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female
,
anonymous
writes: I've been married to my gorgeous husband 3 years, we have a 15 month old baby. Four weeks ago he announced he is no longer happy in the marriage, he has said we have nothing in common, we are drifting apart, our sex life is poor and he doesn't think he loves me anymore.I was initially devastated, then angry, sad and even understanding! He has shown NO emotion whatsoever, I am concerned he is depressed. He justs wants to spend all his time on his addictive hobby and be alone. Help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): I agree with the previous reader. It's highly possible your husband is reeling from the changes that having a baby has brought to your marriage. Instead of communicating his feelings, he is interpreting your bond to your baby as an abandonment of him. He's resenting you, and has shut down his emotions. I do think he is taking a very selfish stance by not speaking with you about his feelings. It's like he's 'chosen' to sabotage the marriage
because of 'his'hurt feelings while you are taking care of the baby and home. If he's doing this, it's very immature behaviour, on his behalf.
It's natural to devote your energy and attention to your baby, and it is also true that your alone time with your husband will decrease. But this does not mean that your husband cannot include himself in caring for his baby or that the two of you cannot carve out "special" time to be with one another. He's making the choice here to ignore you and that must be very painful to you.
I know you love this man and your family life is important. But he needs to understand your relationship with your baby does not replace the love and affection you give each other. Your daughter's emotional well-being rests on the security of your spousal relationship. Sharing feelings in a manner which encourages rather discourages discussion is the key. Let your husband know that you want to reconnect with him. Ask him to work with you, not against you to regain the emotional connection in your marriage. Your baby will benefit from the love you rekindle. If he's still unable to respond then perhaps you and he should get into couple counseling to have a trained mediator talk to him about his feelings. It sounds like he got a bit spoiled by you, in the past-and now your focus is on the baby. Remember, it takes 2 people to make a baby and it take 2 people (a Mom-a Dad) to raise one too.
I really wish you both the best of luck. Take it one step at a time. Hang in there and be strong.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005): It sounds like he's reacting to the new responsibility of your baby. With a fifteen month old, you are probably very occupied with caretaking for the infant and he feels jealous that he no longer has your undivided attention. This might be the reason he feels depressed, added on to the additional responsibility men feel for being providers and he is now responsible for another person for life! When that baby grow inside of you, you had nine months of adjusting to the reality of motherhood and had developed a connection even before birth. Astounding as it may seem, some men feel overwhelmed once the baby is born, almost surprised at their new status of family. If you can spend time with other fathers who have successfully negotiated this maybe his father, a brother, his friends, he can have the opportunity to open up to them. Some men are too ashamed to admit that they resent the baby, although they love their child too. I guess it's a type of male, post-partum depression. The intial fuss of the birth and attention from family and friends is now over for him -- people are concentrating on the child and you as a vehicle for info on the baby's progress. Try to include him as much as possible in this context. Tell stories about things he is doing with the infant and what a good father he is being as a means of drawing him in and helping him not feel left out. Also, find a means of making couple time on a regular basis -- doing things together (before baby) that you found relaxing, nurturing of each other and romantic. Take care of your marriage first - he's the man you wanted to start a family with. Encourage him to see your family physician, maybe noting he's been a little tired lately, etc. Hopefully he open up to the doctor and be prescribed antidepressents. Good luck - remember this is not about you, happens to men sometimes and will pass.
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