A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months and I work to have a relationship based on honesty.. we are both 25 yet we've had very different pasts. He was a virgin when we met, and I've been with several people. He has never tried drugs, while I have experimented in the past. I am not necessarily proud of the sexual choices I made, but I have learned from them and changed my attiude towards sex after meeting my boyfriend. He is the first guy I've been in love with, and vice versa. The problem is he says he keeps thinking about the past choices I've made, worries I'll want to do those things again and resent him, and that my choices represent my philosophy on life, one that is very different from his. He spoke up about this so that we could try to figure this out, otherwise it will continue to be a problem. He doesn't know if he CAN get over it, and I don't know if I want a relationship I don't feel accepted in. This is my first great relationship.. everything else is AMAZING (our conversations, our time together, the chemistry). I'm feeling powerless. after several long talks I don't know what I could say or do to make this better. Advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2010): Different sexual histories is usually bad for compatibility.
His feelings come with the territory. People generally don't reach his age as a virgin without having some pretty strong feelings about sexual choices.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Sounds exactly like my relationship only the roles reversed. My boyfriend was the 'bad boy'...drugs, women, partying. He is now 31 and past that stage but it still bothers me. Its an insecurity issue. I can't say what will make your boyfriend feel better but I know I would feel a LOT better if my boyfriend gave me reassurance and expressed a lot of regret for his past choices. The thing is he doesn't. He says that it was a life experience and it brought him to where he is today (in fact just yesterday he said that he regrets telling me about his past cause it causes such an issue with us). He says that he may not have made the best decisions but he doesn't regret them. And that is totally fair....the past is the past and it can't be changed. I have made past choices that sucked bad and I would hate for someone to hold that against me now since I am not the same person I was then. I am sure you have tried reasoning with him...but have you asked him if he has made a bad decision in the past, and if he did how would he feel if you judged him on it? Maybe that would help to put things into perspective.I'm not really sure what else to recommend....its a tough situation and it sounds like he is hurting about it...just give him lots of love and reassurance (which I am sure you are already doing), and hopefully he can sort out his security issues.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I was going through this from your guy's point of view. It does take a while to get over. But through just loving each other and keep being honest, time will help ease his worry. For you, keep in mind that honesty requires tact. Don't be blunt or abrasive. You can help by reiterating that you have changed, and if he asks explicit questions, answer them as gently as possible.
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