A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years, the relationship is going alright, however certain things are making me feel a little unappreciated, and I know this sounds selfish, but it's all to do with sex.For the first year, the sex was adventurous, fun, lively and spontaneous. Lately this has sort of just, stopped! I told myself I would make a move till she did and we didn't have sex for 5 weeks!!Also, she has never gone down on me properly. On holiday she did a few times but for around 10 seconds and that was it.I'm not saying I need sex and blow jobs to feel appreciated but the lack of instigation and giving from her just makes me feel like I'm unattractive and useless. I've tried talking to her and I always get the same response... "she's not yet 100% comfortable around me... And all the fun in the first year was false, and just to keep me interested"Any male and female views on this? There must be guys and girls that gave been on similar situations. Thanks.
View related questions:
blow-job, on holiday, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 "I'm not saying I need sex and blow jobs to feel appreciated..."
You say that, but:
"...the lack of instigation and giving from her just makes me feel like I'm unattractive and useless."
There is no shame is wanting and needing a physical affirmation of love and intimacy. That's kind of the point. You're not a bad person for having a sex drive, or for wanting to feel needed and desired by your girlfriend. I know you're trying not to "force" her into anything, but there is a world of difference between expecting a healthy, normal sex life and trying to force her into something.
Now, when she said the first year was false love, that means one of two things: Either she pulled the old bait and switch (which is absolutely wrong of her), or she is deliberately trying to hurt you by lying about it (which is absolutely wrong of her).
On top of that, saying she is not 100% comfortable around you is usually just a female code-word for not being attracted enough. I say that, because when I or others I've known have responded by trying to be more intimate (cuddling, having deep talks about her feelings, taking her out more to show that we are interested in her for more than sex), the only result has been for her to pull further away. Maybe she doesn't even understand the feelings herself, and is just using a word that might fit - I don't know. I do know that when a girl says she's not 100% comfortable, oddly enough, trying to *make* her more comfortable doesn't work. What has worked for me is to take the premise that a woman feels "comfortable" with a more intimate and attentive man, then throw that out the window.
Instead, assume a woman feels most comfortable with a powerful, independent, dominant man (maybe that's a throwback to caveman days, when the strong, confident man was the one who could protect her best). Tell her that you've never done anything to deserve less than 100% of her trust, and that the rest is up to her. Remain confident, assertive, and dominant, in and out of the relationship, and act as though you expect her to come around on her own.
Personally, I would leave any woman who said that her affections were false, for any reason. What I've presented above is a solution if you don't want to leave, but keep in mind that a confident, strong man is willing to walk away if things are intolerable - and she wants a confident, strong man. It's counterintuitive, but sometimes the things we are willing to lose are those that we are most able to keep. Give her an open, fair, and honest shot at dealing with her own emotional issues, and be there for her, but on your own terms.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): You initiate instead. If you want something then you just have to get it, by that I mean you have to guide her gently back into a place where she wants to have sex.
Look the honeymoon period of lots of sex and at the drop of a hat is over, you have to work her into it now and you have change tactics. If she really was being wild to impress you then it's time you made sex a deeper more meaningful and loving thing.
OP spontaneous, adventurous sex is only really frequent in the beginning. After two years you kind of know someone inside out and it can become routine. Also that whole ducking off somewhere in public for a quickie of tearing the clothes off each other as soon as you walk in the door, that goes away mostly.
So very confused hit the nail on the head. "I often turn down sex but I never turn down a good cuddle and that often leads to sex…" You have to change strategy.
I have a feeling she's not comfortable because you're putting a hell of a lot of pressure on her to perform. You're putting too much pressure on her being able to give you wild passionate sex like the early days still. That's just going to have the opposite effect. Plus that whole wait until she initiates stuff is a bit childish OP. If she wasn't attracted to you she wouldn't be your girlfriend.
As for feeling useless you're making no sense. It's like your car has a flat tyre and you talk about changing but instead do nothing and feel useless.
