A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We live in Stockport, in Greater Manchester, and have a 20 year old son. He told us last night he was confused about himself sexually. Not professionally. He's enjoying his university studies in business systems and marketing - wants to go into PR or marketing for Manchester Airport when he's older.However, he said to us this last night:"I'm confused over my sexuality. Although I want a relationship with a woman, including the sex and living together, security of relationship, y'know, all that stuff, the living together, mortgage etc, etc. I worry about my attraction to men - it's more emotional than physical, not really sexual, I was once emotionally attracted to a gay friend John [not his real name] but stopped myself short of going any further with him thinking that women wouldn't want to go out with a man who'd slept with another man, there's a double standard, men find it hot if a woman's been with another woman, but the reverse is considered offputting by women. At the same time, I was told you only live once, go for it, but then I read about trying to fit in with society. I don't really know where I stand. At the same time I don't really use porn ; unless you count me sneaking the odd peek at women in the M and S Catalogue's (not in lingerie, though, just in nice dresses and that). I'm a little bit confused over my sexuality, really."He then stopped to pause for breath. We told him we didn't care if he was gay, as long as he was satisfied with his life and got pleasure out of it, that was the main thing. He told me he felt guilty about having emotional attraction to men, and that being gay was considered "wrong" in our area (believe me, in Stockport, it's considered a bit of a joke or target for ridicule in our area - people have a preconceived notion gay people are all camp or wear leather, or speak like Julian Clary).He then explained to us he did get pleasure out of his life and his work, but his sexual orientation was "the one bit of the jigsaw that he didn't know where it would fit" - he said everything else was in place in his life.How should we help him? He thinks it's too early for counselling and is, on a stress scale, 3 (a small worry).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I think you need to discourage labels .... gay, bisexual, straight. That who we like is who we like whether a man, woman, all or none. At different times different people will appeal to us. We all change and develop. I would say if he likes someone then maybe he should try dating them. See how the shoes fits. Its not marriage - dating is trying different people on to see which one is for you. He's got more time to think and develop and evaluate what he wants. But there is no need to worry or rush. It will happen. Its great he can talk to you so openly. That is brilliant. Sad that the area you live in isn't very tolerant. Sad in this day and age that society still at THAT level.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 July 2013):
Dear OP,
First of all, I think it's really nice of you that you will accept your child no matter what. I am bisexual and had a hard time getting accepted by my parents when I came out as lesbian (at the time I thought I was lesbian).
I suggest your son might be to some degree bisexual, which is especially hard to deal with. Because gay and straight people might wonder about you and think you don't fit in to their narrow definiton of what is "normal".
While I agree that there is discrimination against gay or bisexual people, he needs to combat his inner feelings of guilt first. Because if you feel comfortable in your skin and with your sexual orientation, it's easier to deal with other peoples disapproval.
As parents, I don't know if you can help him overcome his negative feelings and doubts, he might need to sort that out for himself. From my experience, you can be bisexual, gay or straight and find a suiting partner. But it's always the same, as soon as you're not mainstream, you need to be more clever and make more efforts in order to meet people you like.
I think you as parents can help by being supportive and not fueling his fears that he'll become a loner or an outcast as soon as he experiments with guys. Yes, some people might not like it, but he doesn't need those peoples' approval. If he's truly himself, he'll find friends who will truly accept him. And that is worth much more than just fitting in from the outside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): I agree with all the other aunts at the minute, counselling will have no effect and be probably more harmfully than good.. When we fall in love it's not by going to counselling to talk over our feelings. It's something innate within us that draws us to that person .. Your son is drawn to his friend (this may be love). I think your son has a wise head on his young shoulders, he is debating whether this is actually something or nothing . He realises at twenty he is very young for any relationship so is cautious .. I think like everyone as parents you handle this superily .. Openness in any relationship is so needed and to have that with your children shows the work you have done to establish that..My brother in law is bisexual though he been in a gay relationship now for 7 years. He too moved from our home town to Edinburgh due to attitudes and nasty behaviour from others (in this day an age) so I totally understand whether your son is coming from I think there are some places more tolerant than other regarding a person sexuality .. Your son I'm sure will be more than fine, he has lovely home with good support network . He on course and enjoys his studies. He has friends . It's all good signs . My brother in law didn't tell us (me first haha) until he was 25 and sure and he did experiment with kissing a few girls .. Though it didn't come as a complete shock if that makes sense .. Your son may take another 5 years as well to decide just keep doing as you are..Take care and no wonder your proud of your boy (I would be too) x
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 Counseling wouldn't be the right way to go i think.
Just be there for your son and support him. Counseling would suggest to him that there is something terribly wrong with him. That would not be the right message to send as a parent. You sound very caring, being there for him will mean alot to him.
Ultimately its a journey he will have to take and all you can do is offer support.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 At 20 he sounds so very normal. And if he's not that stressed I am not sure that counseling is needed yet. Although I think counseling in general with a good counselor is always a good idea.
I love that your son felt safe and secure enough to come talk to you about this. It is a testament to your good parenting.
How to help him... you did perfect "we will love you no matter what"
Sexuality is a spectrum (much like mental illness) and while I believe we are ALL capable of same sex loving, some folks are so put off by it they can't imagine it and yet others who would LOVE to be heterosexual can't manage to find anything that interests them about it.
That being said, I think the majority of us are at minimum capable of being bisexual and it sounds like that' may be what your son needs to explore...
he's spot on that it's much more acceptable for women to be bi then men... not fair but a sad fact. Even for me as bisexual woman I have to fight that feeling that bisexual men are just not quite as entitled to feel this way as I feel.
Let him know you are receptive to talking about it and when and if he's ready to help him find a counselor. Also encourage him to use this time to explore his feelings and figure out what he wants.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 July 2013):
 The best thing you can do is just make sure he knows you love and support him no matter what his sexual orientation, and if he wants to talk about it, you're there. Otherwise it's something he'll figure out on his own, with time. Just being supportive of whatever he feels will go a long way!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2013):
 I also don't think he needs counselling, I think he just needs time to mature a little as his views on his sexuality seem quite immature and fragmented.
It's a good thing that he isn't in a relationship with anyone yet as this will give him more time to find out what he wants.
Some people are bisexual and some people never get to grips with their sexuality. It is good that you are supportive, continue to be so and hopefully he will identify with his sexuality at some point in the future.
It is a shame that you feel you live in a homophobic area as this may encumber his decision.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (5 July 2013):
 Sexuality is a fluid thing that many people find evolves with time. It's totally normal and okay for him to feel whatever he feels about his sexuality. He might not need counseling for this, he may just need time and a safe place to feel loves and accepted while he figures himself out.
Please stress to him that you are 100% okay with his sexuality no matter what. It might help if you sit down and talk to him about gay rights, and how you feel about gay marriage and other equality issues that gay people face these days.
If he is gay, he might be hiding it from you just to gauge how accepting you will be to him if he comes out to you. It's possible that he's just seeking some reassurance. Talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2013): Firstly let me say that you sound like an amazing parent:) tell him to join university LGBT society to hang around people who might be going through the same thing
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