A
male
age
41-50,
*tressedout26
writes:Me and my fiance have been together for almost four years now we have a beautiful daughter together. I just don't know what to do anymore I love her with all my heart but something has to change, I'll put it like this my gf makes me scared and nervous of having to try to come on to her to have sex cause fear of rejection I should not feel like that with my fiance. We cuddle all the time we watch our shows together and movies, we play games together but as of lately no sex. I broke up with her in sept because we were having problems, I have a son thats not hers, I got a girl pregnant 4months before me and my fiance got together, she used to treat him like he was hers until our daughter was born, then she switched, being mean always getting upset over little things he did wrong, telling me he's not my son, telling me I don't love her n my daughter unless I give him up shit like that, so I'm sorry but I had to break it off. Well we got back together by the end of oct, n to b honest the sex hasn't been the same since then it was at least twice a week now it's non-existent, her excuse used to b she needed birth control now she has it n shit hasn't changed, we used to b very sexual and spontaneous, did massages used toys had fun enjoyed ourselves now we none of that n when we do have sex if I'm lucky it's at night when we go to sleep. It's messing with my confidence, ive been rejected so many times by her since we got back together it scares me to try I used to never get turned down. I consider myself a good looking guy I workout everyday I dress nice take care of my kids, take my family out to places buy them things I mean I don't know what else to do. I've tried talking bout it and she says ohh u sound like a girl this is stuff girls complain about r u kidding me. I try foreplay n everything but she always stops me somehow before we I get any further. I just don't understand, I think could it b anybody else but I doubt it she's pretty much always home. I mean everything is there but the sex, we didn't even have sex on v-day or her b-day wich is a day later. I don't want to argue or force the issue cause I feel it might just drive her away so lately I just been keeping it in, starting to make feel shitty bout myself like I'm not good enough or something, what do I do
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male
reader, stressedout26 +, writes (18 February 2011):
stressedout26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally agree and I do want a stable life and marriage who doesn't. I have thought about maybe she is using me but to be honest when me and my fiance first got together I wasn't made of money I had a mediocre job and I was a really big guy so she got with me when I wasn't anything. Since we have been together she and my kids made me want to make myself a better person now I am successful with my own business. Also I have lost lots of weight like a hundred pounds and turned myself into great shape nice six pack and no more man boobs but muscles, so I also now have to deal with her getting jealous all the time but I am not a cheater and never will she got with me when I wasn't who I am today that's why I have not given up on her but the turning down thing is starting to affect me and I have tried talking to her but she isn't the emotional talking type believe me I've tried. We talk about marriage all the time and our lives I've also helped her, she has a nice job goes to college for her nursing degree. Part of the deal with us getting back together was that she had to accept my son if she wanted to be a family and she agreed to it, but she has her off days and on days, it seems we get along more when he's not here then when he does come she can be rude, and argumentative but it drives me crazy cause I feel she only does it cause she knows it gets to me because she can be nice and she does love him and he must love her cause when we was broke up he would always ask for her. As her being tired we both do our parts of taking care of the kids by the way my daughter is two and my son turned three today. I don't know sometimes I do think she may love me but feels secure with me and I'm the father of her daughter so she does what she can do minimum to make it work I don't know, in my book when you love someone you try to make them happy and take there feelings into consideration. That's another thing when we get in arguments she says really mean stuff to me and acts as if it ain't nothing like there's no remorse, sometimes I want to end it but I'm scared of being alone. When we broke up sept I tried getting back with her a week later and she rejected me and I kept tryn for another week and I got nothing no calls no talking no nothing she would ignore and not talk to me at all, it wasn't until I stoped bothering her and stoped sitting round the house mopping and going out that all of sudden she wants to talk and get back together and I do think I made the wrong choice I think I made off of just missing being with someone. How do I know if she really loves me or not
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): You are probably wasting your time here. If you will consider my advice, you need to worry less about getting sex and less about her rejecting you for sex and more about the lack of stability both in yourself and your partner. It is good to have an intimate, sensual bond. But it should be with a stable, caring and sane partner. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm probably a dinosaur, because I believe that the kids and the parents are best served by relationships (including sex as well as emotional support) that are centered in marriage and family. Please focus on getting your life together, and don't focus on what an unstable lover has to say about your needs. She is just using you, in my estimation, to get her own needs, wants (whatever) met. It doesn't make her a bad person per se, she may really love you and the kid or kids in your life. But now you have to THINK, and THINK HARD, about what the future is going to look like for both of you if you continue on in this fashion. You want a family? GET a family. That means marriage, and to a sane, respectful, sympathetic, and cooperative partner. Don't get me wrong, marriage is also hell if done incorrectly. In the partnership, you need to decide what it is you want, realize that it is going to COST you time, emotion, commitment, and planning, and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Don't be controlled by your past, by an abusive spouse, be a deceptive partner. Focus on being a good parent to your kids, get a grip on how you are approaching your life, and implement sound change. Be prepared for the fact that change is uncomfortable, that you will make mistakes, that the stakes are high for you, your children, and any partner you have. Be honest, be open, and be willing to give in equal measure what you demand from a partner. Finally, if you do wind up wife hunting at some point, as opposed to this serial taking of girlfriends, look for a girl who has character, whose family is well spoken of, whose life is stable, and who has both the social/spiritual/emotional values as well as attractive/gainfully employed or whatever your particular preferences are before you commit. In the vernacular, you can do better. Seriously, you can do so much more with your life, spare yourself so much pain, and live a great life with just some planning, discipline and faith. Best success to you and to yours!!
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 It sounds like your fiance has changed since your daughter came along. Does the little boy feel left out now because he will be picking up on the change in the environment also when he comes over. your fiance could have many reasons why she shuns you at the mention of sex. She could be really tired as looking after young children can be extremely tiring. Some times birth control can lessen libido. There could be lots of things why. The reason why you parted, has she forgiven you properly yet? You may have to start wooing her again to see if you can rekindle your love with each other or you may simply have to tell her that you feel rejected and see if she will talk about her true feelings for you. From what y ou write it seems that you could be the ideal family so there's got to be a more underlying issue if you are not completely happy in that.
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