A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First off, I want to apologize for writing so much. I'll just start out and say that lately it's been the way he treats me, which he says he is nice to me but he does not show me affection, hug me or want to spend any time with me. He's too busy going to the gym, hanging out with his friend, going to his parent's house and he's back in college again. We got in a big fight just a couple nights ago about the way he used to talk to me, he used to be really sweet and talk to me like a "baby", I guess you could say? That's what he says but I think it's nonsense, he was just really sweet and affectionate then. He's not like this anymore and of course, he blames me. I've tried really hard to please him, by getting him anything he wants to eat or drink (he stays at my house) and basically I'll do anything he asks. He raises his voice quite often to me and puts me down, telling me I do nothing with my life and sit on my ass, he's very rude especially whenever we get into arguments. I cry a lot when he hurts my feelings. I cry in front of him and he mocks me and makes fun of me. I love him so much, we've been together almost 2 years and I don't see myself being without him. I am really hurt deep inside, but I just hide it and act like I'm okay when I talk to him. I talk to my mom about how he treats me and she doesn't think it's right, and I know my dad would probably kick him out if he knew how much he yells and disrespects me. I don't tell him, though. I am not a weak person, I've just invested so much time and strength into him and I feel like I've ruined my life, and all hope that people are truly kind deep down is gone. Basically, I just want to know how I can get him to truly care and be nice and want to spend time with me again? I was thinking if I got involved more in his life that would help, going more places with him, etc. I'm thinking if I change myself that will help, too. I know that I've probably taken for granted things he's done for me in the past, but I swore to him and myself I wouldn't do that anymore. I love him with all my heart and soul and I want to spend my life with him. I will do anything to make him happy. He tells me he doesn't want to live here, or even spend time with me because all I do is complain, but I didn't say a mean word back, I just kept telling him I was sorry, over and over. I have complained in the past, but we all make mistakes. Can I have any advice on how to repair or heal our relationship? I don't know how much more hurt I can take and I don't want to cry anymore. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): be strong. it's ok to cry, don't let his words get to you hun... if trying to please him doesn't change his heart and you start to feel that emptiness inside, stop. don't let him think that he has control over you, you're not a servant... you're a woman who deserves the respect you've willingly given to him. And if he doesn't realize how much love you have for him since you'd sit there even though he hurts your feelings then bring that pride right back up and spend time away from him. it's a waste to you to have to go through a cycle that will not end or likely get worse. even if it nags at you when you are not with him, think about what he's done to you to make you cry in the first place. Have fun for the most part, spend time with friends, do what you used to do when you weren't with this guy and when you get home you'll be too exhausted to deal with his rudeness. keep that chin up :) soon you should start to realize that pleasing this guy isn't your only life goal... and maybe he'll start to notice how much your away and want to be with you more often. sounds familiar? but if it's still the same with him, but you gained more confidence in yourself from taking care of #1 heh then maybe he really isn't the right guy for you and maybe you deserve better, yeah? 2 years may be hard to let go, but a lifetime of hurt isn't the best either... you want to be happy right? that's what everyone wants... then do yourself a favor and put yourself first rather than him. he's not the one crying and needs the attention.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Honestly, It sounds like the true him is coming out. Like someone said before me, the first year of a relationship is just the stage where you get to know someone. I think that his true personality is finally coming out. I am in a relationship with a guy and him and I had to do some major compromising after we had been together about a year. He realized that I am a little more emotional than I should be and now he watches what he says more carefully...i realized that he is a lot more stubborn than he should be and I have to compromise with him on a lot of things. People take some time to get to know one another. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are not happy with the person that he is revealing to you. I agree that maybe you are smothering him but I also think you could try spending more time with your own friends and getting a way a little bit. (my boyfriend and I went through the same stage, we argued constantly until we spent more time together) Learn that there are other means to a relationship than being stuck up your boyfriend's butt. I had to learn this the hard way. on the other hand...it could be that you and him aren't right for each other, after all. My advice to you is that you should try the first option, get out and spend a little more time away from him...establish yourself as a confident, independant woman and i think that things will get better. If, however, that doesn't work...get out because you can't stay in a relationship if you aren't happy and aren't being treated right. Much luck love!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): He used to treat you sweet and nice, now he dosen't. He spends more time away from you and puts you down and makes you cry. He hates your nagging and dosen't want to live with you anymore
Involving yourself in his life won't help. Changing yourself for him won't help. The problem is your too dependent on him and cling to him too tightly. He's feeling clausterphobic, he's feeling trapped and tied down.
If you want to keep, this man, if you want to please him, then you will develop yourself as a strong, independent confident woman. This you cannot do if your worrying and crying and bending yourself out of shape trying to be the woman you thinks he wants.
You want him to truely care, be nice and spend time with you. Then find yourself new friends, hobbies and interests. Find intresting things to do, so you have something to share with him when you both get together. Get off your ass, do something with your life, go to the gymn, go college and get an education, put time into getting a better job. Carry on with your clinging and you will bore this man to death. Give him a reason to feel proud of you, to want to be with you, to imagine a future life with you fulled with challenges, sucesses, fun and laughter and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I believe that the first year you ar ewith someone it is best behavior for both of you. After the first yer we left down our guard and the true person shows through. You are just coming on 2 years I think you may be seeing the real him.
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A
female
reader, Gio  +, writes (22 May 2008):
Hi, Maybe you need to take a look back and compare the way you were before, when he was treating you well, and the way you are now. It is a fact that nobody likes to be near a person who complaints all the time. This raw people apart, no matter how close they had been in the past.There are questions that only you can answer: were you always like this? is he drifting away, looking to spend more time with parents and friends because of your attitude? or did he change without a reason? perhaps he wanted you involved in his activities, visiting his parents, going out with his friends, and you never wanted to join in? As I say, you alone know the truth. Analize the situation with a clear mind, put your feeling aside for a moment, and if he is changing without a reason, then maybe it is time to move forward and give the chance to someone who will treat you as his equal without you having to have to do 'anything' for him. Good luck.
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