A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help.I'm concerned about my boyfriends sexual orientation/preference.We have been dating for 4 years now, as the 4 years have progressed his sexual habits have changed. He isn't tame , it's always got to be depraved , he's always got to have me dressed in latex, we always have to do disgusting things (I.e ejaculating on my face, choking me etc) , it's never love making , it's always got to be rough. Well about a year ago he admitted he likes prostate massage (which I have no problem with) but that has become something he wants every time, so much so, he got a strap on for me. He always wants me to rim him ( every time) and recently he admitted he likes she-male/trans porn, he said he likes the idea of a she male and he would engage in sexual activity with one with no limits.I was okay with prostate massages, but what does this recent obsession mean?Help! I'm really confused. Our sex is becoming just sexual gratification for his sordid fantasies.I feel sick thinking about it and always dread it. Is he gay? Does he watch too much porn?What's your opinions please?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 December 2018):
 My opinion is that you should stop having sex with him immediately. No weaning, no compromises. Just stop cold turkey. Tell him you find it all revolting. Keep it brief and very blunt.
Then silence.
Do not try to soften the blow or spare his feelings. Do not explain anything or try to validate your point. Your disgust and outrage could be the wake up call he needs.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 December 2018):
 I've had the exact same experience. My ex was into porn, but he was also sexually abused as a child. He also had a brain tumor (don't know if it was related to the abuse) and had a memory black out. I remember he had told me his obsession with shemales was that it allowed him to feel dominant over a man, and only shemales would let you dominate them because they had the feminine quality which allowed them to be submissive. I guess it is a way to come to terms with the trauma and cope with the fact that he had been violated. It was not the sexual acts themselves like rimming and prostate massage that had adverse effects on me emotionally and psychologically. It was something darker than that. When you have sex with a person you absorb their energy. So it is very important that your partner is healthy mentally. After being with my ex and experiencing break up, I had the worst emotional despair and had anxiety attacks. It was like some dark energy took over. Your partner became dependent on prostate massage in order to orgasm, which means regular sex with women is not satisfying at all. If you think that love conquers all and can save a person, don't even try. He surely talked a lot about shemales, had he actually been with one? The only reason why he is with a woman is because, and before I explain that I first have to say that "shemale" is a derogatory term only used in the sexual industry. Transgendered people are also people with feelings. They are not toys to be exploited then discarded once you get bored with them. You could only pay someone to willingly perform sordid fantasies. It is risky and you might get an STD. Still, it is unfair to start a relationship with a woman and then expect her to act out a role that is unnatural for her, in the disguise of just spicing up sex life like regular couples do. I am not saying your partner must have had abuse. His need for sordid fantasies is helping him cope with something negative, whatever that is. I am not able to say if sexual abuse could change people's sexual orientation. With or without a label, I can tell your partner has an unhealthy sexuality. The need to feel dominant cycles itself over and over again through perpetuator and victim. You have no business in dealing with this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2018): People who over-indulge their fetishes and watch a lot of porn; usually continue to pursue and explore new territory.
They get-off on what you consider "depravity." They derive their uninhibited pleasure from the idea of how over-the-top or how dark it is. Controversy and shock is their motivation; and how they find satisfaction, or to reach climax. Those are the elements needed to gratify their tastes.
The anonymous reader who first responded is correct; you are sexually incompatible.
You are pushing yourself beyond your own psychological limitations. Stepping far outside your own comfort-zone.
You will never change or "tame" him. You can only attempt to "suppress" his needs. He will then go underground, become secretive, or play behind your back. That's what you're trying to avoid. However, you're beginning to realize there seems to be no end or limit to his sexual curiosities. Nothing he won't try.
Like those experimenting with drugs, the objective is to seek a longer and better high. To raise their adrenaline and increase the rush of dopamine. Their minds are constantly on sexual-gratification; to the point of obsession and addiction.
Everyone has their own particular "kink." The thing is keeping things tame enough for your partner to remain consensual and to receive some mutual-pleasure in these unusual activities.
You give these type of people an inch, and they will take the proverbial mile! It's like you've set the devil loose! Once the floodgates are open, there is no turning back. It comes at you in waves you aren't prepared to handle; and you even feel dirty when they're finished. I myself have tried pleasing someone beyond my own experience; and it took me weeks to get over it. I've never allowed myself in a situation like that again. It was just too much for me.
Others may not agree. I am gay. I would conclude that he is gay-curious. He can fantasize, but have no real attraction to men. If he has sex with a man, and continues to practice man-on-man sexual-activity; he is most certainly gay! You can call it bi-sexuality; if he also enjoys sex with women.
I would urge you to get out of this relationship. It will traumatize you. You're being forced to go against your own values and natural sexual-desires. You are witnessing things that your own mind interprets as depraved and sordid. To continue will have adverse-effects on you. both emotionally and psychologically.
I would even suggest that you see a therapist to help you to wean yourself of your total submissiveness to be, more or less, his sex-slave. You are compelled to please him, out of a natural desire to please your mate; but you go beyond your own boundaries and moral-restraint, out of fear of losing him. That's not healthy for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2018): You're just a sex toy after 4 years and you are growing more and more resentful. With good reason. Yes, he watches too much porn. Yes, he is attracted to men pretending to be women. Yes, he is likely fantasizing while having sex with you. Yes, it could reach a point he will grow bored with you and cross the line. This is what you fear. That he will take his super charged, kinky sex drive outside your relationship. Does he LOVE you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 December 2018):
 Does he watch too much porn ? Perhaps.
Does it matter? No, like the first anon said, you two are incompatible sexually and YOU are making all the "sacrifices" and compromises for HIS enjoyment sexually... that is a SURE way to "kill" your libido and make sex a chore - for you.
What are you getting out of this? Sounds like you are a more of a prop in his fantasies than his equal in bed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2018): He could be pansexual, ie. attracted to all genders. But I feel like his sexual orientation isn't the problem here. The main issue is that you're being made to take part in sex acts that you don't enjoy and admit you find "disgusting". Why are you putting up with that? If that's the kind of sex he's "got to" have, then I don't think you're in the right relationship. Your preferences and feelings matter too. Let him go and find someone to have his "depraved" sex with - some people are into it, but you're not and that's okay! You can move on and find yourself a caring lover who will make love the way you desire. You can both have what you want, but there's just no way you can have it together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2018): It’s not about being gay or not; it’s about you being incompatible sexually. Leave him. I mean it; you’re not getting anything out of this.
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