A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my partner 9 years. we have an eight year old son. i was addicted to recreational drugs when we met, though i have since stopped. i lead a avery busy working life and have had little time for my family. i still smoked cannabis up untill recently when something happened. i got emotionally involved with the bosses daughter although nothing happened. i told my partner how i felt and that prehaps we should call it a day. it was at this time i decided to grow up and stop drinking and smoking cannabis. i have since thought about what i was doing and i want to stay with my partner and my son.i have told my partner this and i have tried to show her that i am a changed man and that this experience has brought me to my senses with regard to my lifestyle and how i was acting. she however is not having any of it which i can fully understand and although we are still living together she has said we are not a couple at the moment and she needs time, however it has been well over a month now and still nothing. our situation is extremeley complicated and i wish that she could see that i have finally grow up. what should i do. some days i think it would be best to wait and eat humble pie, but another part of me is wondering wether she will ever come round and if i am wasting my time. the thing is that the more i try to talk to her about it the more i seem to push her away. i am slowly losing the will to live and need some serious advice. i hope that someone out there can advise. thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): Hey, Hey slow down!
Well done on your efforts so far but for goodness sake, a month! Life changes take a bit more work and patience. Your partner only has the past to identify with at the moment, give her time to feel good about you again.
She will see your panic in trying to change thing instantly and will obviously be weiry of things at the moment. Let her take a breath and stop the panic.
All you can do is change from the inside, your heart and soul. When that happens others will see the change is for real.
Keep strong and try to be a little more patient.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): I congratulate you on your decision of becoming clean and sober. It's a great start for you. Remember addictions can be transfered. You became somehow addicted to cannabis and alcohol because of unresolved emotional issues you have been carring God knows since when. It doesn't necesarily have to do with your wife. You can become addicted to people, to relationships, to food...etc. I'm telling you it's something you have to work on therapy.
Anyway It's been only a month and you are already giving up? It seems to me you are a control freak and are only in tune with your feelings and not with your partners. Notice how everything you write revolves around what you felt and what you have decided about the relationship. Trust is something you earn with your actions and with time. It's not something you can demand.
You've been with your partner for 9 years, you should know her well. There are alot of clues that show you are an emotionally unavailable man. These kind usually are workaholics. They manage subconciously to never have time for their family. They are always addicted to something and they had a painful abusive childhood. They have learned to become dettached to the people the are supposed to be intimate with because this is what they learned with their parents to avoid emotional pain. They tend to have superficial friendships and are always avoiding intimacy.
Recuperation is a process you've hurt and neglected her for too long. But if you are willing to make all things better you can and you should demonstrate it beyond your 'growing up'. She should see some major change in you. Tell her you want to go to therapy together, tell her you know you've messed up and you want to make it up to her. There will be arguments between you two (more) and she'll try to be defensive. Let her. The only way you can become a couple together is confronting and trying to heal old emotional wounds and beign persistent and mature about it.
If you stick to this I'm sure you'll find happiness again within your relationship. But remember you have to firt learn how to be happy for who you are, not for who accepts you or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Always, try and reestablish the friendship, when there's a fissure. Only then you will be able to revive the marriage. Ask her candidly to tell you again that "she needs time" and tell her how you actually like these words as sound like a postponement, not an end, and tell her you will wait. 9 years are too difficult to put aside, especially when a child is involved. But you have to show you've changed. The emotional involvement surely hurt her and she needs this time to ease that pain. The damage can be an opportunity to help others not relapse, you could perhaps get engaged in an "against-alcohol" group, promoting protective/preventing advice or do something constructive after this experience, based on it. What do you tell your partner that pushes her away? You should find a tactful and non-insisting manner of approaching her. If she feels pressurised into re-connecting to a normal couple's life, you haven't achieved anything. You must build the friendship [brick by brick,] like a proper mason. Why is she staying, have you thought? Is it because she's conservative? Thinking about the child? Whichever reasons, respect her request and don't act hastily/persistently. Your will should not seek to obstain immediate results, and concentrating on the relationship with your child will be beneficent to the family as a whole. Maybe you have neglected him during the time when you were using drugs, and you have to admire yourself for renouncing those substances, which admiration must reflect into the relation with the son. He is your main focus. Some families can become stronger after such occurences, but it's not been proved scientifically. If you make the son your first concern, everything will be easier, I assure you, even accepting you can't mend the situation perfectly or at all, but your wife surely would be delighted to see her son has a present and dedicated father and you will be able to be at least friends. That you should be [more than content with.] All the best dear.
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A
female
reader, dazzleberry +, writes (24 October 2007):
 Your situations ma not be as complicated as you think, you've realised that your family are more important than drug use which is a big step and you should be proud of yourself, on the flip side of this becoming emotionaly involved with someone other than you partner would still go down as a betrayl, you need to gain back your partners trust, your girl has let you no that she needs time although it has been a while the main thing is that you's still are living together, take this time to re-instate your love for her little things from the heart will let her no you still love her, i can't tell you what to do as you no your partner better than anyone but listen to what she needs. You could try councelling as this helps many couples, it will also let her no your serious about turning your life around. in all of this don't forget your an indivdual who also needs to be happy. I wish you and your family all the best.
Shine on, Dazzle x
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