A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:It's been well over 5 months since we broke up. We were together for 2 years and were childhood friends too so we know each other's deepest corners. We've been through so much and I know in my heart that I will always love him, and I also know that he will always love me too. We broke up because things just weren't working out and it became tiring for both us to try. We became painfully dependent on each other, so we called it quits.These past five months have been hell. We decided to preserve our friendship but it is not working as when we tried to hang out yesterday after a month of not talking to each other, we ended up sleeping together. Any other attempts to hang out the months before led to that as well. We seem to be in line with each other in terms of passion and chemistry. I have never had that before and I've tried dating and I always look for him in new guys which I didn't think was fair so I stopped dating altogether.My problem is that I'm sick of thinking about him all the damn time. There's not a day when he isn't on my mind. It has made me completely sad. Nothing seems to work when it comes to getting over him. I've been keeping myself busy and hanging out with friends but he just can't leave my mind. I keep thinking what's he doing now? Does he miss me? What does he feel? He never gave me closure when we broke up. When asked if he still loves me THAT way, he just answers he doesn't know and that he focuses on himself. I've stopped asking him already. I don't want to think about him anymore. What do I do?
View related questions:
broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 You are very welcome!
Its very easy when we are young to think that our first proper relationship is the be all and end all, and that a two year relationship seems to have been through so much and been so close, and lasted so long. But as we get older and more experienced we usually look back and realize that actually what we experienced back then was a sort of trail, a prelude to the more adult, mature relationships that we get into later. If that makes sense? As you get older two years seems about a fortnight! As we move away from our childhood we often loose touch with those whom we were very close to and find new interests and have different needs. You and your ex are still very much in the development, maturing phase of early adulthood. In a few short years, or even months, you will look back to your teens and early twenties and think "Did I really think like that? Did I really want to do that?" and so much of the stuff that's so important to you now will be replaced by different interests, fears, interests and goals.
You have so much ahead of you, so many exciting things, and difficult moments ahead, but it wont be long before, in the nicest possible sense, facing the world without your ex actually becomes easier than imagining spending the whole of your life with the first person you fell for properly.
What you are going through right now is difficult, sad and hard for you both. But its one of the situations we get asked a lot on here and is something most of us answering these questions know all about as we have been through it several times....and survived. Its all part of growing, maturing, learning and developing.
Best of luck to you,
Mark
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going to hang on to every word you typed up. I'm glad for your advice, it has truly opened my mind to what, like you said, I knew all along deep down. You are so very right. I'm young and I have so much more ahead of me. Thank you so much.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 May 2014):
Hi,
You say nothing seems to work in getting over him, but one thing you haven't tried, which is the most sensible in this case, is cutting all contact and allowing yourself the space to move on. You say he hasn't given you a sense of closer, well in that case its time to give yourself that closure.
Trying to stay friends clearly isn't working. You are stuck in a cycle of trying to put your feeling to one side and trying to move, while being reminded of him, meeting him socially which opens up your feelings again and when you do meet up ending up in regretful sex that does nothing but leave you both hurting more.
The only way to stop thinking about him and move on is to stop pretending its going to work being friends. I know that's a very hard thing to do but sometimes we have to make tough decisions and go through difficult experiences.
Its always hard when a couple who were childhood friends, who have been together all their adult life, split up. But you are still very young, your adult life has barely begun. You say you have both been through so much together and that you know each others deepest corners, but adult life is full of trials and tribulations OP and there will be others who you care about, love and also go through life's ups and downs with in the future to a much greater extent.
I do think you need to accept that this is over, im sorry. I know its tough and difficult, especially with uncertainty and a lack of closure. You broke up for a reason, and it became frustrating and tiring to keep it going. Now you need to move on and let go.
You dont tell us too much as to why it ended, but you got together as teens, but now you are well on the way to becoming full y fledged adults. You are both at an age where you are changing, developing, maturing, being moulded by life experiences. That often means that couples who were childhood sweethearts and absolutely right for one another as teenagers, drift apart quickly in their early twenties as they become different people with differing needs and plans.
Its hard when a couple in that situation are dependant on one another, have no other serious relationship to compare too and have spent the whole of their young adult life and development phase together. It understandably makes it very difficult to deal with when the relationship goes wrong. But we have to let go when that happens and move on. Clinging to the past, or to an idealist hope that things will change and work out will just take you round in cycles of hurt.
I think you need to find the strength to speak to him and tell him you both need to move on and go no contact, at least for a while. I think you know deep down that this "friendship" is not allowing you to move on, and is born out of misguided loyalty and from clinging to the past, rather than being a sensible option.
Its only by moving on and spending a bit of adult single time without a partner that you can really discover yourself, learn to face adult life without the partner you grew up with and then learn to love others and be happy with someone who isn't this particular individual. It is not fair to date other men when you are still in this half in/half out relationship with your ex. Neither is a relationship with anyone else likely to work when you are still thinking so much about him. You need some time to readjust, gain the confidence and sense of closure for your self and to move on. You are young, you have so much time to meet other people and very few of us settle down with our first true love.
Mark
...............................
|
