A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI’ve been in a relationship for just over seven months and it’s been amazing up until recently. Before I ask my question, here’s a bit of background that I hope will help…My ‘girlfriend’? and I met and it was very much love at first site. We we’re long distance for a while but then began working together voluntarily part time and then I spent about 20 nights of the summer in home city with her family. Her family we’re very welcoming and we had a lovely time, however she never wanted us to tell her Mum the fact that we were more than friends, although obviously her Mum did pickup on a few things. In late August I left my e-mail signed in as ‘remember me’ and her Mum went into my e-mails. She read an e-mail from a family member I really dislike that was really abusive and accused me of being things I’m not. Later that week she went back into my e-mails where history of communication between the two of us was and thus read all our personal messages and found out about our relationship (to which I didn't have a go at my gf/complain). I met with her Mum a week later and came clean about everything, she then decided to escort us everywhere on our long distance trips with our voluntarily work etc, but said she wouldn’t stop us seeing each over/being friends.In early September I found out that we had to vacate our family home and as I’m on a gap year I decided to move to my girlfriends home town so I could support her, as she’s still studying and her parents are divorcing after living separated. Both her Mum and her were very welcoming and offered to help with move and even invited my parents round (however they didn’t go). My girlfriend liked me living here as she could see me and as she has had a really tough few weeks, it helped – everything was going great!Two weeks ago, I got a text from my gf saying she felt we were ‘drifting apart’ which was so random! She later messaged me saying she had felt anxious/uneasy with all stress and that she was worried I’d give up on her with all her problems at the moment.The next day I was at her house and she was about to go out and meet a friend as was I (separately), her Mum didn’t believe her and thought we were going out together without asking and an argument erupted where she told me that my gf had to ask her Dad if we wanted to meet up and that she was annoyed my parents didn’t go round to meet her. That night I rang my girlfriend to see if she was ok and after having time to herself with her friend, things were back on track and she said stuff like she wished ‘I was there with her right now’ etc.The following day (unbeknown to me) my parent rang her Mum to arrange to meet after not being able to the other weekend. From that moment onwards it’s been hell! Despite the call going well, my girlfriend lost on message said she didn’t need extra stress etc. She didn’t really speak with me, however we had work commitment Tuesday where I had to meet her so Monday night I rang her demanding to know what was up as she’d suddenly become cold as ice like someone had flicked a switch. She asked me to pretend nothing was wrong next day and that she would talk to me during day. On Tuesday I found out that her Mum had said she wants her to have nothing to do with me all of a sudden, that she doesn’t like me and that she disputed my character from the content in the e-mail. She said she was confused and it was ‘my word against her Mum’s’ – to which I said I understand how confusing it must be and that I promise her she’s got to know the genuine me. She said she needed space, to which I tried to respect but it was hard after not finding out for days.On the Thursday I sadly got talking with a friend of hers who asked how I was (knowing the situation) and I expressed how I was scared of losing her/worried about her. She fed it back to my gf and she was livid, as she asked if I’d spoken to her friend to which I admitted but didn’t make clear the extent of what we discussed. Later that night out of the blue sayings ‘it’s over’, to which I didn’t reply to as I couldn’t, her Mum also tried to ring me as well. I didn’t respond until Saturday when she asked to phone me. She rang me two times to speak but cried both times. She later messaged saying she’d had no choice, felt trapped, wanted to see me right now and that she’s sorry/explained everything. On the Sunday and Monday we had big work commitments so I rang her that night and said if her Mum didn’t want us seeing each over we had to respect that I understood and wouldn’t stop how I love her and I explained how I’d wait for her, however long she needed etc. I also said I’d be professional with work and that we’d have a good few days.On the Sunday I got a message from her to say she was going to tell her Mum it was over on the way. When she arrived at the office she couldn’t even look me in the face or talk to me. I questioned what was wrong and asked if she wanted a hug etc, but she didn’t. In the afternoon I had to take time out as I couldn’t cope with the emotional intensity and no clear explanation of her behavior. Our managers had arranged a meeting