do your own thing. For example: if you went into town shopping on a saturday during the day, would you act/feel the same as if you went out with the same mates in the evening clubbing?
The whole dynamic of the situation changes due to the place, time, and emotional feelings.
It is much easier to keep your emotions and feelings in check when you are wide awake and full of the day, but at night, you relax more. And relaxing leads to loss of inhibitions. When girls are tired and sleepy we tend to get more cuddly. Our nature is to want to snuggle up. During the day, when you are fully awake you will be able to control the urges more. It still wouldnt be easy, but with the daily hustle and bustle of life going on there is more to occupy your mind.
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A
male
reader, aphex +, writes (20 October 2009):
aphex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, i agree.
But if kissing and getting each other really horney will lead to sex if i sleep round... how come this hasn't happened in daylight?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 October 2009):
Yes I would say dont sleep over. Even now at the grand old age of 26 (woo go me!) I would still say having a new boyfriend sleep over after two weeks was way too soon. And I have a good 10 years on you! lol By all means go and spend the day with her, but leave and go home at the end of the night. It means you can have breathing space as much as anything if things do get heated, and gives you space. Spending ALL day and night with someone is a completely different experience, and one that really you need to know the other person on a much closer level. It has only been two weeks.
I know you think that you are a mature teenager, but in situations like this, it doesnt matter if you are a teen or an adult of 20, 30 or older.
Sleeping over is a temptation to anyone. As an inexperienced young adult in the first throes of sexual attraction this does make it more difficult to control. Older more experienced people can learn to hang on to these feelings and as you get older you learn to control them. In the same ways that adult men learn to control erections, but as a teenager they seem to pop up at the most inconvenient times (you see what im getting at). I expect you have had some moments where you couldnt control things. This is what happens, and if you do get all touchy feely, it will be difficult.
If she really doesnt want to be alone then she should go and stay with one of her friends and their family - not ask you to sleep over.
Two weeks is way too soon.
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A
male
reader, aphex +, writes (20 October 2009):
aphex is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ celtic_tiger
well the reason was that she didn't want to be alone.
And if she were to get pregnant like your warning me about.. she would just get an abortion, shes said this even if i wanted to keep it (which i don't, i want to go to University) she would anyway... understandable, she ain't gunna let a boy gett her pregnant ruin her future.
But in conclusion you would say dont sleep over because it will actually be too tempting to have sex?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 October 2009):
I know you think you dont want sex, and you say you are not ready, and I do applaud you for being so mature and honest.
BUT, if this is the case, then there is no need to sleep over. Sleeping at somones house usually is a precursor for sexual activity. You are alone, there are no parents to get in the way and well....one thing leads to another. Take it from someone who has been there. It is VERY difficult to resist, and very easy to get caught up in the moment.
You are still young, and im gussing this is the first proper girlfriend you have had? You have yet to experience the full-on rush of hormones that you will get when you are close to her, and on your own. If you did stay over what would you do? Just kiss? Because that gets you horny....Your parents have worries for a reason. They are grown adults, they have been there. They KNOW how difficult it can be to control your hormones. They dont want you to make a mistake and rush into things. Its not that they dont want you to have sex. But at the end of the day you have only been going out with this girl for two weeks. Its not exactly a long time. They are probably looking into the future - what if she gets pregnant etc etc etc, which I know to you seems a silly concept, but parents worry about their children. They dont want to see you, a) getting hurt, b)regretting losing your virginity to this girl until you are ready, c)ruining your life by getting her pregnant. Its got nothing to do with them not wanting you to have sex. They are just seeing the bigger picture, and its only about their love and concern for you that they are doing it. Can you not see that? They dont want YOU, their child, to wreck your life before its begun. Would you rather they pushed you out the door and said "hey sleep over with any girl you fancy? If you get her pregnant or catch something, its not our problem". Where would the care be there? (I know thats extreme, but kids forget that parents were teenagers too.)
Especially as this relationship is still so new, I really would discourage you from sleeping over. Even grown adults most likely wouldnt sleep over this quickly. How many dates have you been on? Do her parents actually know she has invited you, and what would they say? Wait a couple of months, then if you are still together, and you have grown together as a couple, think about staying the night on the sofa. By doing this possibly behind her parents back, then you are leaving yourself open to accusations. If you are open and honest about everything to BOTH sets of parents, then they are far more likely to let you stay over in the future. Would you still sleep over if her parents were there? If no, why not? If you have nothing to hide, then this would not be a problem. IF you go, and they find out, then your feet probably wont touch the ground. Show everyone you are trustworthy first, and pave the way with trust and honesty. I know at 16/17 my mother would have hit the roof at the suggestion of a boy staying over. I resented it at the time, but now I know why. Its very easy to get carried away with the first flush of sexual emotions.
