A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a conversation with my girlfriend today about how I was upset about other people getting unfairly hurt due to no fault of their own, people being homeless and such and she told me that people who care about others are stupid and that people should only care about "their own little bubble."I have very strong moral values. I think that the entire reason there's so much wrong with this world is because people can't empathize with others; it really disturbs me when she talks about how she doesn't care about 6 million people dying in the Holocaust.I know she isn't a psychopath because she really does care about me and she takes care of me. She seems genuinely sad when I'm hurt or sad myself. I think the reason she's like this is because she has had a horrible life with people hurting her left and right. Her entire family hates her and treats her like garbage for no reason at all, and she's been bullied all her life.What should I do? I really love her but it upsets me to think that her moral values aren't compatible with mine.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): I usually agree with Cerberus, but here we must split hairs. He is confusing empathy with sympathy. Sympathy may be for dickheads (if you prefer to be cold), but empathy is what drives our moral compass. Empathy is the ability to feel another's pain or suffering and recognize it as legitimate. Cerberus, you're just wrong.Part of dating and growing up is finding people with whom we are compatible, and who help bring out the best in us. You're young, and it's a long life. Choose wisely, but stay empathetic.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): Sometimes people try to take a back seat from all the horrible things that go on in the world because it's just too much for them to deal with. It can also seem that people never learn from history and keep repeating the horrible atrocities of the past over and over again, which for some can be hard to watch. Maybe she feels that worrying about people she knows is all she can cope with so she tries to stay in her 'bubble' as she puts it. It doesn't make her a bad person or that she doesn't care that these things are happening, it just means she doesn't want to seek out more sadness and depression to add on to what has already (by the sound of it) been quite a sad life. I remember reading something somewhere saying studies had linked the current abundance of bad news we are subjected to to low levels of depression in people (not clinical depression but depressed thoughts/feeling sad). I can understand that as sometimes it feels like a lost cause out there.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Part of dating is finding a person who is compatible with you.
If your moral compass does not match hers then your compatibility is lower.
If for example later in life you marry her and want to tithe 10% of your income to charity and she does not, how will you manage to compromise?
Consider that this may or may not be a warning flag that the relationship cannot go the distance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): This is what we humans do to each other, we kill our own and make more space on Earth so we will have enough to eat and drink, and then we keep having more babies that again will be killed because there is not enough space for all of us.
They say compassion that what differs us from animals. I don't know about it. My dog was sleeping with me after my surgery until I got better, and then he went to sleep in his bed.
We are not always able to help, but we feel sad and terrified for victims of all holocausts. They did happen and they are happening, and it's a horrible world we live in, but we still feel compassion, at least most of us, otherwise we all will be dead by now.
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A
female
reader, jenjole +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Living with pain from family members could numb her from feeling pain for others, she's dealing with so much of her own pain she could be overwhelmed and unable to take on the pain of people who she doesn't even know or care about. What is troubling about her lack of empathy is has the bad treatment and bullying she has endured in her life rendered her incapable of caring for others as "Who cared about my pain"! Depending on the extent of abuse (that is what it is)she may want to get some counseling and /or leave her abusers behind to put an end to the damage and pain suffered. Realistically, you can't expect everyone to feel as deeply or morally responsible as you are, really it is a small incompatibility and probably wouldn't be anything resulting in conflict on a regular basis, if at all. In relationships it is most important to accept people for who they are and don't expect them to have your ideals, don't try to change them. Best to you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Empathy is for dickheads to think they're good people without doing anything about it. Empathy and feeling sorry for people you've never met is just moral masturbation that is completely useless. Empathy is for people who think 'liking' and sharing a picture on Facebook is going to feed starving children in Africa.
I don't have empathy for homeless people, although if I lived in America I might. Here being homeless is a choice. The government will provide free money, free housing, free food and everything anyone in this country needs and will leave no one behind. Being homeless here is a choice.
As for the 6 million Jews killed in the Holocaust I don't give a damn either because they're the glamour victims of the second world war and why should we remember them and ignore the 100,000's of Japanese, French, Dutch, German women raped by American soldiers, the 20 million Russians who died, the millions of Germans, Poles, Italians, Irish, Danish, Scottish, English. Why feel empathy for the "popular" superstar victims of that war? You see the holocaust is a sham, it's the name Jews gave what happened their people and they have every right to mourn their dead but it is used as a smoke screen to cover the fact they're doing the very same things to the Palestinians at this very moment. Yet we should always be reminded of the holocaust when we criticise them for what they do today.
OP I'm a history teacher, a lot worse things have happened to people since the holocaust. You may aswell forget it ever happened because zero lessons have been learned. America invaded Iraq for oil, killing 100,000's of Iraqis, why is that not called a holocaust? It's estimated that 1/4 of all the worlds Jews were killed in the holocaust well in East Timor 1/3 of their entire ethnicity were wiped out by the Indonesians with American money and weapons. Lets take a moment to empathize with all the American natives you wiped out to create your country too. Rwanda, Burma, Syria, Lebanon, Vietnam, Korea, Almost all of Latin America, the war on drugs, the war on terror, Libya, the Congo, South Africa, the bush wars, the Troubles, insurgency in Nepal, Tibet, Afghanistan, Darfur, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Chechnya the list goes on are you going to feel empathy for all those too? Going to shed a tear and feel emotional about those events too? Well we'll be here all day then OP.