with her Mum to discuss ‘us’ and my gf’s commitment to our project. In the evening they made us meet with themselves, us and her Mum. We both couldn’t speak and they were keen for us to in preparation for the next day. We went outside and my gf lost it with me, asking why I had to make a scene taking time out, to which I asked why she couldn’t look at me…it all just exploded. We went back inside and in the end I plucked up the courage to question her Mum constructively/politely and make it clear my feelings for my gf (once again) and how we have behaved/not done anything wrong, although I sadly got very emotional. Her Mum made it clear that she doesn’t want her involved with any guy this year as she studies and made it clear what her boundaries/rules are, to which I respected. My gf couldn’t cope with us talking and walked out.That night I messaged to say sorry I got so emotional. She rang me from her hotel and made out everything was ok/we talked about random things not to do with what had happened, we had a good day on the Monday and she even invited me back to her hotel for a drink at the end of the day.On Tuesday she called me and was really angry about my actions on Sunday evening, she expressed how it hadn’t helped, that it was the wrong thing to do and how my note I gave her on Monday (for 7 months), meant nothing and how I say I love her/support her means nothing right now. I apologized for some of my actions but equally questioned how she couldn’t see that I said what I said because I care about her and asked if I wasn’t allowed to get emotional and made it clear that I felt I’d been treated like ‘rubbish’. The phone cut due to signal so I messaged her saying how crazy I am over her, how all this isn’t he fault, I’d do anything to be where we were, she means everything to me and that nothing’s changed for me and we can fix it. Six hours later I’d had no response so I rang her to make peace to which she made clear she couldn’t go back to where we are right now as that’s not what she needs now and that she said she needs space/time and that maybe more than a few weeks. I then said for me its not over, how I won’t be moving on and asked if she’d be seeing anyone else to which she replied she ‘couldn’t believe I was asking that’. She said how she could have been a b****h and ignored me, so I reminded her that she’s messaged/called me and I’m happy she has, but I’ll give her space. I expressed how it felt so confusing, I couldn’t understand how she’d become so cold and wouldn’t even put ‘x’ on messages anymore. I said that I wouldn’t call/text her, that I care about her and it’s up to her if she wants me.She later text me saying that she didn’t want to be angry with me, wanted to be like where we were, to have a laugh and fun as friends and that she felt cooling things off was the best thing and perhaps we could start over. She then said good night with xx.I didn’t reply and haven’t messaged her since Tuesday. I feel really bad as never not talked this long. I’m so confused, I guess giving her space is best call? But then she clearly needs space to think only because of what her Mum’s said to her. I’m being accused of being someone/something I’m not.What do you make to this recount of occurrences? What’s the best thing I can do?I don’t want to lose her, we really are great together and I’ve told her not to leave her family, nor have I said anything bad about them.I regret how ‘tense’ are call was on Tuesday. Everyone keeps telling me she’ll come back, but I can’t but feel the longer we don’t talk the less she will? I care about her so much, I encourage her to be independent and she doesn't need me nor has she ever used me - our love is genuine. She’s my first love, so I have no experience. I’d appreciate any guidance you may be able to offer.Thank so much!
View related questions:
escort, long distance, needs space, text, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 OK, That was long and complicated; my response is short and simple. RUN!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Honestly the best thing for you to do in this situation is to give her time alone with no contact. I no you are scared about it and you fear she will move on, but I don't think that is the case. I believe she loves you as well and doesn't want to lose you, but it seems like her mother controls her and makes her decisions for her. I believe your girlfriend is an adult now so she should be making up her own mind about who she wants to see. Her mother is to controlling and over protective. She needs to let go of the apron strings a little bit. But I guess you cannot say any off that because you will look like the bad guy in the end up.
Cut all contact, do not contact her unless she contacts you and if she does it is OK to tell her how you feel and how much you want to be with her. But I guess if she wants to respect her mother well I guess you need to accept that. She has had a very stressful time at the moment so just give her a change to breathe but also a chance to miss you. Just give it 2 to 3 weeks and see what happens then. Good luck.
...............................
|
