A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi my partner and I have been together for 5 years our sex life has never been amazing it’s always just been boring even when I suggest something new he’s not interested we haven’t had sex now for 6 weeks so I knew he was up to something I looked at his phone history and seen he was visiting porn sites regularly at least 4 times a week but he always tells me he has a low sex drive I just don’t know what to do we are both 33 and I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship I have tried talking to him about this but he just clams up on me I don’t know what to do anymore surely after 5 years our sex life shouldn’t be this dull any suggestions on what I can do thank you
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porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 February 2019):
 But your sex life was never amazing anyway, you said. From the beginning he also told you he has a low sex drive.
Woman, listen! This is not difficult to grasp. The man is this way, always will be this way, and you knew that years ago and you still decided to stay with him. Nothing has changed! There is nothing to fix because nothing is broken! You decided to enter a relationship with a man who has different sexual needs than yours. That you need to either accept, or you need to end the relationship.
Watching porn and masturbating is NOT the same as wanting sex with a woman, so dont compare it. He wouldnt have wanted sex with any woman, you or anyone else. It doesnt reflect on you at all. He just doesn't have a high sexual drive.
If you are unhappy, either buy a sex toy or end the relationship. Sorry, but thats the bottom line here. And if you do end it, dont make the mistake again of thinking a man will change. If the sex is bad at the beginning, it will continue to be bad, and it's part of the package deal that you either accept or don't accept.
That being said, think about why you are in this relationship and what made you enter it. Maybe he has other qualities that makes it worth it. Surely, if sex was never amazing, there are other reasons why you stayed, and those reason may still be there, and may still make it worth it.
As for you: explore your sexuality on your own. Lots of great sex to be had solo.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 February 2019):
 Okay, so you have issues and he’s too childish to talk about them. How do you expect to make any progress? Why are you wasting your life with someone like this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 February 2019):
 If he refuses to talk, how can you two "fix" or negotiate anything?
I mean there are times when my husband and I disagree on something and I need time to think it over. He gives me time, but I don't ignore him or the issue. Because I'm not a kid. Adults HAVE to communicate. Compromise. Solve problems.
Withholding affection and sex in a relationship is really rarely helpful.
So maybe YOU have to decide is this viable for YOU long term, and your son... Is this non communicative man a good role model for HIM?
How is the rest of your relationship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): Why don't you try a temporary separation. May be being away from each other can introduce some spark to your relationship,if it doesnt why stay together. It appears you are not married and you don't have a baby between you that makes separation that much easier. I am sure you can find someone more compatible because I honestly think you can not make your current partner more amorous if he isn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): Having actual sex and masturbation are two different things. For a man, pleasuring yourself requires little time or effort. Pleasuring someone else requires more attention to their needs. People who have shifted their entire sex-life to pleasuring themselves are usually bored with their partner, porn-addicted, and/or there are problems in the relationship that has killed any desire to make-love to their partner.
Lets be realistic. Your sex-life is going to reach a plateau no matter what. Often libidos don't perfectly match, or one partner is more active in love-making than the other. If you lie there to let things happen to you; your partner will soon lose interest. If you're more active and creative; your partner is more likely to be happy to reciprocate.
Here's a big clue. How you treat each other outside the bedroom correlates with how you perform in the bedroom.
People who are affectionate and tactile, have very little trouble keeping their relationships healthy in all aspects. Sex is usually great, but still might hit a lull from time to time.
Some people hate each other and have total passion in the bedroom. They go after each other like rabbits! Apart from sex, they have more or less a love-hate relationship that doesn't really require either partner to care one way or the other what the other feels about the relationship. So they form a co-dependency; and try to tolerate each other. Often kids are the reason they stay together. Otherwise, they fight a lot.
Every relationship is different; but it's common in all relationships that sex gets predictable and boring. You always get these liars who try to make you believe they never have problems. Everyone gets bored with sex. Then things pickup, passion returns, you re-energize; and you're back on track.
A lot of men can't admit to their partners they're masturbating too much. It become habitual. If he admitted it, you'd be furious.
If your partner doesn't take an interest in spicing it up; passion is lost and perhaps there are other underlying issues that are eroding the romantic-connection between you. People don't know how to discuss intimacy issues or ask for more. If your partner doesn't care and isn't interested in trying; then you have to find-out..why? Good luck!
Maybe they're cheating, age or health is effecting their sex-drive, they've lost attraction to their partner; or they're tired of sex with the same partner. Porn is the usual culprit when men lose interest altogether; if there is no sign of cheating, no health issues, or suddenly hot-sex screeches to a halt. I hate to include this point, but some have come to DC and just admitted their partner has let themselves go and he has lost attraction for her. Oh, women find such a thing deplorable; but the penis will only get hard when it wants to. An issue you'll never understand.
Love and good communication resolves most bedroom-problems. People who know how to talk to each other can survive just about anything. If you fight a lot, you're generally incompatible, or you have uneven sex-drives; it's a difficult problem to solve in a relationship. Sometimes counseling helps, and maybe a romantic-vacation helps. Even a change in diet and a healthier lifestyle to include exercise restores the libido. You might have to give-up smoking and drinking.
If a guy is secretly using porn and lying about it. Not much you can do about that. I guess he has to face the actual possibility/probability of losing you as a partner to wake him up. These days, people have to face the worse case scenario to snap out of it. Effective-communication is becoming quite rare. Entitlement and selfishness is almost conditioned into modern-society from childhood. So love and trust has to be the motivational element that brings a couple together to tackle problems with intimacy and other issues in their relationship.
If you don't know why, not being able to talk to him ourselves; all we can do is speculate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): Thank you for your answer that’s also part of the problem he will not talk to me about anything we have split up due to this before if I try to talk to him about any problems with our relationship he gets up and walks out or he just jumps to the defence I can’t talk to him about anything
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2019):
You have the sex life you have chosen. UP to a point. You have stayed with him even if sex was MEEH and now non-existent.
If you tel la guy that your sex life with him is boring, no wonder he clams up.
As for the porn, well 4 times a week doesn't seem like much, but it also doesn't mean his libido is great or totally sunk.
Demanding sex rarely works. Whether you are male or female.
What has happened to slow it down? Or for it to come to a complete stop? What happened 6 weeks ago?
Maybe he DOES have a low sex drive and is "bad" at sex, but you have also CHOSEN to stay with him for 5 years, so obviously you get something from the relationship other than sex? I'm not saying you should be "grateful for what you get" but I think you need to figure out what is up.
No one has a MEEH sex life and then poof it gets fantastic over night.
It DOES take communication. Could be the reason his libido is "low", according to him, is because he doesn't KNOW how to do it well, or he is bored too but hasn't wanted to say anything to not hurt your feelings.
Maybe you need to try a different approach and talk to him. DON'T attack his ABILITIES as a lover or partner but start out with what you REALLY enjoy and miss from your sex life with him (not from past lovers).
See where that takes you.
It might also be that you two are sexually incompatible and then what?
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