A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My relationship has changed since I've been pregnant, and not for the better. My husband and I used to be very active together, but since I've become pregnant, I've had to change my fitness routines, so we don't share that bond anymore. On the weekends, he continues to do these activities with our friends, and I'm left at home. All of my friends also shared these common activities, but since I can't do them anymore, I don't see them often. I don't know what to do with myself on the weekends; I hate being home or watching tv. (It also doesn't help that I work for myself at home.) I'm not your typical chick that's into shopping and spa time and girly stuff like that. The few other friends I do have outside of my former activity friends are single and still drink and party, which I can't do anymore either. I'm in a rut. My sex life has changed too. My husband doesn't have sex with me often, and when we do, it's usually early morning quickies. I don't even have a chance to orgasm. I've expressed to him that a healthy sex life is important to me, and that I'd like to incorporate more quality time together, even if it's not so frequent. He doesn't say no to that when we talk, but then it never happens. Besides my ever-growing belly and voluptuous breasts, my petite, fit body hasn't really changed since pregnancy. I occasionally dress up in fitted maternity dresses and sexy lingerie, but my husband doesn't respond to it. When I ask him why we aren't as intimate as before, he says that he still thinks I sexy as ever and that he feels connected to me, but how we interact is changing, and leaves it at that. I know the hormones don't help in this whole situation, but I feel so left out and alone. I feel disconnected with my husband; we don't share anything together anymore. My friends are living their lives without me; I feel left behind and alone. I don't have any close family here either to share time with. I've been communicating all of these feelings to my husband, but it doesn't change anything. He just says he feels bad and doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I thought pregnancy would bring such joy and connectedness in my life, and I've never felt so alone as I do now. I don't know how to handle this transition. I don't know what to do on the weekends as a hobby. I don't know how to find new friends. I don't know what to do to bring my husband and I closer together. I'm really upset about all of this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): I think your husband is mourning the loss of his companion. Your relationship was based on the two of you sharing outdoor adventures together. That was your joint passion and life force. That will not happen anymore because of the baby and lack of funds for child care. So the relationship has fundamentally changed. Some men adapt and learn to be happy never doing the things they used to love again. Others don't. I think your husband has not adapted and is mourning the loss of the life he cherished and the partner he used to have in you. But since he chose to become a parent I would hope that he was emotionally ready to make this life change otherwise why would he agree to have kids now? I don't have any advice, sorry, I just hope that he can find new joy in the new and very different life you have now and will for the foreseeable future. For what its worth, I have friends who are married and do a lot of outdoor adventures (mountaineering, adventure racing etc) . They are planning to NOT have children as they know that this will mean the end of their life as they know it. And for them they do not see having kids as being worth the sacrifice. I am not saying you made a bad decision, everyone 's decision is a personal choice and only you know what you want and need from your life. I am just saying I think I can understand the magnitude of the problem and sympathize. Maybe seeing a counselor might help? You are not going to get your old life back so the only way forward is acceptance of your new life and maybe finding new ways to relate to each other.
A
female
reader, sweetpea84 +, writes (24 February 2013):
It really stinks being pregnant sometimes. I'm going thru the same issues. Its not easy. I feel alone, not needed and disconnected from my bf. I've tried to sit and explain to him how I'm feeling without sounding needy, emotional or upset. But it did nothing. I spend Saturday afternoons an d evenings alone at home while he goes out to the pub with his friends... Wednesday nights and Thursday night he is on a "dart league" and we never spend time together. I have to ask him to kiss me or initiate any sort of physical interaction. I believe some men go through a serious man child phase. It doesn't matter how long u date, how long ur married, or how well you deep down think you know someone. Everyone is unfortunately capable of acting stupid.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Sadly, it sounds like your husband is missing the point of your vacation together.
You really need to sit down and talk to your man about how you feel neglected and left out of the picture. Explain to him that you want him to have fun, but you feel that you aren't a team anymore and like you did with us, tell him why. You feel left out of the vacation process and your bedroom life has been less than fulfilling. If your marriage is to be a happy one, he needs to meet you half way.
For reading, I would recommend you both read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
If your husband doesn't respond, then I think it sort of indicates you married a selfish man. This may be the "real" him -- or he could be clueless as to how you feel.
