A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25, with my bf 3 years. When we got together he said one of his best mates is a girl who he was with in the past and who he was crazy about. He said thats old history now. Thing is though, over the last 3 years he has done several things that has made me worried. (I tried to be mates with her at first but she seems to mainly just care about his friendship and seems to really adore him. I think maybe she still feel something for him. ) Okay so the things that have happened are: he changed a trip we had planned to go visit her so that it was him and his guy mate going; another time had two photos of her in his phone and one of them sitting close together when they were hanging out and also had an unexplained receipt for a girls top from the same day which he says he cant explain. Add this to a fair amount of time spent together in the past, going to restaurants for lunch, and doing what I would consider couple things – going to hers for Chinese food and drinks, hanging out like a couple would etc. So, I asked him to stop this stuff as it was making me paranoid, and his response was to freak out saying I’m acting jealous for no reason and being untrustworthy etc. He then told me he’d ran into her in a pub one night and I found out he’d texted her and then called into her to get her to go, said he didn’t tell me as he knew I’d react. So, her birthday rolls around and he gets her to invite me. I don’t go as I don’t want to be two faced and hope he’ll remember how on edge I feel about this. He responds by staying out in her house (party) until nearly 5am, getting hammered. When I bump into a friend of his late that night, he tells me only my boyfriend and her were left in her house. I ask him a bit more, and he changes his story. So, I rang my boyfriend and he acts oddly. Hangs up and then calls back saying its only quiet because he’s outside or whatever, and then goes on to say at 5am theres still apparently about 30 people there. Then he changes the topic to how I'm being unfair and rants even though I’d said nothing much. After that night, shes away abroad, so I don’t know how much contact they have through his email or texts etc, but he talks about her and texts her back when we were on a holiday, even goes on to talk about the cool things she’s done the next day. I feel like he has so much admiration for her and its annoying. So, my question is, despite us living together for 2 years and being happy, (except when she pops back on the scene), should I accept his explanations or am I right to see red flags? He thinks I'm being unreasonable and that my concerns are based on misunderstandings?! I guess I really want to know if I'm making an issue over stupid things or if deep down there is something I’m not being told. What do you think? Thanks so much in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I'm a 26 years old male, I hope I can help.
Right now, I have had only 1 girlfriend. If we ever get to break up, we will hopefully be good friends. I would still hold her in high regard, and probably go to dinner, bars, once in a while (of course I would tell my next partner about it).
The 5am event seems very suspicious. I think he did one of two things:
1) He had sex with her
2) Had a very long talk with an old friend. Although you might find this incredible, I've witnessed guys (including myself) who enjoy to have a very long and good talk with a good old friend.
But honestly, if I was living with my girlfriend for 2 years, I would probably not have done that (at least not that late), and I would probably have invited my girlfriend to the party.
Just to measure the probability of him having sex with her, just answer the questions:
Is he satisfied with you sexually?
Is sex frequent enough for both of you?
Do you have strong arguments with him?
Do you treat him well enough?
Have you been denying him sex?
Are you abusive emotionally/physically to him?
Take a look at those questions. If you notice something within the questions is missing , then it is probable that there is a problem in your relationship. The deeper the problems, the more likely is that he had sex with her.
If your guy is not fulfilled, it is very likely that he will find fulfillment elsewhere.
I really hope all this is a misunderstanding.
A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (31 March 2011):
It really could be either. The first few things you mention don't seem overly suspicious, my best friend is a guy and we go out for lunch, have drinks together, email, text but nothing ever happens.
It gets slightly odd when you mention the house party but I can't tell if his behaviour is an indicator of something going on or if he's trying to put your mind at ease so he doesn't have to come home and explain himself.
Unless you find solid proof either way, I suppose the question you should really be asking yourself is can you put up with the uncertainty (and maybe jealousy?) for much longer? He does seem to hold her in high regard and I don't think this will change. So you'll have to make the decision whether you can tolerate his & this girls friendship and whether you can trust him or not.
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