I only have empathy for people I am directly involved with and I don't just do empathy OP, I directly help them. My friends and my family are the only people I care about in that sense. Does that make me cold hearted? No, I save my empathy for those who matter to me and I give practical help to people not just empathy to make me feel like I'm a good person because I can get emotional about the sadness of others. I can't help any people who have died in the past so I don't dwell on their suffering. I can help people in the now and I do. I have volunteered my time and my money to lots of charities, because I know that doing good is all that matters, feeling sorry for someone doesn't make you a good person, taking care of people, protecting them and helping them makes you a good person.
Getting emotional and feeling sorry for people does nothing. Unless you actively help people, and Chigirl's link is a great start, then you may aswell just shut up about it OP as you merely represent part of the problem and aren't actively involved in finding a solution.
Is there something wrong with your girlfriend that she doesn't weep for people she doesn't care about? No, maybe she's like me and has no choice but to save it for the people she cares about because she cares too much and taking on the problems of others she doesn't even know would be too much for her and she'd just be depressed the whole time by everything she reads and hears about because the world is quite a fucked up place.
Just because you get weepy watching Schindlers List that doesn't make you better than her. Just means you like to think you're a good person who cares. Well if you really care do something positive and constructive in lives of these homeless people you worry so much about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): I think you have answered it yourself. If she has been treated like that then what do you expect.. No one cared about her so why should she care about anyone else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 I just want to point out one thing though. Original poster, you strike me as a bit of an idealist, rather than a genuinely concerned and aware citizen. You see "horror" as Holocaust. Is that the worst you can think of? Few people died in Holocaust compared to several other historical incidents. Do you know, for example, how many people Stalin killed? Do you know how many people are killed in the USA every day? Just to shift your focus from the idealized "horror" of 70 years ago, and to more recent events.
If you are concerned about society, you need to show empathy for ongoing situations, rather than grieve the past horrors of the world. Grieving over the past idealizes it, and it serves no purpose. You can not help the ones who were killed in Holocaust. However, you can help the ones who are going to be killed tomorrow. For example, your own state "legally" kills people, through death penalty. Focus on the problems of the world TODAY, not the problems of the past.
If you want to get involved, join Amnesty International:
http://www.amnestyusa.org/our-work/campaigns/abolish-the-death-penalty
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Growing up in a home where you aren't taught to sympathize and no one shows any sympathy or empathy towards you as a child, it's understandable that she lacks the ability to be empathic/sympathetic with other people. She wasn't taught to care about anyone but herself.
Has she taken any counseling? There are really scary cases of abused children who later try to literally kill their foster families and such because they were so abused. Obviously your girlfriend isn't that bad, but it's not her fault. She doesn't know any better.
Sympathy needs to be taught/learned.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Hi
Its a hard one,I think its human nature to care. It doesn't mean you walk round with the weight of the world on your shoulders but to empathise is good. If you raise money doing a walk or run, donate to a charity of choice, its natural, most people contribute in some way,even volunteering.
Its usually those who have had a bad start in life that empathise most,especially if they have turned their own life round.
Her attitude is selfish in a way and clashes with yours. So if there are other things worrying you about her then maybe its time to re-consider her as a partner
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 June 2013):
Hi
Its a hard one,I think its human nature to care. It doesn't mean you walk round with the weight of the world on your shoulders but to empathise is good. If you raise money doing a walk or run, donate to a charity of choice, its natural, most people contribute in some way,even volunteering.
Its usually those who have had a bad start in life that empathise most,especially if they have turned their own life round.
Her attitude is selfish in a way and clashes with yours. So if there are other things worrying you about her then maybe its time to re-consider her as a partner
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 June 2013):
Hi
Its a hard one,I think its human nature to care. It doesn't mean you walk round with the weight of the world on your shoulders but to empathise is good. If you raise money doing a walk or run, donate to a charity of choice, its natural, most people contribute in some way,even volunteering.
Its usually those who have had a bad start in life that empathise most,especially if they have turned their own life round.
Her attitude is selfish in a way and clashes with yours. So if there are other things worrying you about her then maybe its time to re-consider her as a partner
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 June 2013):
The first post must be your girlfriend's...
Just because something happened in the past doesn't mean that it's not relevant. The op isn't sitting around moping about it, but he empathizes with those who suffer. And lack of empathy also causes his girlfriend and 'female anonymous' to act as if homelessness is a choice for most people. Mental illness of some degree is more often to blame; if more people cared there'd be a better safety net for the mentally ill.
I completely agree with the op. At your age I don't think it'd be a deal breaker for me unless she was expecting marriage or I was looking for it myself.
This is one of those fundamental differences between people that are hard to explain. Some people feel as if the only important people are the ones they know... in some ways that may be right, but the world could be a paradise if more people were like the op.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 June 2013):
It could very well be that her values are compatible with yours. But if shes already spending all her energy on defending herself, how can she spend more energy on caring for others? She already cares for you, so you know she has compassion. Her statement was rather brutal, but given her life experience it makes sense. If she is not ffully healed yet from the bullying, and if she is constantly facing her family in battle.. Then she is not ready to take on the problems of the rest of the world. But you know her best, you know if shes just a selfish person or not.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (3 June 2013):
 If your moral values don't match up, then I don't think that you should continue the relationship. To me what your question ultimately reveals is that the level on which you two connect is more superficial than you may like to believe.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (3 June 2013):
 If she lacks compassion for human suffering, she will not make a compatible partner for you in the long-term. Similar views about society and similar moral viewpoints is absolutely CRITICAL for the long-term health of a relationship.
Seriously consider whether or not you can deal with her opinions in the long run and then make choices based on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Most people aren't homeless through no fault of their own.
The holocaust was horrible, but it happened close to 70 years ago.
All you and she can do is live your lives to the fullest. If she needs to not worry about the homeless to have a full life, then how is that immoral?
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