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female
age
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anonymous
writes: We have a very stressful life with lots of painful issues about our children. Mental health and chronic drug addiction. And many other what is more ,than an average family can handle. My question needs a little longer time, but I try it short version So my husband developed a very severe sexual disorder, SUDDENLY.. Once ,he lost it in the middle of sex, and he never had a normal erection since than. He is not hugging or kissing,look in the eye,come close in bed... He is losing his erections right after he enters.He has night erections,and the doctor says he is fine . No heart or blood pressure issues. Hormones are good. Now, we have no sex life in the last five years, or affection, as he feels nothing . But here comes the tricky part, he says he loves me, and wants to be with me. He went to see psychiatrist,we had therapy together too. But he never could get a ''diagnosis''. He did try antidepressant,but nothing got better. My questions are-Is it possible not to know what is causing such a serious impotence, and sexual desire problems?-Can stress shot things down,that you never have a normal erection, and desire ,like NEVER?-Is it normal ,that Im getting very confused, because of the lack of DIAGNOSIS?????-How can I handle this, WITHOUT GETTING DEPRESSED?-What else can be done,where can I turn for answers?Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): Mens erections are sort of like when women get wet. It can happen when we don't want it to, it can refuse to happen when we totally do want it to, and sometimes with some guys the system really becomes a problem. The worst part can be the effect on our spouses. When we were younger men we practically couldn't stop our erections around our partners. Then when we get a little bit older it sets her up for a painful fall. Any kind of male sexual difficulty in middle age hits her like a ton of bricks. There is another VERY painful truth that I must mention. You won't like it but you really should have some understanding of this in case you have to deal with it. Your husband may still have a sexual response to flirtations from another woman. Or even porn. Im sorry but I have to warn you. I'm sure he would not want this and the guilt alone would make him feel like complete shit. But the system is not under his conscious control. Just like some women struggle to have the same sexual attraction with husbands they love and care about as they have with other men in illicit affairs or jerks they dated in the past. These women may feel completely awful about how their body is reacting but still be dealing with it. I don't know what to tell you except that the more pressure on him to perform the worse it will probably get. (That includes the pressure he puts on himself as much as pressure from you.) Don't keep talking about the whole thing too much when it's not helping, but do at least let him know that you don't want or need an erection and sex from him as much as you need the basic cuddling and affection to come back. He can do that and it won't threaten him to try it like actual sex might. The less of an expectation and demand sex is, the more able he will probably be to do it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): Thanks for answers!
I guess,it is all very different ,what people thinks, about age and sex. There are plenty of 50-80 years old out there ,who are having wild sex. I can't really see ,it could be true, that sex stop at 40.
It is hard t know what is the truth, and what is the myth.
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A
female
reader, Fedupwithlies  +, writes (22 September 2010):
I dont know how old you are so the last comment was kind of silly. My husband and I have a grown daughter and we are still young. We have plenty of sex. Aging doesnt end sex.
In respect to your situation it seems odd to me that your husband isnt affectionate with you. Even if my husband is not into "doing it" he still makes sure I am satisfied. If your husband still loved you and desired you wouldnt he want to please you sexually. Just because he has issues doesnt mean he cant take care of your needs.
I honestly wouldnt have stayed five years in this situation with a man who couldnt bring himself to touch me. I would have left him. What are you getting out of this relationship?
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 He is depressed, not because he doesn't desire you but because he is worried about your children...it would be enough to destroy any man's erections.You said they are a constant worry and that you have alot on your plate...so yes you are right...its stress thats causing him to lose his erection.Has he tried viagra?
Its a shame he hasn't been affectionate towards you but i guess its because he is worried that if he does start to cuddle you it will eventually lead to sex but he will let you down again when he cannot go through with it...hence a vicious circle. Maybe you should make the 1st move...show him some affection..no sex...just a cuddle...make him feel loved...you need it too!
I think the depression will go when the stress is removed...easy said then done i know but you cant keep going on like this. Has your children had any help with their drug issues etc? You and your husband cant carry the burden on your own...you will both crack...if you haven't done already...and sex is then,the 1st thing to go.
Anti-depressants i find, dont really work...they just mask the symptoms and then you have the horrible side effects to contend with.Maybe you should get a 2nd opinion...see another doctor...another consultant who deals with mental problems...you both need to get intimate again...loving gestures...making time for each other...make him feel wanted and special...leave the problems at the door for now...because they will always be there...dont neglect each other...your husband says he still loves you so thats a good sign.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Hello lady
at your age and his age, it is fairly normal to have reduced sex drive and erection issues. So pl do not worry much about it. Obviously you will help him by not asking any thing on that side and let him come up on his own. This trick works best. do not talk this topic, do not say and ket him take the lead, you become passive, and see it for next 6 months. There is great chances he will come back to reasonably normal
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