A
female
age
30-35,
*aieve1
writes:Hi everyone, I find myself stuck in a rut with a lot of history...so here goes the story:I've been with this guy for over 2 years (we're both 20), but we still don't have that "boyfriend/girlfriend" label. We weren't too sure if we wanted that kind of relationship, because we started out as best friends. So, overtime we kept avoiding the label but our feelings continued to grow, which we've responded to. I've always wanted it, but he doesn't because he claims that he won't be able to be 100% giving his all because he feels that he needs to do school and all of that first...but throughout time this relationship manifested itself into something so much more complicated. I don't know what to call this relationship, but it basically IS everything just without the label. We exchange "I love you's" and all of that deep emotional feelings, yet still no label. I'm the type of girl that doesn't need a label to miraculously turn me into a faithful person. On the other hand, he seems like that kind of guy because there have been many occasions where his loyalty could be a lot better. Overall, we don't want any other people involved...however there are times when the circumstances can be quite unfair. We've hit a very rough patch at the end of last year, and that was AFTER he cheated on me over the summer. When he cheated on me, it was very hard to get back on track but I forgave him. The fights involved him talking to his "friend" at 3 am multiple times after I expressed my dislike for it, sneaking around to meet her (I asked him if he wanted to study, and he told me he was going home but it turns out he went to study with her), and I even found a key chain in his car a different time with the letter of her first name! So many other things...But recently the past two months have been great, no fighting and I thought everything was perfect. So I decided to test the waters a bit, and I logged onto his facebook. To my surprise I saw him chatting with the girl he cheated on me with over summer. I thought everything was well but when she asked him if we were close friends or bf/gf he says that he doesn't know if he wants to be close friends with me or knows if he can be with someone too! and that damn smiley face he put along with everything else broke my heart into pieces again. and their chat ended with him suggesting she call which did happen. I know it's wrong to snoop, but I didn't want myself to be living in denial...just because I don't see something wrong up front, doesn't mean that the relationship is going great. I have been nothing but faithful to this guy yet he does all of this to me...people ask why are you still with him? and it's the same answer as a year, month, or week ago: I'll give him a chance to change. and I guess the chat conversation itself isn't serious in some eyes, but it took such a big hit to me especially after everything I went through. Come on, I can truly say I gave this guy the best of me before and after he cheated on me, and I feel that I'm always saying "We'll see what happens in a month" which added up to a year. I feel like I'm way in too deep, and I just don't know what I should do. I actually took an MBTI (personality test) in school, and it said one of my weakness is being too devoted that I may stay in a bad relationship--and I just realized how much of it is true. This relationship is really messy, but I just keep thinking that I can get through it...Someone give me a dose of reality
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Ask him to come out because you have something important to discuss with him.
Tell him directly that you are looking for a committed relationship with him.You relationship needs to have a status.Get a commitment from him.
If he cannot give you one, then you should tell him that it is all over. You don't want to be his sidekick forever.
A
female
reader, naieve1 +, writes (19 April 2010):
naieve1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay, I know that I want to be in a committed relationship, but I just don't know how to confront him about it. Any suggestions on how I approach this & how to FINALLY get that label? Thanks everyone
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 April 2010):
 What relationship? You don't have one. What you have is a dude who's fine with being around you and taking what you have to give.
In order to get what we want in life, we have to at least ask for it. That means if you want a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, you have to open your mouth and ask for one, not just hope one springs up magically.
Now get out and find a man who is interested in a relationship, be open and honest about what you want and need, and enjoy what comes from that. But don't hang around a guy who isn't going to make you a priority. Life is too short to be a fill-in.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 April 2010):
You need to know what you want in life and where you want to go. If he cannot agree with you , you will have to leave him behind.Be more assertive.
From now on , it is on your terms. Take it or leave it
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A
female
reader, naieve1 +, writes (6 April 2010):
naieve1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm beginning to realize all of this now, but what do you suggest I do? How can I get back in control with this, or should I just put everything to a complete halt?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Same old story. You're getting played.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 April 2010):
You are neither here nor there. You need to either carve out your own path or remain a martyr or a doormat to him.
You should get back into the control seat, harden your heart and walk away from all those unpleasant experiences.
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