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female
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*adia
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. he gets very moody when I don't want to have sex and acts like a child. I do not like to have a lot of sex and so feel guilty that I am not interested enough - do I have a problem? If we had sex five times a week he probably would not complain. Currently we have sex around 2-3 times a week, and both work full time (no children). What do you think? Apart from this issue we get along very well, which makes it even more upsetting.thanks
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (13 July 2005):
 Compromise and offer three to four times weekly if he makes all about your pleasure. Men feel validated and loved via sex as women feel validated when listened to and romanced. So if you both agree to do a bit more for each other in the ways that make the other feel loved, how can you go wrong?
Just put in a clause that every third time you don't feel like it, you can use a-get-out-of-bed-free-card. He could use a similar card for you (get-out-of-shopping-free-card?)
The point being that you both make the relationship as good as possible for the other and ideally, you both agree to do so. It is okay to say that you don't feel like, but will since you love and appreciate them. It is okay to do for the other just because you love them and want them to be fulfilled.
If you think about it, most people get into relationships to get what they can out of it. But so long as the couple members stay in that frame of mind, no one gets what they need.
Even if he doesn't do for you right away, give it about 6 weeks. If at that time you are unhappy with the way your relationship is headed, re-evaluate. If nothing else, you will shine light on problem areas.
All relationships take work. No long term love lasts without both members on occasion going out of their way for the other. If he doesn't reciprocate or appreciate your effort- you can always write back!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (13 July 2005):
I think 2-3 times a week is about average. He's got the problem, not you.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 July 2005):
 Whatever you do, don't let your boyfriend read what 'Pops' said below! 'You should be doing it daily, and several times each day at the weekends'! There is no should or shouldn't about it! He is assuming that you are young but you don't say your age and even if you are, it doesn't mean to say you 'should' be having sex all the time!
You work full time and you make love about 2 or 3 times a week. According to the statistics, that is considered normal but we are all individuals and unique with different needs and wants.
Quality is certainly more important than quality. Do you both enjoy what you do? I think you need to talk to your other half and decide whether you are both pleasuring each other enough and then decide on a compromise.
A lucky couple have exactly the same sex drives. Mismatched sex drives are a common problem. You need to meet half way and respect each other while doing so. I should think tiredness plays a role here but your boyfriend sulking when he doesn't 'get it' will only add to resentment building and other problems.
Explain to him how you feel and the effect his attitude has on you. Think of ways of adding a bit more excitement to your sex life (such as making love outdoors or sharing a luxurious bath together).
Explain to him how the way he reacts actually puts you off having sex with him but that you would like him to be happy so try to decide together a way of compromising such as making love a little more often but perhaps more spontaneously when you aren't feeling tired and stressed.
Try to work together to achieve this.
I hope this helps.
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reader, lucy +, writes (13 July 2005):
Talk it through. Tell him exactly how you feel about the situation and i am sure that he will be more understanding, as maybe he thinks that the reason you won't have sex as often as he wants is due to other reasons such as you don't feel attracted to him etc. etc. so explain to him the real reason and hopefuly he should understand. You do not have a problem at all. Different people have different sex drives.xxx
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reader, pops +, writes (13 July 2005):
Why are you together? Do you talk to each other about sex, or just fight about it when one wants it and the other doesn't? Sex is ADULT FUN. You are suppose to laugh, and PLAY with each other. You are suppose to want to pleasure him and he should want to pleasure you. There are times when this can't happen, and then masturbation is the way to go.( NO sense feeling bad because your playmate doesn't want to come out to play!) If you love him, and its sounds like you do, stop keeping book on how often you do or do not have sex. Its not about quantity. Its about quality, and enjoying each others company and attention. If you don't feel about him that way, you need to answer my first question. Same question is for him to answer. And I would give him the same advice. He needs to stop thinking only of his own " needs" and be more considerate of your needs. If you are as young as you sound, you should be doing it daily, and several times each day on weekends. If you are tired when you get home, take a shower together in the morning and finish your shower with sex either in the shower, or the bedroom, or wherever you land. I can personally recommend morning sex as the best way to start your day. pops
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