Look the majority of long term relationships I've been in the sex has changed after 18 months to 2 years, it hasn't died but evolved into a more loving act. The wild passion of the beginning fades and it becomes a deeper expression of love. You're still treating it as sex.
You have to approach this as so very confused's guy does and work her into with lots of cuddles and affection. It can take a bit longer to get her into the mood but it's your job to get her there in the first place and for god's sake stop talking about it with her. We all can have periods in time when our libido goes down, outside stressors can have a big impact on it and you putting the pressure on is just going to take longer for that to happen. This may well be temporary but the only way you'll know is if you leave her alone about it and just kiss, cuddle and hold her make out for a while, let her get in the mood. The whole idea of initiating is one that can actually be very unsexy for a person who's libido has dropped because they equate that then with pressure, hassle and more stress. If you want to be spontaneous then just let it happen naturally. Most of all though OP, give her a break and plenty of encouragement. Let her know how much she means to you, how beautiful she is and not just because you want sex, and especially don't say those things just to initiate sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): We do cuddle on the couch or in bed but it hardly ever leads to sex unless I instigate it. I always instigate any sort of passionate kiss and 9 times out of 10 there is never any touching or foreplay from her prior to sex. In fact, it's been over a year since a random handjob from her.
We don't live together but often spend a night on a hotel or have the house to ourselves but nothing happens unless I make the move. Last weekend we spent the night away and I went down on her for over an hour, gave her several orgasms yet she never touched me.
With regards to the blow job, she says she wants to do it, but she's not comfortable. It confuses me so much. It's such a sensitive subject that we argue quite alot about.
I'm the original poster by the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Well since you’ve talked to her I can’t suggest talking to her… but I would suggest you clarify her answer as it does not make sense to me….
You have been together for two years. You are sexually active and yet she says she does not feel comfortable around you…. Did you seek clarification on this statement? It would confuse me… and I would not be satisfied with that as a response. I would see it as an excuse to be honest.
Are you saying she never wants to cuddle on the couch or in bed? Do you guys live together???
I often turn down sex but I never turn down a good cuddle and that often leads to sex…
Now as for the going down on you… maybe she does not like doing it… in which case you are going to have to accept that… if she is not doing it because she is not sure how, that can be fixed…. If she is not doing it because she does not like doing it, that’s the way it is. Just like if you don’t like going down on her she has to accept that as a limitation of your relationship.,…
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Sounds to me like she's justifying that first year by describing it as something akin to an entrapment... and, now that she has you hooked, she's showing you the REAL her... who is non-sexual and non-sensual.
I just got out of a seven year arrangement like that and have found a girl who genuinely likes intimacy and sex... and I haven't been this happy in 6 years.... Time for YOU to move on, similarly....
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Well, how is your relationship with her? Have you two had any recent problems, arguments, or issues that would cause her to be less intimate with you? If not, then something may be lacking in the bedroom (excitement, spontaneity, fun...), and/or things have become a bit too routine/predictable for her. Things like this tend to happen in a lot in relationships- where in the beginning, not only sex, but the relationship itself starts off great. But as time goes on, things become a bit stale. You may need to spice things up. In regards to her going down on you. It's going to be a bit difficult for her to give you 100% when she's not really in the mood to be intimate with you right now anyway. And barring the possibility that it's just something she's not into, I can see how she may only give you a few seconds of pleasure. If it was early on in the relationship, I'm sure she would've lasted longer- or made more of an effort. I advise that you try communicating with her again. And if one-on-one communication is not working, I think it would be best for you two to see a couples counselor- and maybe even a sex therapist to get to the root of the problem.Here's some additional reading that may be beneficial for you...http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-its-important-to-keep-your-relationship-exciting.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/guys-create-a-plan-list-for-a-romantic.html* The below article was written for women. But just substitute the word man for woman, he for she, etc., and read what's written. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ideas-to-keep-the-romance-alive.html Best of luck!
...............................
|
