A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years and am not really sure what to do.My husband and I had a great sex life when we first met. We have been together for 8 years now. Our sex life started to go down hill about 2 years into the relationship. At first we would have sex everyday, then every couple of days until the past 4 years we have only had sex 2 times a year. I have always been a very sexual person and enjoy it a lot. I am not really sure what to do about this. We have been having problems in our marriage, this is the major problem for me. We fight about this all the time. I do not know what to do.I have tried sending him text messages. Calling him. I have even joked that if his friends knew what I texted him, they would not let him live it down that he did not leave to head home right then. I guess my question is what advice do people have for me about this. Also if this is the main problem for me in our marriage, should I stay and just satisfy myself, or leave and end up with other problems?Thanks for all of your help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I believe there is hope for you to resolve this issue and continue your relationship more fulfilled. I've been married over 10 years, and had a period where I started to lose confidence in bed. I became afraid I was not satisfying my wife - e.g. able to bring her to orgasm. I felt that I would come to quickly too often, before she could reach orgasm. I would rarely get a second erection to continue on to satisfy her. I sensed she was not into it. This set off a sort of emotional and psychological slide down a slope to despair for me. I thought that if I were a good lover for her, and able to satisfy her, then why wouldn't she want sex every day? Although she disliked talking about her satisfaction - she said she "hated" to be badgered after every sexual encounter as to whether she'd had an orgasm or not -- but after much agony (mostly my own private tortured thoughts) we had a series of very open conversations that resolved the issue. In them, we confronted the fact that after over 10 years of marriage, its not surprising if either or both of us got a little bored. I think she did (get bored), and had a few ongoing fantasies (She says she never cheated and I believe her). But if she's not interested in sex (with me), then it killed my confidence and libido. I almost could even masturbate at this point (which for a guy is pretty significant). This was a frustrating ordeal overall, but in the end our marriage is stronger than ever, and I came to realize all the truths that helped me through it (which you can read about on any good self help board like this):1) My wife loves me. Keeping that thought in your head can be an immense source of confidence.2) Every session does not have to result in orgasm for her. It's OK if I come and she doesn't. It's not a disappointment. Often its simply not a possibility due to all the emotional factors that must be right for it to occur.3) Even if I could make her come 100% of our sessions, she wouldn't want it every day. (Thus, I removed the false conclusion that "since she didn't want sex constantly I must be doing it wrong.")Now, I recommend you read up on what makes men tick emotionally, psychologically and sexually. There's a good website about "10 things women should know about men" (google it). Second, try different things. Buy a good book like Joy of Sex and read it with him, so he can learn to please you with his hands, toung, etc. Ask him to watch you while you masturbate (that should get him good and hard). Watch a porno movie together. Buy a vibrator and show him how to please you. Give him confidence - hell, you had a great sex life for 2 years, so he's got it in him to do it! (I don't get the 'he doesnt like blowjobs' thing, though...). Also, tell him a fantasy you had when you were young, and ask him one he had. Not that you would necessarily do the fantasy, but thinking about it will arouse him. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (17 February 2009):
 It's interesting that you mentioned that the sex and teh relationship seemed to go downhill after he lost rights to his daughter. It reminded me that the time I stopped having sex with my husband was right after my dad died. My husband and I both look back at that time and see a clear connection, even though it wasn't clear at the time.
Our sexuality is intimately connected with our emotional lives. Maybe your husband is acting out his fear of emotional intimacy by declining to have sex.
From your description, it seems as if your husband has a lot of emotional issues to work out. He also sounds very resistant to working on those issues. It puts you in a very bad spot.
You can't make him change; the only person you can change is yourself. So you have a choice: to live with things as they are, or not. And the only way you can choose to not live with things as they are is to leave. It must be very hard.
You do have another option, which is to speak to your husband sincerely about your feelings and tell him you're at the breaking point--that if he doesn't resolve some of his issues, and in particular the ones that keep him from having a fulfilling sex life, that you are going to move on.
I know that's a very serious step to take, and I don't necessarily recommend it. That's something only the people concerned can decide.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully both of you can get something out of the discussion process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has told me very little about his past marriage. He does not like to talk about it. I know his first marriage they went to financial counseling and she ended up cheating with the counseler. His second marriage she cheated with a younger guy and ran off.So I guess both marriages ended due to sex. I am not really sure what I should due about this. He is a very private person and does not like counseling. He especially will not talk to anyone about our sex issues. I do not know where to turn to get any kind of help, so I thought I would turn here.I am also trying to decide what do with all of this. I need the physical part of our relationship, but when I tried to talk to him about it he has completely shut me out of his life. He has become very controlling and does not trust me ever since I discussed this with him. I know that the signs point to him cheating, but his check equals the hours he is at work. Unless he is cheating at the shop, he does not have time. He has also started to gambling a lot. This is also something he has had issues with in the past.I really appreciate all the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): Then, let's be more assertive, maybe even aggressive. He's supposedly not as confident right? He could be making excuses, we don't know for sure. Well, we obviously don't know, but you might not know for sure.
