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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my g/f for 10 years and we have 2 children together. I have always had a high sex drive while my g/f has a very low sex drive,. I have been ok with this until recently as I now find myself getting very upset when we don't have sex. I watch porn and masturbate as often as I can and I am looking at more and more women and wanting to have sex with them. I do love my g/f and don't want to lose her or cheat on her but I am getting more and more frustrated and don't know what to do. Your help on this matter would be most appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, OceanWaves  +, writes (6 August 2008):
Hi "anonymous male",
as a fellow male, and in a similar predicament to you, I felt reassured there was another male out there with a similar problem. What I am interested to know is were you able to resolve the problem? If you were what was the solution?
Many thanks
Mike
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (11 October 2005):
Hi,
This is really hard because you can't control another person no matter how much you try. The only thing you can do is tell your woman how you feel. Try to do it sometime when she is not stressed out or tired with the kids. Don't do it if she has just denied you sex with her again as you will be too emotional. Try to organise a dinner or a quiet night out to talk about it. Don't threaten to cheat or anything but tell her that you are feeling frustrated and feel like you need more sex in your lives. Ask her what you need to do to make it easier for her to accept your invitations to make love. It could be that she doesn't feel heard, from a womans point of view good foreplay is your man listening to you! Practise listening skills ,like asking questions rather than offering advice. Bring more romance into your lives, ask yourself when was the last time you made a romantic gesture. If you are not sure on what is romantic buy a book on it or look up ideas on the internet. John Gray has some great books on bedroom skills for couples in long term relationships, "mars and venus in the bedroom" is a good one. Hope things get better for you and I hope some of what I have suggested works for you.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (11 October 2005):
 I guess your words will indicate to others here (at long last, may I say) that porn can play a role when a relationship is floundering on the sexual side and shouldn't merely be thought of as 'what men do'!! There is a reason for it.
Mismatched sex drives are a common problem in relationships but there are ways of making the situation easier.
Talking to your partner first and foremost may help more than you think and you should make her aware of how you feel (although it would be wise to miss out the bits about looking at other women and wanting to have sex with them).
I'm sure you already know that if you had an affair, it would have a devastating effect on your family so you will want to avoid this at all costs.
Make your partner aware of how much you miss intimacy with her. You haven't stated how much you make love but are there reasons why she has such a low sex drive? Could it be hormonal, tiredness, stress? All these things could be talked about together.
If she doesn't always feel like sex, she could be willing to help you towards satisfaction through masturbating you or through oral sex but you need to be able to compromise and meet each other half way.
Getting a babysitter or going away for a break may revitilise your relationship and could be a consideration.
Pressurising a woman to make love can be a major difficulty in a relationship and perhaps taking time to make her feel special may work wonders.
Above all, open the communication channels without making her feel in demand if you can. Allow her access to how you feel and how important this is to you.
Good luck
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