I really do respect that you want to wait, but it is not easy sometimes. As someone who also waited because I wanted it to be special and to be 100% ready, I can personally say, dont put temptation in the way. Because it is very tempting. Its only been 2 weeks. You have plenty of time to be sleeping over at each others houses in the future.
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A
male
reader, aphex +, writes (20 October 2009):
aphex is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ celtic_tiger
wow thanks for all that. i really do appreciate it. BUT, we both have said to each other were not ready for sex. So surely our clothes wouldn't come off?
you've given good advice based on the assumption that you think I want sex. but i dont.... im not ready, were not ready. as you said it should be the icing.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 October 2009):
In some ways your parents are right. They have been a teenager, and at that age, hormones are strong, and they can take over and in the heat of the moment you may do something you regret. Whether you like it or not, you sleeping over, in the same bed, will lead to sex. You will get very hot and heavy, and it will be very difficult to resist and say no. Especially with no parents around to cramp your style. Imagine - you have been making out, you are horny, turned on, and hard. She gets all touchy feely, and you end up in bed,with no clothes. What do you do? Get up put your clothes back on and go sit on the sofa? Do you really think you are strong willed enough to do that? Can you honestly say that you wouldnt even be tempted?
Because you are not yet experienced in these matters, and even adults cannot handle this either, temptation can get the better of anyone. If you are really turned on, and you really fancy your partner, it can be very very difficult to resist. Often the only way not to have sex, is to keep some space between you.
As long as you AND your girlfriend are both over the age of 16 then you are not doing anything illegal.
HOWEVER: is your girlfriend on the pill? Condoms are not 100% safe, so unless you want to risk her getting pregnant I really do urge you to wait until she is on some other form of contraception AS WELL AS CONDOMS.
Is she a virgin? This is something else to consider. There are many factors which YOU will need to consider if this is the case. Two weeks into a relationship is not really the time for this to be happening. She needs to be safe and secure in the knowledge that you will not run off and leave her once the deed has been done. Can you see yourself with this girl in 6 months time?
You have only been dating two weeks. This isnt a long time. It may seem like a long time in teenage life, BUT its 14 days, and you are already considering that its ok to sleep over? For most people, even adults this is waay too soon. The honeymoon period is still in full swing, and you have not really got to know each other enough yet. Build the foundations of a strong relationship before you start adding sex into the mix. Wait until you have been going out a couple of months, and are really sure about each other, so that you do not regret being intimate.
Sex does funny things to womens brains, and if you are her first, she will probably fall in love with you and get emotionally attached. IF you suddenly decide in another 2 weeks time, that actually youre not too sure about her, then she will be very very hurt.
Sex should be the icing on an already strong relationship. It shouldnt be all the realtionship is about. Build strong foundations. Go out, learn about each other. Just because you are in a relationship, you dont HAVE to be having sex from the first date. Sleeping over this early in a relationship is far too soon. You barely know each other as a couple, and you cant have been on many dates yet? She may be begging you to come over, but I think you need to be the adult here, and say, that its too soon, and act like a gentleman. She might not like this, but she will realise that you are being a gentleman. Two weeks in, and she wants you to "sleep over". Many guys would jump at the chance, and then take advantage of her, and possibly rape her or force her to do things she doesnt want. With no parents about she will be very vulnerable. Be the gentleman.
Please be careful.
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A
male
reader, aphex +, writes (20 October 2009):
aphex is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ satindesire
no but my parents reckon temptation and hormones will make it happen.
like they said too many people say "we didnt mean too"
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 October 2009):
The it's time to stand up and say that although you love your parents a lot, you do need to be able to live your own life. They just aren't ready for you to grow up. They still see you as their little boy. But if you allow yourself to be controlled in this way at this age, then it'll never end. Tell them calmly that you have to be able to make your own decisions, or you'll only end up having to lie to them, or they'll push you away. They'll probably have a go, but you must stand up for yourself. If you say you won't do anything, then who are they to mistrust you.
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A
male
reader, aphex +, writes (20 October 2009):
aphex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThing is, we dont want sex. I say this to my mum but still... temptation is too much apparently and i will / we will anyway
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): Hi I am 16 and I know the feeling so here is my advise. If you think you are ready and if she is ready then go for it but you have only been dating for two weeks as said... ur choice though. I think ur parents are right in a way but they can't tell you not to have sex. Sometimes you can't help it and DO give into temptations. I would know I have had some temtations but have not given into them. Untill you KNOW you are ready and SHE is ready than I would say wait.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 October 2009):
This is about your parents not being ready for you to grow up. They don't want to know their beautiful son is on the job, as it were. But it's as simple as this. If you are over 16, and she os over 16, in Great Britain, you can have sex legally. So this is their problem, not yours. So long as you're both 16, it's none of their business. Just do it safely! (if you do)
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