A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 12 year-old son. Recently we had a friend of his, whom I'll call Joe, over for dinner with a lot of other people. The next day Joe's mom texted my wife and said that Joe didn't like being made fun of at our dinner table. I think my wife texted back and tried to explain what had happened.I spoke to Joe's mom on the phone a day later and told her that nobody had made fun of him; I had been sitting near him. She became quite agitated and basically said that she valued her son's word over my wife's or mine. We have known these people for 11 years. Joe's mom trusts us otherwise, and lets us take Joe on trips, gave us a key to their house, etc. Personally I think most 12 YO's bend the truth and over something as minor as this I would probably believe rational adults over my son. I haven't told my wife about the phone call. She is a sensitive woman, and I think she's going to be really hurt if/when she finds out that Joe's mom thinks she is lying.I like Joe and his family, so I wonder if I should tell his mom that she needs to tread lightlywith my wife if she wants to keep her as a friend?To throw another wrinkle into this story, we saw Joe a couple of days after the dinner and he was not upset at all.Thanks!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 I'm not sure if it's too late to chime in here, but I'm going to anyway.
The boy may be a tad sensitive and interpreted something silly as teasing.
So far you've been on the defensive, without even knowing what, if anything happened. So I recommend you turn that around by asking her, the next time this comes up, what exactly happened. Instead of denying anything or risking a confrontation keep asking questions. 'What exactly was said or done and by whom?' 'When did this happen?'
If you are calm, confident and open minded, without automatically assuming or deflecting blame and and use as few words as possible, she will talk herself out of steam and the matter will die out on its own.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2013): Every action is seen differently by different people. If you said "Wow, Joe sure likes his ketchup!" in response to him squirting a lot of ketchup on his fries, he may see that as being teased about his dietary habits when you thought you were just making a light-hearted joke. The same could go for if you said he was a picky eater or something.
I don't know many 12 yo's that would lie about being teased for no reason. They may lie about a myriad of other things but teasing seems an odd choice.
My advice is to talk with your wife and see if there is anything at all that could have come off as teasing to a 12yo (jokes in particular). If there is something, no matter how insignificant it may seem I'd say offer a friendly gesture to Joe and his mother. If you value them as friends (11yrs makes me think you do), a simple - "I'm sorry you felt we were teasing you/your child but we were just joking around. You're our friend/s and we wouldn't tease you on purpose," can go a LONG way.
If you can't think of anything at all, it'd be best to ask Joe's mother if you could talk to Joe about the incident and see exactly what he thought you were teasing him about. Miscommunication can be a terrible thing and can end many friendships that otherwise would have endured.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Everyone assuming this little dude lying.. Just maybe he's not.. There food for thought .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Tell your wife anyways, so she won't find out about it a roundabout way.
And then maybe Joe needs to NOT come over for a while. I would guess once he misses being around your family he will talk to his mom. If not, I'm sorry to say, his loss. I would not let a 12 year old dictate my life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Simple, Joe doesn't come over anymore he's or his mom are obviously too sensitive to be around your family and frankly his mother calling you liars instead of getting to the bottom of what was said and resolve it speaks volumes about what she thinks of you.
Seriously OP, screw her. This isn't about valuing your son over another person, it's about a 12 year olds opinion on something being more important than resolution.
No point in Joe coming over anymore OP, he obviously finds you and your family offensive for some reason and why would you want someone in your household constantly that you have walk on egg shells for?
Have you talked to Joe about this OP? I mean if he's the one with the problem and his mother sees his opinion as so important then why not give his opinion the same importance she does and talk to him like the adult she thinks he is. You'll find out from him whether his mother is over-reacting and whether he really did feel as upset as she's making out.
If he wants to be a guest in your house then you have every right to discuss this with him in a adult fashion. Best to do that. But frankly OP I'd bar him from the house, and say it's just to protect him, he obviously takes offence to being around you so why have him there and risk that? Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): It's hard to give an opinion, as you haven't exactly said what the issue was? It's easy for people to think that we haven't said something but it can be real easy to hurt someone feelings without knowing it .. I think what's happening here is instead of calling joe mum, go around to their house, make it clear you're there to talk only.. Say to joe that you can't remember anyone teasing him at the dinner but if he explains what was said you will listen.. Now it might be an insignificant thing. But to joe this may be heap together with his own thoughts and feelings making it 100% worse . Then after he says whatever it is.. Say this .. Joe I'm sorry that you thought whomever ? Meant whatever it was that was said and if you had come to me ( even if you think it's me who said something ) then we would asked that person did they mean what you heard them say ( they also get a chance to say either yes or no) and we would have sorted this out right there and then.. Sometime people say things joe that come out the wrong way, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt your feelings but if you give them a chance to explain sometimes its not as bad as we think.. And if it was meant then they'd be punished for it. As being mean is not allowed . I think his mother is annoyed that you and your wife are brushing whatever it was , under the carpet (so to speak ) .. Accepting that for joe sake he felt something was said.. Why on earth if you have been friends for 11 years would he suddenly ( as I take this wasn't his first dinner at your house) would he say whatever it was to his mum, that makes no sense now does it?
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