A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How to deal with this pending meet of his?Ill try to keep this as short as possible. My bf is going to see his ex this weekend to help her out and I dont know how to handle my feelings about it. She is a much older woman and nearly 30 yrs his senior- he is 29 and she 58. They were in a LDR for nearly 8 yrs however she is disabled due to serious medical infection she got in a hospital stay having a hip replacement, has no family and not many friends and he feels obligated to make sure she is OK ( she needs the grass mowing as the person who lives above her is threatening to complain to the council. Here in the UK there is govement assisted housing provided by the council and she lives in a ground floor flat) Now I do trust my boyfriend and understand why he feels this obligation we have talked many times about it, how he regrets the relationship went on so long ( it was just conveniant for him) and how he dosent want her to suffer in any way, she is not very independant at all. How she had asked him not to tell her if he met anyone else ( I understand this- she must be gutted as she niavely thought what they had was something that could last) But- now this is a big but- about 3 months ago i found texts on his phone between them ( just random things nothing to worry about) but signed off with- love you and 1 solitarty sex text and a reply from him. This sparked off a huge row between us. He explained that he felt pressured to keep her happy and not rock the boat as she is so fragile, he showed me all of his texts and this was the only sext between them. Most were excuses why he couldnt see her. He was so upset about his mistake and was scared I would never trust him ever again. All of this I believe totally ( however it took some time) He has managed to put off seeing her for 4 months now but she is now really asking for his help with the grass. I do trust him and he trusts me as I still live with my ex husband due to financial reasons. I really want to say that I have a problem with him seeing her, but how can i say this when I still live in the marital home and see my husband every day. This must take a huge amount of trust from him for me. He knows I dont like it and he is not that keen on going either but feels he has to. So how do I handle these feelings without pushing him away and saying I dont trust him. I do- but.... argghhh its all so hard ......
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): It's a complicated situation because neither of you have completely separated from your x and you're still living with yours. I'm not sure why you're still living with your x husband but I would agree with the person who said your bf is probably not committed to you any more than to his xgf. What he is doing is cruel if he doesn't want a relationship with her, he should make that clear and then just be a friend so that she can move on to someone else. I kind of question that she can't find help to cut the grassif she is disabled, there must be agencies that will help with that. He must want to help her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I could move out I would and I am in the process of arranging this. I have no intention of holding this over him. But he has a choice to to see her and I am trapped at the moment with no where to go. This is not my choice. I am medley asking for help on how to handle my emotions myself. I know I can't talk to him about it as I have no right. It doesn't stop it from being difficult to deal with.
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A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Um...let's see, you are living with your ex, yet you have a relationship with someone else? You are wrong, and have no rights over him. He is with you because you are truly not available to him 24/7. YOU will be the one to hurt in the end. He doesn't really want either of you, you both are just allowing this to happen. If you are serious about a relation, cut the ties with your ex first. i.e. clean up your OWN yard before worrying about someone else. Oh! and don't be fooled that SHE was the stupid/naive one. YOU are also in the same boat.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 October 2011):
 You live with your ex-husband, and you're questioning his actions?? Sorry, but you're in no position to do so. You're using your ex...what is he getting from the arrangement?
Normally, I'd say that this other woman is no longer your boyfriend's concern...but...you're still living with your ex-husband! That's messed up and a major stretch of trust as it is.
If your boyfriend is willing to actually put up with the arrangement of you and your ex-husband, you should extend the same courtesy and not question his interaction with his own ex. After all, which is the more questionable activity, visiting an ex who is now seriously infirm, or you sleeping less than 100 meters from the bed of your ex?
I know you're reacting to the emotions in the text, but you have no moral leg to stand on, in my opinion. If you want to insist on exclusivity and no contact with an ex, you must likewise reciprocate, move out of your ex-husband's house, and end all contact with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): your bf is handling this wrong, I understand that he feels guilty because she's disabled and alone. But that doesn't mean he owes her a romantic relationship and thus his texts was inappropriate. He's leading her on and setting her up for another heartbreak further down the road which is cruel to her. He should 'man up' and have the difficult talk with her that he's not interested in her anymore. he could also, instead of mowing her grass, pay someone to do it for her. or he could just say "sorry, I can't do that."
but at the same time, since you're still living with your ex-husband you really don't have a leg to stand on when trying to stop your bf seeing his ex.
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