However, I re-read your reply and noticed two distinct problems. The part with the child seems like he needs to open up his thoughts on this. Have you actually talked with him about this? Open up his mind, delve into his thoughts, take a hold of his ideas, his frustrations, etc.
I'm wondering if he is associating his past marriage with you. Why did they divorce? Hmm? Was sex a part of that divorce? Maybe she said something to him during that period of separation to do with this.
Something like this, unfortunately, would either call for you to be patient and hear him up slowly and gradually, as he feels comfortable and eventually with some assertion on your part, without oral, you might be able to arouse him to deliciousness. Have you ever tried pulling him, kissing him, getting him hard, etc? Cetaphil.
Anyway, we're all missing information here, so whatever you can provide would be swell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur sex life did seem to decrease very closely to when we got married. It actually seemed to go away after he gave up all rights to his daughter. He had not seen her for about 5 years, then when he started to be in her life the mother was not happy that he got married. So she was making it impossible for them to have any relationship by making him the bad guy for taking her every other weekend. She would not let the child stay at friend her weekend and then say she could on her fathers weekend so she would not want to come for the weekend. I know this is when our marriage really went downhill. It was completely his choice and I said we could fight for custody if he wanted, but this is the choice he made that was best for all involved. Before you ask I did get along with this child.I have talked to him about our sex life and he says he wants to have sex, but is scared he will not satisfy me. I have tried to explain to him that foreplay is more important to me then the actual intercourse. He just does not listen to me. I do not know what else I can do. He is very plain when it comes to sex, it get boring and I do not reach orgasm. When we first met he was very good in bed and wanted it all the time. Now sex consists of him coming in and touching my boobies, once or twice, and then climbing on for about a 3-4 minutes. What else can I do to help. I have offered oral sex, and he does not like it and never has.I am really having a difficult time with this. I do not know what else I can do to get him to understand. I will not cheat on my husband, both of our ex's did this to us and I could never make someone feel the way I felt. Please help me, I have put way to much into this relationship and have 4 kids, so I do not want to walk away, but I can't see myself living like this for another 30-40 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): What do you mean "leave and end up with other problems"?
Other than that, I think you should leave and look for someone that can satisfy you sexually, since this is an important factor in your life. You are not shallow. You are just trying to be happy. I know a LOT of women that grew to resent their husbands for unable to provide sexual fulfillment. Can you imagine yourself living for the next 20 to 30 years just rubbing yourself to get off? Eventually you'll hate him so much, you're going to just go ride the first willing guy you see off the streets. Rather than allowing yourself the chance to cheat on him, take the chance to break it off now and find someone who will meet a mutual desire with you.
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female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (17 February 2009):
I don't know the answer of whether sex is so important that you should leave your husband even if other parts of your marriage are satisfactory. Only you can answer that.
I think you should sit down with your husband and explain to him sincerely without criticizing him how important sex is to you. Maybe if it helps you feel more connected to him you should mention that too so he knows it's not just about satisfying a sexual itch.
It sounds like you're argued about this topic, so it might be challenging to have a neutral, open discussion about it. If necessary, insist on couples counseling so you both can have a neutral ground on which to discuss what's important to each of you in your marriage. If you do, you both will probably learn more about yourselves and what you want out of marriage.
Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I can't say if this is the *main* problem in your marriage, but it's certainly one of the problems, and from your tone of posting, a major one at that.You've said you fight about this all the time; have you ever been able to just talk about this without a fight? I assume he's avoiding these talks out of shame or some such; it's hard to feel love from one's wife when we know we're not keeping her happy.Is he working harder than usual these last four years, due to a promotion or some such? *Something* has caused the change; you say that your sex life started declining two years into the relationship; this would be around the time you got married, yes? Does your husband have ideas about sex with wives vs sex with girlfriends/lovers - a "madonna/whore" mindset? What's his upbringing on sex, marriage, etc?I've got to ask this, just to be thorough - you say there are problems in the marriage; I assume you mean there are other conflicts besides sex. Is there a possibility that he's having an affair? If he's putting emotional/sexual energy into another relationship, however fantasyland it would have to be, that would lessen his attention to you and your marriage. Does he still seem to love you and want to be with you, despite the lack of sex, or is that one of the symptoms of an overall lack of interest?
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