A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone can help. I'm a black woman who's been dating a white guy for the past four years. Recently I found myself with his computer. I was surfing the net and ended up peeking at his Facebook messages, which I know I shouldn't have done.I saw an old message between him and a female friend of his from when we first started dating. He referred to me as chocolate - as if it was my name - and discussed our sex life with her.I feel hurt, upset and objectified. I had known him for a while as a friend then - for me race didn't come into it. Am I overreacting?Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): I'm brown and people do sometimes refer to me as that. It's less about racism and more about convenience like me affectionately calling a red haired girl "Red". My white sister in law even jokes and says "what can brown do for you?" in reference to the UPS ad. So as long as the message was positive, it shouldn't matter if he called you chocolate. Heck, even the term he used is positive. He didn't use the N word or anything derogatory. I think you're just more upset about the bedroom secrets being discussed and that is something to make clear with him.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 February 2013):
I would say that being with you and presumably being a good guy overrides reading a PRIVATE message. I stress the private aspect of this because it really does matter. People say things they don't mean when the person they are talking about isn't present. Or, if they do mean them, you might not understand the context.
There are a number of questions from people who snooped on someone and didn't like the way they were referred to.
But, can you honestly say you've never said anything about him to someone else that you wouldn't want him to have heard?
I know I've said things about my wife to my friends that she wouldn't be happy about. But I love her dearly... People deserve privacy for reasons like this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 You are entitled to your feelings. You were alone and thankfully there was no one to overreact to. Maybe at the beginning he didn't know there was more to just sex. After 4 years he is still with you. A sexual object rarely lasts longer than a year. If he is treating you with respect and race is a non issue when it comes to long term partner, then I would advise you to not bring up the issue. I will understand too if that message has completely changed your idea of who he is and you couldn't let go. I imagine myself to be his female friend I would not like it very much if my friend tells me about his sex life. For me, it reeks of self importance and superiority. I would not look at this as good guy talk either. When you treat the relationship seriously you would want to keep your details private. If this is the only time he talked about your sex life to other people I would drop the issue.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Seriously, you shouldn't have been snooping through his Facebook messages, because now you can't un-see what you saw there.
He called you "Chocolate"? I don't think that was meant to slur you or be disrespectful to your race, however, it was very disrespectful to you as his girlfriend to be exposing your very private sex life to another woman like that. If I had seen that, I would be absolutely livid that he was discussing any detail of our very private life in print like that. I'd feel violated and exposed, to be honest, like if he were to take a nude picture of me and show it to his buddies without my permission.
I'm curious, what on earth were you looking for if you had to go back through 4 years worth of messages to find this? You didn't "happen" upon it, nor were you simply just browsing and skimming. I've only been on DearCupid for less than 3 years and have a few thousand posts on here. You were digging for something, which makes me wonder if there are other problems happening in your relationship besides this. Also, it takes a lot of time to go through Facebook messages to begin with.
Is this female friend someone you have had concerns about?? Are you suspecting him of something?
What you found was 4 years old...how are you going to tell him that you went digging through his Facebook that intently, and what are you going to say when he asks you why??
Somehow, I think there will most likely be a more serious talk about the direction of your relationship in your near future. You'll have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to still be with him, because I think you're giving serious thought to ending it, and not just because he referred to you as Chocolate and blabbed about your sex life...which would piss me off to no end anyways!
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A
female
reader, Paula4u +, writes (4 February 2013):
 No I dont think you are over reacting, it seems a bit disrespectful.. So here is a huge hug for you, why did you look at the data? What were you looking for? If you are uncertain, ask him what is going on but he wont like that you looked at his stuff.. they never do. Sometimes its better to stay quiet and watch and then move on if you have to. Quiet leaving is always less hassle..dont confront, you will only get more upset. Good luck
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