If your heart-to-heart doesn't work, I do suggest counseling so that you'll be prepared to raise a family as a team and you won't feel cheated or pulled apart by your man. Things are going to be changing in relationship quicker than you can imagine, so it is best your get your team in order before your addition arrives.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eddie, thanks again for the response. The problem with hiking at the moment is that it's not the best conditions for it where I am, in the northeast. (Not enough snow to snowshoe, too much ice for a regular hike.) My husband is more of a rock climber, though, so that makes things difficult. I suggested to him that I could get a full body harness, and we go to the gym together, but he doesn't want me climbing at all, since my belly is big. I'm sure after the baby is born, we'll figure out some sort of routine, but in the meantime, I'm just looking for some activities for us to enjoy together. It's just upsetting when he goes off on the weekends, and we don't see each other. Then, when he gets home, he's tired and falls asleep. I know we'll be consumed with the baby when it comes, and I was hoping for some quality time together before. I suggested that we go for a vacation together, so he plans a vacation with us and friends for a climbing trip. Of course, I can't climb, so he said I can either stay back in the room or hike while he climbs all days with friends. Again, it's more about him than us. As far as the sex, I brought it up again last night, and he said it's a matter of finding a time with we both want to. (And he only wants to in the mornings..quickies, of course.) He said he's too tired in the evenings and weekends, when I want to. It's just frustrating. He wants to have sex early mornings and finishes before I even have a chance to orgasm. He wasn't this way before we got pregnant. It just seems like everything has to be on his terms, never on mine. I'm so upset all the time, which isn't making anything better. I've communicated everything I feel to him, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 February 2013):
I sense you are panicking a bit and I don't think your husband is responding the way you would want him to do. My suspicions is that since you've both been active and sporty, that he feels you are strong enough to take care of yourself. Sometimes the sport-minded people are like that: fiercely independent and he feels you can tough out anything. Let's face it, if you have the guts to climb, you can certainly handle 9 months of pregnancy (perhaps, at least in his mind's eye).
There's plenty of things you can do together during pregnancy (although check with your doctor first, of course). Easy hikes, cycling, hitting the gym, etc. He's met you half way in being open to activities, why haven't you come up with one? While the activities you can do may not be as rigorous as mountain climbing, they certainly are things you can do together for the time being.
Also don't sweat the future. I live in a mountainous area and have seen people hiking with young infants and children. Granted people aren't doing rock climbing, but they are out there together with their children seeing mountain lakes, streams and waterfalls. With a little creative thought you can work your child into the equation. Also if you really want to do the hard core stuff then you hire baby sitters...
Remember, everything changes once you have a child and it is going to take some courage and bravery to try new things and see what works and what doesn't. Make sure your husband is on board with you guys being a team and don't panic about the future. They say that one foot in the past and one foot in the future means you are urinating all over today... I see you doing that...
The lack of bedroom activities does concern me a bit. Perhaps your husband needs to see you as vulnerable. Sexting probably is going to only do a little for him: let's face it, he's already seen you naked. Sometimes as a relationship ages, the passion dies down. You deserve credit for trying to keep it up but his drive may be waning. That is not necessarily something to panic over but it is something that happens naturally. I would definitely continue doing what you are doing and don't be afraid to initiate intimacy. Many women assume they are being obvious when in fact sometimes men can be clueless. Make it abundantly clear that you want satisfaction and don't be afraid to take matters into your own hands.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): Im with sage on this... why are you excluded? No you can sprint a mile, but you could jog a half mile?? I dont get it...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie, thanks for the response. I've told him I miss doing things together, and he said for me to find something to do together and he would do it, but I don't know what to do. I'm not much of a urban person, and all the activities I used to enjoy (rock climbing/hiking/mountaineering). I can't do anymore. Sure, we can reminisce about our good times together, but when we talk about our life after the baby, it's in a matter of taking turns to enjoy those sports again, not together. (one of us has to watch the baby) The idea of that depresses me...that was a huge connection we shared, and he's saying we're not going to have that anymore. I've asked him about the sex, and he's not worried about hurting the baby by any means. He says he still finds me sexy, but I don't see any evidence of that. I send him hot pics of my tits during the day and sext him...he responds and says that's hot, but then he's never in the mood when he gets home. I dress sexy for him at least 3-4 days a week (and I work from home so I don't have to) and he doesn't even complement me. I've told him that I want to spend more quality sexual time together, but he dodges that subject and just says we're not losing our connection and that he finds me sexy. I'm just so frustrated and lonely. I don't know what to do.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 February 2013):
Pregnancy changes everything. Period. And you think this is bad, wait until junior comes along.
