A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For over four years I've been in a great relationship with a beautiful woman. I'd say 99 % of the time its been fantastic, best friends and lovers at the same time. They have been the best times since I was a child. We do lots of stuff together and look forward to seeing each other every day. Never get bored of each other, travel, help each other etc. She's never given me any reason not to trust her and I would never cheat on her. Its nearly perfect. Unfortunately there's still that 1%. One of the issues that I, read I not her, has is that i can be overprotective. The thought of men hitting on her, flirting etc, giving her an innocent hug etc when she is by herself makes me upset. I don't know why, because she's never given me the slightest reason not to trust her. No red flags nothing. Yet I still worry about it. Even when she's out with her gfs shopping or something I think about it. On one hand (the logical part of my brain) I feel very happy for her, that's she's got many friends and is out having a good time. But then, evil things creep into my mind. It's rarely a problem (because I suck it up and don't say anything) BUT sometimes, maybe a handful of times over the last 4 years, I open my stupid mouth and ask unwarranted questions. To her it rightly sounds like I don't trust her. She gets hurt and its a mess. Why am I like this, I hate it but it's like my logical mind shuts down and I feel like an Neanderthal trying to protect his mate from other prowling males. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with it but my previous (and first) relationship was with a woman who kept running back to her ex bf whenever things went wrong between us. Also, my mother had a horrible relationship with my dad (who treated her like crap) and she always worries women will betray her sons. Also I tend to be very sensitive and emotional myself.The vast majority of the time we both treat each other very well. She herself has told me numerous times that I'm a very kind and generous person (the opposite of my dad actually). I hate it about myself when I have negative thoughts in my mind. I don't really understand them, and because of this I'm not sure what do to about them. I don't want to hurt her again, and this is what pains me most of all. Any thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Reply to anonymous female reader;
That the irony, actually I'm the one in the relationship who has almost too many other hobbies (I'm a writer, play guitar, gym, reading, birding goes on and on). So on the flip side I'm happy to have time to do my own stuff. I also have more regular friends, again at times too many for me since I'd rather spend time with myself or with my gf.
However, when I was alone (no gf) for a long time I was prone to severe depression. Without my gf in my life, my hobbies seem meaningless and empty.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): I believe the reason you feel insecure in this relationship is because so much of your life is wrapped up in it and this woman. God forbid something happens to end it, however unlikely, you are more vulnerable than you would have been if you'd had independent hobbies, a wider circle of friends and a solid support system already in place.Your negative experience with past relationships, your own or those you observed, only serves to reinforce whatever fears you have, and quite possibly is the reason you are so dependent on them. You cling more tightly to something you fear losing which makes you even more dependent and fearful of losing it. It's a vicious circle.If this is the case then the solution is simple. Broaden your horizons a little. I don't mean date other women, but have some friends and hobbies that are separate from your girlfriend. The first place you need to feel safe is within yourself. Without that you'll never feel safe anywhere.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 your parents relationship, and the fact that your mum worries that women will hurt her sons (i guess she conveys these worries to you?) and your previous girlfriend not being loyal to you have all had a part to play in the way you feel now. maybe you should get some counselling to help stop your negative feelings that have stemmed from the stuff that happened in your past. as your relationship is so good and almost perfect it is understandable that you feel it could all be taken away from you. you sound like you have good insight about the reasons for your feelings so get help to fix that because it is not fair to your GF that she feels she is not trusted by you
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