A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a wonderful, temperate, caring husband and father. He is such a great friend and I trust him completely, however, he hates and fears intimacy, sex and passionate kissing. We also have some problems in the communication department as he is a very dry and almost boring individual and I am very expressive and energetic. However, nothing bothers me as much as the intimacy issues. We have been married for 4 years and it just gets progressively worse. Last year we had sex around 10-12 times and I nearly had to force it each and every time. Also, I’ve noticed every time we’re supposed to make love, he always keeps himself busy until 1am or so when I’m too exhausted to even go at it!? He knows about this problem and even has told me he sometimes questions himself on why he would marry knowing how he doesn’t care for sex or kissing. He becomes almost stoic when I try to kiss him and it’s such a weird feeling. He says a few things that bother him with sex is he thinks of microbes when kissing and it disgusts him and my feminine odor also disgusts him from having sex (although he was very nice about it and I took care of the problem by using a Jamu herbal stick-they REALLY work by the by), but still no change of course. Oral sex is completely non-existent as he tried one time and nearly threw up because he says any body fluids totally disgust him. So what am I to do? I recently became so frustrated that I mentioned the D word and I did tell him that if we don’t get counseling , and actually get a resolution with his issues then I may not be able to stay married forever because I just can’t take living like this. On another coin, my ex that I had a child with 6 years ago, who I was completely in love with and had explosive sex with as well, has resurfaced a changed man. He had dumped me when I was pregnant due to fear and issues he had, but has since made restitution with all the people he’s hurt (at least tried) and I know he’s sincerely sorry for what he did at the time. He’s much more mature than he was and has expressed how much he regrets not marrying me at the time and what a great couple we were. And we REALLY were as we are very much alike and could really bounce off of each other’s energy, which is a problem that my husband and I have. I will be totally honest that I have thought about having an affair with my ex for the first time in my life, but I could not live with the guilt if I went through with it and would probably just file for divorce instead. The other issue is that we have 2 children together and we are adopting my nephew as well. and I really want my marriage to work but underneath it all I feel he will never truly change and actually WANT to kiss me and have sex (and passionate sex at that) or joke around with me and enjoy life a little. I don’t know, I’m just really unhappy I guess, but I don’t have it near as bad as others! What’s a girl to do?
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affair, divorce, kissing, my ex, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, katieandfelicity +, writes (8 June 2009):
Sexual attraction is a big deal. I waited for marriage for sex and most physical contact and know that i married the wrong person now. I am not sexually attracted to him and didn't know! I'm divorcing him for a lot of reasons (mainly abuse). It took me years to really come to a head about this. Books like "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum, and articles like this: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22825753/ made me really open my eyes. GOD created a system to tell us who we should mate with and be with. You can't deny it. And you'll never be happy outside of following your true self. There's nothing to be ashamed of wanting a good sex life - even having it as a priority. I hope your have a peaceful separation from him and find real satisfaction in life. BTW - be careful about the ex. Make him prove himself over a long period of time before you let your guard totally down there. Don't count on that as being the 'only' one out there for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Sounds like your husband needs some help, have you thought perhaps he maybe gay? Disliking the smell of femininity makes me wonder.If he refuses to get help then perhaps you need to come to some arrangement, an open marriage. Life is too short to deny yourself these needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRE: I'm just wondering why you got married to your current husband knowing how he is about sex. Sweetie, men don't change like that overnight, there had to have been signs that he wasn't a passionate lover when you married him.
My answer: He was a virgin when he married me and wanted to wait until we got married as we are Christians. This is why I didn't know the way he was.
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A
male
reader, malum424 +, writes (1 May 2009):
 I might be the only one to say this but leave your hubby. As a guy I can tell you we don't change. Plus it sounds like he has really sexual issues that run kinda deep, if the thought of touching your lady bits disgust him. As for your Ex don't hook up with him. He left you when you needed him must, just take sometime for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): "He had dumped me when I was pregnant"And you are considering taking this ex back after he abandoned you and your child? Feh..As to your stodgy husband, he might not be Mr Sex, but he didn't bolt when you had a kid with him either. He's more reliable. You can trust him without question. Surely that counts for something?But... you are too young to be that sexually inactive as a couple. You're not wrong about that. I'd say the hubby has to work on issues, like the bodily fluids making him gag thing, and.. hating the smell of femininity (wtf?). He sounds way to impressed with himself. Dude needs to lighten up. Therapy... get him to go to therapy by himself or a couples therapy w/ you.I still believe you shouldn't give up on him yet. If you are willing to believe some abandoner deadbeat ex can change, then you should also be willing to believe your uptight husband can change.
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A
male
reader, lssd90  +, writes (1 May 2009):
 Calm down,you just have to relax yourself.
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