I don't mean to be Debbie Downer but you are both going to have to do a lot of adjustment in your lives now that you have a new addition coming. I am sure on some levels he is panicking too. Presumably his best friend will now be "sick" for the next 9 months.
It sounds like you've done some of the footwork already in telling your husband how you feel and you deserve credit for that. However, have you asked him this directly: "Honey, I feel a little left out these days, what can WE do TOGETHER that will be fun?" Let him answer it and think of things. If there is something you can do together (like ride bicycles, for instance) suggest that. Also spend some time reminiscing together about activities you've done in the past and remind each other how you'll do all those things again.
As far as the sex life goes, my guess is that he is worried about making love to a pregnant woman. He doesn't want to hurt you or the baby. Also, you are no longer just his wife, you are his child's mother and he may be trying to reconcile those with his sex drive. While you've once again done a lot of the footwork (kudos), you once again need to tell him how much you miss his sexual presence and how you need to get off. Guys get turned on by that and if you sense he is rushing things, slow him down. Also schedule sexual intimacy times. Your morning routine sounds rushed and hasty... leave hints that you want to spend some quality time that night by flirting with him during the day.
Hopefully your husband comes around, otherwise this could be a sign that your husband is selfish and not quite the family man you may have made him out to be. Some guys assumes the woman will take care of the children while he can continue to play games. Parenting and pregnancy is a two-person job and he may need to be gently reminded of that fact.
I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still able to do yoga, but everyone in the class isn't much for conversation before or after. I was rock climbing/hiking/mountaineering before I got pregnant, so those activities are out of the picture. I can only do light hikes now, but all of my friends are a bit advanced, and most of them just rock climb, so it's not their cup of tea. After I have the baby, I won't be able to bring the baby along in these activities, so day-care is my only option (and a limited one because of a lack of family support and $$). I used to do all of these activities with my husband, but now I can't. It was a huge bonding experience for us, and now we don't have that. We're also not as intimate now either, so that adds to the disconnect I've been feeling. I work for myself at home on my computer all day, so the last thing I want to do is be on the computer, in front of a screen, or at home in my free time. I get stir crazy and sick of technology. I don't know what other activities I could do. Being active was such an integral part of my life before this, and was the root of my friendships and relationships. Now it's not, and I feel so lonely. I also don't understand why my husband doesn't want to schedule time to make love anymore...or make time for just us anymore. He's focused on scheduling as much activity time for himself since he know it will change when the baby is born. He keeps saying we'll have relationship time when we have the baby, but that's baby time, not our time. I just feel like he's forgotten us. And again, I've expressed this to him, but not much has changed. I don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): OK take a deep breath and calm down. It soudns like these are all TEMPORARY problems brought on by your pregnancy-induced limitations. But the good news is you will not be pregnant forever. Sooner or later you will be back to being able to be more active and go out again (albeit with a baby in tow, or you can and should also arrange for some day care so you can have free time). So, what do I think you should do? Nothing. Just wait this problem out and wait for it to pass, and don't let yourself get into catastrophic thinking, thinking that these are permanent changes as they are not.when I broke my leg I was out of action for months. I was also very active with outdoor sports and suddenly couldn't do anything. it was tough but I occupied myself with other things like reading, computer-based work, etc. I just found new things that were within my new limitations to do and kept myself busy. Now my leg has long since healed and I'm back to how I was.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You've mentioned "fitness routines" and "activities" which are different now from what they were before you were pregnant.... WHAT are those "fitness routines" and "activities".... and WHY have they (had to) changed so dramatically that you have had to be excluded??????
Just curious....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You should join a prenatal yoga class and make some new friends there. When you fulfill your emotional needs somewhere else you won't be so dependent on your husband.
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